A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

Hi I posted here the other day but it hasn't shown yet, I don't know if I did it wrong or if it is still waiting on moderation. Anyway i thought I would post the same question again in case it was me so apologies if it is all repeated. I have added some more thoughts coz, well, a few days have passed which means a few extra thoughts have wandered into my head!!

Its just that this week my head was sent spinning again!! I've been focussing a lot on my career and got invited to go with my CEO to my first conference (great validation for me!) H has been very pleasant so I asked him if he could have D10 for the three days. He was very supportive, seemed pleased for me about the conference so all good, D10 and I dropped round on Wed morning before school to drop off her stuff. So we are standing at the end of driveway - H, me, D10 and D10s suitcase. An older couple walked past, said a cheery good morning then obviously noticing the suitcase the guy laughingly says "she's not kicking you out is she?" To which H cheerily replied "not yet!"

My jaw just dropped. Look, I get it was just a casual comment and we don't tell our awkward situation to every complete stranger but he moved out in February...how did his brain even come up with that response??

There's a bit of a pattern...he does carry on as if nothing has happened. All good, let's be friends and carry on. He took months to tell his mother, its not on the radar at his work and its not on the grapevine in our community. It's like he doesn't want anyone to know that beneath the superficial pleasantries all is not as it appears. Let's be honest, he can't even acknowledge that openly to me!! Is it guilt? Confusion of his MLC fog? Fear of consequences? Avoidance? Support 'good guy' self image? All of the above?

I would love some feedback just to get an idea of the thought process I'm dealing with.

Also, did I do the right thing just letting it go with no comment or should I have challenged him? Thinking for next time.

Arghhh its all so confusing!!

And now I have another question. H is moving to a new place as his lease ran out. He just texted me asking me over later in the week for a coffee, its his weekend with D10. I didn't know how to reply!! Eventually I replied with 'thanks, maybe we can work out a suitable time later in the week" So whats that about? Its like he wants me to be his friend, sure we get along good - the way I see it tho is we are not friends, this is not friendship, its the remains of a marriage. And the reason the remains are good is because the marriage was good . So do I go over for coffee or am I busy???

On a positive note I think I am seeing some clarity with regards to 180s. At fist the idea seemes a bit artificial to me, like I needed changing to suit H, with a motivation that was a bit manipulative. However, what I am now coming to see is that the process needs to involve thinking about behaviours that you can 180 to improve yourself as a person and therefore will lead to a better future for me. Regardless of whether that future ends up being with H or not. Self development not change just for the sake of change. In a lot of ways, we are being given a unique opportunity to stop and take stock of our lives and life philosophies. To work out what is really important to us and decide what kind of person we want to be moving forward. I get to evaluate and improve on the 'past me' to make a better 'future me'. Thats really empowering and exciting.