I'm amazed at how similar some points of your sitch is to mine.
I too had the idea that I would work a lot to be able to get to the point where I could slow down and spend more time with family. Stupid.
I also constantly postponed proposing to her, waiting for things to become more stable and for our house getting built.
Sadly by the time I put work lower on my list of priorities and started planning proposal she had already checked out and initiates contact with an OM. Nothing physical, but enough to push her over the edge I think.
Like you, we are friendly towards each other, but she is still going back and forth between wanting to spend time and being charming to acting like I'm poisonous.
Be patient, I know it's hard. I struggle too, but we need to give this time.
Leaving is a tough choice and they need to convince their self that they made the right choice. Changing their mind will be hard, really hard BUT
they are not stupid, they will notice change even if they don't acknowledge or believe the changes. As time goes consistent change will become more believeablre.
And when WE ourselves truly believe our changes I think we will become a lot more confident and relaxed, knowing that we have become better people.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
