hello labug Thanks for your response. Philosophically, I'm not sure I can agree that the goal of DB is to change yourself. Michele's Divorce books are about how to save a marriage. Everyone on this forum has the improvement or salvation of the their marriage as their goal.
Michele's recommended process of saving the marriage is for at least one member to work on how they behave and react within the marriage. That is where the self exploration and conscious and measured change comes into play.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic, but I do think it is important that we remember the goal is to save a marriage. That is a sacred and noble endeavor, I believe, and it's importance serves as motivation for the change we all must undertake.
Of course, I'm finding this process of change constantly challenged by the fallout of my behavior prior to my wife filing for a divorce. And the situation makes me tremendously sad. And the total emotional silence from my wife.
That said, I am busy GAL. Since leaving the house, I have gone out regularly with friends and on "dates". I put the quotes because they are social dates, with no sexual component. I've made quite a few new friends. Most of my friendship had been through my marriage, and surprisingly, most of them have turned their back on me. One even said, "Your divorce makes me very uncomfortable." I said, "Me, too."
But since my wife kicked me out, I've done tremendous soul searching and have been blessed with the presence of a new friend - a 94 year old counselor who found me in a coffee shop. After years of going to IC and MC and getting nowhere, after talking to this man for 20 minutes, he told me exactly what my problem was. And offered to help me fix it.
This is the person I'm working with to get my wife back. Completely not sinister. Very much online with the DB approach. Same school of cognitive therapy.
My D5 is aware of the divorce proceeding. At first she just understood that W and I were living in different places. We explained that we still love each other, but just don't want to live with each other. A vague concept of what divorce is, but we certainly don't believe in trying to explain the full scenario to our D. She was fine with it the way a 5 year old is fine with things they don't quite get. She has gradually pieced things together and every week I check to see if she has any questions. I think her friends at school are saying things like my W and I don't love each other any more, we hate each other, and (on a positive)that she can get much more stuff because she'll live in two houses.
My wife is an alcoholic, but has been sober for 8 years (her AA "birthday" is in two weeks) My wife also suffered from pretty bad postpartum and had been taking Zoloft through the second pregnancy. Last year, oddly around the time of her affair, her doctor switched her Prozac, and she went absolutely crazy. Seriously, I was a day from having her committed. The Prozac had triggered my W bipolar self and she was all over the place emotionally and mentally. They changed her meds, but she has never been quite the same.
My Anger stems from a gross sense of of feeling inadequate in most things in my life. I have tremendous expectation of my self, and never feel I am good enough. This translate to defensive behavior. So I've been sharp and critical of everything in the world - not always in a direct way, often in a sarcastic, harsh joking way. This really bothered my W. After I discovered my wife's affair the first time,I was thrown into a panic. Add to that my business has been falling apart. Add to that a little face cancer. Add to that being diagnosed with partial epilepsy and not being able to drive for 5 months in Southern California. I was a ball of failure with no control over my life. And it made me mean. Never physically mean. Just extremely defensive.
The first time I discovered my W affair, was when she cancelled our Anniversary to go be by herself. I flipped and did not conduct myself well. I checked her cell and texting records and saw a text to the OW at 10:30pm. It was the number of the father of our Ds friends, who had recently divorced his wife.
I approached my W about it and asked if I could see the texts. She flipped and told me she had erased them. She acted very indignant and told me he was helping her with figuring out things between us. Red flags of course were up for me and I approached the OM and he had erased all the texts too. But assured me that there was nothing going on between them. And that he certainly didn't want to get in the middle. A sadness and tension existed between my wife and I since then. That was around May 6. I think she planned on leaving me right then.
Most recently, I saw the guy at Starbucks. I approached him and asked him to tell me what happened. At first he denied, but then he told me what happened. Right down to my W not telling him she has herpes and that they didn't use a condom and that he was pissed.
