I continue to feel more of my old self... happy and engaged in the world. Finally! This has been some journey. I still have some sad moments and will continue to grieve I am sure, but the dense fog has lifted for the most part.
I have had some solid weeks of growth I think... I had a wonderful session with my IC. I had mentioned a quote I read about our brains being like velcro to negative thoughts and teflon to positive thoughts. My IC said that she actively talks about positive events in her life as a way to cement them in memory. I like that idea bc I think I do have some gnarly velcro up there for the bad stuff.
She also told me about a time she was working with a famous psychologist who uses hypnosis. He took her sightseeing and even then the messages he gave her were a mild form of hypnosis.. one which I have held onto is when they were looking out over the ocean and he told her that the view was wonderful but that there might also be a more beautiful view around the corner. I remind myself of that often....that there may very well be a more beautiful view around the corner for me.
Since that session... I feel like I have turned a corner... and perhaps that what was led me to realize something about myself this week while listening to my new guru, Tara Brach.
I have been spending some time thinking back through things from my childhood and how they impacted me. I realized that, in our M, my W and I felt safe enough to let our "hurt child" emerge with each other. However, we lacked the awareness of what was happening and ended up not being able to understand what was happening within ourselves or each other leading to fear for both of us and eventually anger and resentment for W.
While it is sad in some ways to feel as if I have put the pieces together so well now... it is also empowering for me to realize that the needy child within me during our M is only a part of me and is not all of me or who i am... and that with this awareness I can work on healing that part of myself.
this journey has been one of self discovery and even though i still miss W, i would not give up what i have gained here for anything.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
