I wish I had started reading DR before DB. She may still be in the house. I have found a lot of the things I did are listed in the book and those actions pushed her away. I wish I could tell her I was wrong and I know how to fix things whether she want to come along or not.
Try not to beat yourself up over past mistakes. Everyone here has made them. All you can do is accept where you are now and go from there.
Please don't ask W to read DB or anything else. It will only push her farther away. Don't chase her. Give her the space she needs right now. There's still hope, but you have to back off for a bit or you risk making things worse.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Im trying not to ForeverYoung. I am trying a trick to get me to stop trying to talk R, follow her around, and screw up again. I have a couple rubber-bands around my wrist and when I get the urge to do something dumb I snap them. It hurts but hopefully It will help me get into a good habit.
Hi terry, try not to be too hard on yourself. It is a huge shock and you will be feeling all kinds of emotions. It is all normal and what we have all been thru or still going thru. Learn to accept your emotions and run with them but as fy says don't let them consume u. If u need to talk or vent do it with friends, on here or with IC. R u getting regular exercise? If not try it as it will work wonders for your pma. What 180s are u doing? What goals have u set? Again doing these will help u with ur pma as u feel like ur achieving something. You are strong and can do this.just by being here and trying to save ur M shows that. Remember it wld be much easier to quit in a lot of respects. You take care and keep posting so others can help u thru this.
Terry forgot to say when I said talk to friends make sure they are close friends who u can trust. U don't want any confidence betraying so be careful in that respect. I have a click of v close friends who I have know years who don't judge me or my decisions. My W has managed to alienate a lot of our mutual friends against me so be prepared for that. It may not happen but those r the people u don't want to talk to about your W. If that makes sense?
rkyfat73 I started going to the gym 4 to 5 times a week when everything got bad almost 3 months ago. I went Friday morning and got a personal trainer to help me tone down some more. So far I have lost 45 lbs and dropped 5 pant sizes. It helped a little bit because she started to feel physically attracted to me again. Unfortunately I messed things up by not changing the way I reacted to her. I wish I had started DR first. A lot of the problems is discusses are exactly what I did and still catch myself doing. So since the end of September through the way I reacted to her and her moods I got clingy, defensive, angry, tried to change her mind because I was right and what she was feeling was wrong. I said mean hurt full things like I will make sure you don't see your daughter again. All of this pushed her away, and destroyed and desire to fix things. I say these things not to beat myself up but to take responsibility for going down the cheeseless tunnel over and over again.
I am currently on Step 5 of DR. I just went through and made lists of what worked when we were happy, My goals for the next few weeks, and listed the problems of the past and each of our reactions. I think I like DR better than DB, because of the steps it goes through. I really wish I had started DR before DB, when I got them two months ago.
I don't know if some time apart might soften her heart enough to take the leap of faith that things can be good, and not slip back into the old habits a few months later. I am learning all I can about how I handle things, and how I react to others actions. I am working on my body, mind and spirit. This will defiantly help my D, if I am strong and confident. I just need to catch myself before I get too depressed and slip into old habits.
My goals are pretty simple, but my main goal if for her to return home by March. I first have to work on changing me, so my improvements are visible to her and other. I think by doing this she will come around and be more accepting of another chance.
She came over yesterday to get more of her stuff and give me that dates she wants to see our D. I was smiling, acting positive, and being nice. I did ask if she would like to continue going to the gym together and she said yes. She also gave me a hug when she left, which was unexpected.
I may be deluding myself but deep down I don't think she really wanted to leave. If she really wanted a divorce and out of the marriage she could have done that at anytime. She has said that her trying to have an affair was to get me to give up, because of the way I feel about cheating. She wanted me to give up and let her go. She told me this months ago, and stopped trying to chat, or find anyone else four or five weeks ago. When we went to a therapy appointment a few weeks ago she told him that she will not cheat on me while we are married, she decided she didn't want to hurt me like that. She was happy that I found out about her inviting a guy to meet her for brunch. It proved how serious things were. I just didn't have the skills to stop doing the things that don't work.
I am being positive at this moment today. Within the last couple of days I stopped checking her phone logs, and checking her e-mails. I am giving her space, and not worrying about things I cant control. If she does something she said she wouldn't, like have an affair, I cannot stop it or control it. All I can do is accept that it happened, and either move on or learn to forgive her.
Thanks ForeverYoung. I have seen so many of my traps in DR. Now I just have to show my D and W that I can change. The hard part will be keeping positive.
Terry these last posts sounds much more positive. Sounds like you need a new wardrobe too! If she is physically attracted to you again then you are already making great progress.
Your moods will bounce up and down like a yo yo, the important thing is your W only sees the positive you and thats where S may also help you.
She will be v confused even if she does not show it. The more she sees the new you and potential for a new M the more she will question her choice. Be patient and give her the space she needs.
Good for you stopping the snooping and thats exactly the right thing to do. Be the better man and she will have no need to look elsewhere if there is no A at the moment.
rkyfat73, I am trying my best to be positive. I have glued positive affirmations all over the house to help with my self esteem and keep me looking at a positive outcome.
Unfortunately my mood shifts back and forth, but when the negative thoughts enter by mind I snap my rubber band bracelet against my wrist. That changes my thought process immediately. I hope it wont take long for my brain to associate the two together and stop the negative thoughts.
W came over to take my D out to dinner. My heart is still pounding, now there is an empty feeling in my chest. I'm trying to fight it, the rubber band thing works for a little bit, but then I have to snap it again. My wrist hurt and had red marks all over it.
