Together Separate II

[mizjjd]

Thank you Snodderly. You know, you are a godsend. Bless you.

H got home while I was taking S19 to work - and called my cell, "Where are you?"

I hope he thought I'd left! (Yep, I've got a mean streak.)

He was all happy and chatty about his casino trip - still behaving unusually it would seem.

Gosh, it is hard to say and believe, but you know if I had somewhere to go, I might. H said in his ramble the other night the the most important thing to him is the well being of the twins (16) and not disrupting them. (I guess the other two S19 and D18 don't figure as heavily to him) IDK if I too stay for them (although, by them I mean all 4)or if I stay for what I loosely term a marriage.

I think you and I communicated before about whether this is a 2nd MLC or a continuation of an earlier one. The "first" one happened 14 years ago when his sister was diagnosed with cancer. Now his parents are having more and more health problems, H is 54, the last of our children are getting ready to fly the nest...

But between the affairs/crisis you know it hasn't been a great marriage. This is something even H admits to. So I don't know what I'm doing, or why. I think I have thought for some time now that once all the kids are grown it would get better between H and me. But maybe that was wishful thinking.

And there's a coldness, a hardness in me that didn't used to be there. And I don't know what that's all about, and I'm not proud of it. Because I do know H is hurting. I do know he's been on the receiving end of more than his fair share of disappointment, abandonment and general poor treatment. But none of it from me. Even the things he dredges up to confront me with HE admits where unintentional on my part. So the fact that he is currently hanging all his unhappiness on the one person who has been loyal and supportive to him just makes me ANGRY instead of empathetic.

And I don't know what to do about the "Bubba" thing. I have had enough of infidelity. Its a "Deal Breaker". If I knew for certain that was the case here I would ask H to leave.

But I know I'm not supposed to push for info according to DB. And #$%^ if it isn't almost Christmas.... so maybe I'd best table Bubba until the new year?

Uh oh, eyes are leaking AGAIN.

But then too, H may resolve this sooner or later. If he doesn't have a job by the time football season is over I don't think he'll feel it necessary to be home as often. It is his dream to be a professional gambler. (This is not new - been a hobby for years and years. Fortunately, he has historically been a good money manager re: gambling so that aspect of it is not yet a concern.) So I can see him getting to a point where he lives at a casino and "visits" home.

[job]

I've been thinking about your h and it could very well be that he was snatched back to reality 14 years ago and this one is actually the "continuation" of that one. He's got to finish this one up and he's going to be a lost soul for a very long time.

I think what you are feeling, i.e., coldness, hardness, etc., is the fact that this is a "repeat" of some of the behaviors and let's face it, you are tired of the same old rinse and repeat behavior. You are tired of being the strong and rational adult in your family. It's understandable. You've detached quite a bit and you aren't reacting to his behavior as much.

As for Bubba, let that one rest for a bit. The holidays are coming and you don't want to put an additional "damper" on them. I do think that the answers will come, but hopefully in January and not now.

Is he good as a gambler? The dream may come to an end of there is no money for him to gamble with. I hope he doesn't get in the habit of borrowing and then can't repay the loans. I guess I watch too many police shows...

I do hope that you have a good day. Be kind to yourself.

[mizjjd]

Is he good as a gambler?

He does ok. There was a time period of about 6 weeks where he actually supported us (this was several years ago) by gambling. He still budgets carefully and doesn't like to risk "too much". He seeks out $5 blackjack tables and plays some Texas Holdem tournaments.

He gets really absorbed by the "patterns" of things and spends an inordinate amount of time making spreadsheets and taking notes. Sometimes this part of it takes more of his time than the actual gambling itself.

I'm setting a goal of not bringing up Bubba - trying to push it out of my mind because right now it is consuming me and thats not going to do anybody any good. Having a VERY had time with this.

[mizjjd]

Saw this on FB and feel the truth of it.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

― Frederick Douglass

[mizjjd]

And there's more!

I am being ministered to by FB of all things. Oh well, take the good where you find it I suppose.

Make life good

Your resentment gives more power and influence to whatever you resent. Is that really what you want?

There’s no reason why a negative situation has to make you negative. You always have plenty of other options.

You don’t have to let your attitude be poisoned by other people, situations, or events. You can choose a positive, powerful perspective no matter what.

You don’t have to let your life be thrown into a turmoil by every little thing that happens. Instead, you can decide to be directed by a deep and abiding sense of true purpose.

Remember who you are, and why you are, and what’s important to you. Focus a little more on what matters, and a little less on what just arbitrarily comes your way.

Live on purpose, live with purpose, and with constant, loving attention to that purpose. You can make life good in your own way no matter what.

— Ralph Marston

I'm going to print this out! Awesome awesome awesome!

And now dippy me is a happy (relatively speaking) camper. Lol. How can something so simple make such a difference?

[uRworthy]

M, you know when a child gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar when they were told no cookies til dinner? And then they do everything they can to make it better with you so you wont be mad?

That's an MLCer. Now, I dont know who Bubba is. Could be who he says, could be who you suspect. Clearly he didnt want you to know. And so, he is acting like a child because frankly that's about where his mind is right now.

