He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

If your H would have said something like "Hon, would you please not mention that in front of the kids. I'm worried about what the kids might think or say to their friends since we haven't discussed it with them" I seriously doubt you would have been like "what's the big deal?" He would have clearly expressed why he didn't want it known to the world and you would understand and likely be considerate of his feelings (whether you agreed with it or not).

EXACTLY!!! I would not have given it a second thought. Rational explanation! Unfortunately, my H rarely speaks to me that way, although, the other day he did, when I was yelling at the kids and he told me (calmly) that it was not helping and it was only making matters worse. I guess this kind of communication takes practice.

One of his lame comments during this argument was "save it for therapy," and I went back to him later and said, "No, we should not save it for therapy. We need to work out the issues as they arise so resentments don't build up." First he just said OK, but I realize he says that sometimes just to shut me up, not because he actually agrees.

I have been thinking all day about what's been transpiring on this thread. I noticed I was feeling pretty resentful as H took his nap then watched TV while all the clean clothes that I was washing piled up on the bed... (they are still there in a pile, it doesn't occur to him to fold them. I guess I should have asked him to do it but I normally do it).

Think about this...hard. You've taken the blame and apologized; he is not ready to forgive you. Now what?

Well, I guess it is just a matter of time at this point. Either he chooses to forgive me or he doesn't. It's almost like a beat the clock game: if I want to win, H has to forgive me before my patience runs out. The thing is, I can't put a time limit on it right now. I might be able to wait 6 more months, or a year, or 5 years... who knows. I do know I don't like how things are right now, and I do know that my patience is going to run out at some point.

I do feel very frustrated and powerless in this situation. At one point, one of my friends told me that H and I were in a power struggle and his "kicking me out" was a shift of power. When I moved back in, he lost some of that power. Now I think he's trying to maintain his power by keeping me on the sofa bed, by keeping his ring off, etc...

I also think it's probably time for a DB coach. This is all getting too nuanced for me to handle on my own.