I had a major setback this past week. I broke down and phoned my wife, basically threatening divorce and saying that I would not let her take me for all I had. 2 minutes after I hung up I could not believe what I did. I have been kicking myself for that move...stupid destructive behavior.
Since then, I have really opened my eyes and WILL NOT try to to destroy my marriage on my own, ever again. I did talk to her the next day. She initiated the call to tell me that she would never try to take me for all I had. I told her that I was very sorry about lashing out and that I was simply acting out in fear and anger. I told her that I understood why she wanted this separation and that she was right. Things are bad between us.
For the obvious reasons above, my wife is becoming more and more forward with me about her conviction to move on, at least I "think". I am just so confused. She told me, during a meeting with her to discuss our custodial times with our daughter, that having a calender of days would allow me to move on with my life. That hurt. I "think" that means she is not even considering the possibility of giving us a chance anymore, or maybe I am reading too much into that?
I have been working on my 180's and trying to be upbeat when we speak. I am also working on myself, dressing nicer, still losing more weight, hanging out with friends. I have been trying not to pursue her, and I am getting much better, but still make the mistake of reaching out and trying to grasp at reconnecting from time to time.
This weekend in our town there is a Christmas parade. I have taken my daughter every year since she was born. I asked my wife if she was taking our daughter. She replied, "yes". Then, I asked if it would be ok if I tagged along. My wife said she didn't think it would be a good idea. I understood that and said, "that was perfectly ok, no problem", saying it in an upbeat manner and just left it at that. After we ended the phone call, She responded by texting this, "I am trying to keep things good between us, but not confuse things. I think for now it is best that we not hang out. I don't want to offer you false hope. I will be there Christmas morning to open Santa gifts for (daughter). I am having friends over and we are going to the parade together. I'm spending time with friends that don't feel stuck in the middle and awkward around me. I am sorry" I responded to that by simply saying "no that's totally ok. I wanted to go for (daughter). Honestly though, I hope you have fun". I am still just so confused with what is happening. I realize mistakes I have made and I want so badly to be given that second opportunity to prove myself. I know I cannot change her mind. She will have to figure it out on her own. I just pray she chooses to give our family that second chance.