I know how hard it is to live with someone is crisis. Here's the thing. This is his journey to take. You can't rush him through it, nor can he. He has to navigate his way through it in his own time and in his own way.

But this is also an opportunity for you to figure out who you are and what you want. It is a real gift in a lot of ways. I know it doesnt seem like it at times.

I would put your marriage safely in a box and store in on a shelf for now. In time you will know what you want and what you dont. I dont think that time is now. You are still early into this and still trying to understand it all.

It really is best to remember that your job is to let him walk this. And then begin your own journey.

Who do you want to be? What things did you always want to try?Classes you wanted to take, places you wanted to visit.

I looked to the people I admired and tried to figure out what it is I admired about them. I would visualize the kind of person I wanted to be. And each day I would try to be that person. Some days I make it, some I dont, but each day I try.

We really are in charge of our own happines. Nothing or no one can provide that for us. We get to choose.

I knew that if I let myself get caught up in his crisis it would keep me angry. And that anger would sap my energy and weigh me down. It would stop me from moving forward and would give him all the power.

I also knew that I loved him. Unconditionally. Now that didnt mean he got a free pass from his bad behavior. But it did mean that I loved him enough to let him go.

And when I did, I found me.

You will know when you are ready what you want from your marriage and what you do not. The answers will come to you when they should.

For right now, try to detach as much as you can. Let him blow in the wind.

You are doing wonderfully. keep going.

[Takevowsserious]

Great post, Urworthy.

Thanks again for your guidance and advice. You have helped me more than you know.

I am glad you are here

[mizjjd]

I appreciate your checking in but am rather confused as to your meaning...

It really is best to remember that your job is to let him walk this. And then begin your own journey.

I don't understand, is there something I'm doing to prevent him from this walking?

Who do you want to be? What things did you always want to try?Classes you wanted to take, places you wanted to visit.

Have to say, I truly understand what you're presenting here. I get it. But its irrelevant. There is NO money for anything like that. We are teetering on the brink of financial collapse. As in, choosing between electricity and food. And if I had to do this by myself? I'd be in a shelter within months.

So, NO, this is not a gift in that way.

I also knew that I loved him. Unconditionally.

I do not know this. Not at all.

Now that didn't mean he got a free pass from his bad behavior. But it did mean that I loved him enough to let him go.

He's welcome to go. I think I'd prefer it.

IDK enough about you and your sitch. IDK if you had what so many here say they had... a great marriage that turned bad. I had a fair/poor marriage that has turned awful. Because of this, I am not eager for a return to what was. And I doubt a progression to something new and improved.

I guess you feel that I am trying to rush something? Not sure, you seem to be telling me that I'm "off" on something but IDK what exactly. I have read that if I am still conflicted about whether or not I want to continue with the marriage then its best to wait because my mind is not clear.

We are together an inordinate amount of time due to both being unemployed. Well, I now have the "gift" of a part time fast food job which will get me out of the house a few hours a week. But other than when H goes gambling, we are together. I am doing as much detaching as possible while still keeping the peace. This means I still cook for him, serve him his food, do his laundry. I talk to him as little as possible. This results in an awful lot of resentment within me, I feel I'm enabling/allowing cake-eating and I can't figure out what to do about that. Because if I take a stand, then I'll be back to "rushing" the sitch.

Thanks again for your time with my sitch.

[uRworthy]

Im so sorry but I think you misunderstood my post. I am in no way insinuating that you are rushing him. I was speaking generally that it's best to let them figure this out on their own.

And trust me, I know what it is to be financially devastated. I would go to the library to take a free class on computers. I would go to read books. I would look into trips I might take one day. It doesnt hurt to dream. You never know what the future holds.

I would see what the park system offered or visit a free museum. There are many parks with walking trails. There are church groups who offer trips. I had to get very creative, but, it is doable.

And it doesnt cost anything to try to figure out who you want to be.

And I was also saying that if you are unclear about your marriage then it is best to wait until you are. I am sorry if I was unclear there.

I was just trying to help. I guess I didnt. Take care.

[mizjjd]

I didn't mean to say you weren't helping.

I apologize if that's what you thought.

I simply thought you meant I was doing something to hinder H.

And you're right about there being no cost to dreaming and thinking. I should try to do more of that I suppose, try to look beyond day to day survival.

And I am "waiting" more or less. Just trying to make sure that the wait doesn't destroy more of me.

Setting "boundaries" is not what I am good at. Not been my habit. H is VERY controlling. When I state my case he tells me if I can't continue as he wishes, then I can leave. But there's no place for me to go. And if he leaves, I can't pay the bills. I feel like I am on a leash.

My response to you seems to have upset you. Not what I meant at all. I just can't at the moment see how to do things differently.

I do have the feeling that the sands are shifting - H's casino trips are becoming more frequent, he talks with his parents more often and I know he wants to go there more often.

So "something" is bound to change. And at this point I'd have to say that it will be for the better, because it seems pretty grim as is. Though I suppose it could always get worse and I'd best be careful what I ask for.

Sorry again for venting my frustrations in your direction.