He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Thanks 25 and BD for dropping by. I always appreciate it!

In a nutshell, 25, forgiveness is key. I see that so much around here. It is a critical ingredient for success.

Unfortunately, as some of you may have guessed, my H is a big grudge holder and he is not very good at forgiveness, so I think this is going to be the big struggle for us. And yes, if my H can't manage to forgive, there's going to come a point where I will say, "Enough is enough," and then I will have to move along. I'm not willing to stick this out indefinitely... only until I stop seeing positive changes.

25, you said, "Are you sure he wants a loving R with you?" The answer is no, not at all. At this point he'd say he didn't want that. He did say that he wanted a loving R (in general) and he did say that he does not want to D because of the boys. What's missing is his willingness to TRY WITH ME right now.

I agree that I've said my mea culpa's until I'm blue in the face. I agree that I'm being punished and allowing it. I'm not trying to dispute any of that... just trying to gauge how long to let this go on - will he get it out of his system at some point?

It's true that he may feel that I have an agenda when I show him affection. Lately I haven't really been feeling like it so we haven't been as close. Which is fine. I think I have to go more by my feelings on that one. I am trying not to put expectations around it, but I admit I do feel disappointed because he doesn't usually reciprocate unless he wants to ML, and that is getting old.

To that end - thank you Breakdown for pointing out that I'm really setting a boundary around that. It is about time, I think - but I wasn't really ready to do that before. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to care less about what he thinks or does. I guess that's detachment.

Today we got into it, first time in a while. Stupid thing. H uses hypodermic needles to take B12 shots and also testosterone shots. As one would predict, he is pretty neglectful about getting rid of the needles. The other day I found a whole shoebox full of needles, packed in a box that we moved from our old house to our new house, almost a year ago. I asked him this morning to please get rid of them.

He went to the drugstore to do that, and on his way out, I said, "Do you have your needles?" His reply was (snarky tone), "You really need to watch what you blurt out around the house."

Ok - is it me??? I seriously DO NOT get this.

The boys were playing, not listening at all, and after all, they are only 9 and 6, and furthermore, why would they know to associate any stigma with a needle? Furthermore there SHOULDN'T be any shame here because he uses the needles legitimately.

So I said to him, "Huh?"

He repeated himself. I started to sort of argue the point with him, at which time he said, "This is never going to work," and walked out the door.

Then, breaking all DB rules, I followed him out the door and just engaged. I guess I am seriously tired of having to "accept" all of the above. I think actually I'm pretty angry right under the surface of all this "acceptance." That's an issue. I don't feel heard either and I sense that this is kind of a no-win situation.

I know I SHOULD HAVE said, "Yes, darling, of course, how could I be so insensitive?" But I was so taken aback at the absurdity of the whole thing... and he has this way of attacking that pushes me right into aggressor mode.

Well, the boys were not letting us have the conversation, so when H got back I told him the following:

"Please do not say, 'this will never work, you will never change,' or walk out the door in the middle of a conversation. It really slows down the process here."

He seemed receptive to that, though not really apologetic or remorseful. We'll see how the rest of the day/evening goes. My father is taking the boys to dinner and he asked me, "Why don't you and H go out to dinner?" My reply was, "We'll see you at 5:30, Dad." Dad wants to help but he just does not get it.