rkyfat73 I started going to the gym 4 to 5 times a week when everything got bad almost 3 months ago. I went Friday morning and got a personal trainer to help me tone down some more. So far I have lost 45 lbs and dropped 5 pant sizes. It helped a little bit because she started to feel physically attracted to me again. Unfortunately I messed things up by not changing the way I reacted to her. I wish I had started DR first. A lot of the problems is discusses are exactly what I did and still catch myself doing. So since the end of September through the way I reacted to her and her moods I got clingy, defensive, angry, tried to change her mind because I was right and what she was feeling was wrong. I said mean hurt full things like I will make sure you don't see your daughter again. All of this pushed her away, and destroyed and desire to fix things. I say these things not to beat myself up but to take responsibility for going down the cheeseless tunnel over and over again.
I am currently on Step 5 of DR. I just went through and made lists of what worked when we were happy, My goals for the next few weeks, and listed the problems of the past and each of our reactions. I think I like DR better than DB, because of the steps it goes through. I really wish I had started DR before DB, when I got them two months ago.
I don't know if some time apart might soften her heart enough to take the leap of faith that things can be good, and not slip back into the old habits a few months later. I am learning all I can about how I handle things, and how I react to others actions. I am working on my body, mind and spirit. This will defiantly help my D, if I am strong and confident. I just need to catch myself before I get too depressed and slip into old habits.
My goals are pretty simple, but my main goal if for her to return home by March. I first have to work on changing me, so my improvements are visible to her and other. I think by doing this she will come around and be more accepting of another chance.
She came over yesterday to get more of her stuff and give me that dates she wants to see our D. I was smiling, acting positive, and being nice. I did ask if she would like to continue going to the gym together and she said yes. She also gave me a hug when she left, which was unexpected.
I may be deluding myself but deep down I don't think she really wanted to leave. If she really wanted a divorce and out of the marriage she could have done that at anytime. She has said that her trying to have an affair was to get me to give up, because of the way I feel about cheating. She wanted me to give up and let her go. She told me this months ago, and stopped trying to chat, or find anyone else four or five weeks ago. When we went to a therapy appointment a few weeks ago she told him that she will not cheat on me while we are married, she decided she didn't want to hurt me like that. She was happy that I found out about her inviting a guy to meet her for brunch. It proved how serious things were. I just didn't have the skills to stop doing the things that don't work.
I am being positive at this moment today. Within the last couple of days I stopped checking her phone logs, and checking her e-mails. I am giving her space, and not worrying about things I cant control. If she does something she said she wouldn't, like have an affair, I cannot stop it or control it. All I can do is accept that it happened, and either move on or learn to forgive her.
