And now what?

[sandi2]

Did her A go physical? Is that a deal breaker or do you believe you can get past it? Is she still in an A?

[KLB]

Yes. They had sex at least once. They aren't seeing each other any more.
As best as I can tell anyways.

Of course it hurts, but yes, I can get past it. I was a bad choice on her part, but more than anything, I think it was a cry for help.

[AnotherStander]

I was running late due to terrible traffic. When I walked in the door, my wife, needing to leave so she wouldnt be late, threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug good-bye. It felt so nice. So much like things used to when we were happy.

Wow, that's awesome! I thought you were going to say that she yelled at you for being late!

But if she asked me back tomorrow, I don't think I would go. I'm enjoying this time to focus on myself and my growth. I would go on a date with her, but not jump back in.

GOOD!!! You totally get it!

I figure if I have a chance at saving this marriage, I have only one chance. And I'm not going to screw that up.

I would just caution that sometimes people will look at it like this, and then if they have a backslide they think "well that's it, I screwed up my only chance." But DB'ing is about making adjustments and monitoring them. Sometimes it can be a backslide, but that doesn't mean it's over, it just means we have to make another adjustment and continue DB'ing. Don't look at it as a single chance so much as a process with lots of little ups and downs along the way.

[KLB]

Thanks AnotherStander,
It felt good to touch her and have her touch me.
As I said, it may have just been a habitual response, but it gave me a glimmer of hope.

I know there will be some missteps as I go through this process. There already have been! Somedays it is just hard to feel happy and cheerful.

I wouldn't want to go back to her, if she asked, right now, because I feel there is still a great deal I need to take care of personally. A lot of the trouble was that I became absent and started having an affair with my business. That need to succeed in order to be the Hero I thought I needed to be is the big thing that ate away at the heart of my wife and marriage. While I have been able to eliminate that need now - being on my own - I have a fear that I would fall back into the same pattern if I went back to my wife right now.

Essentially, I know I've changed. I just need to know the change is engrained and becomes less a choice and more a mode of behaviour. I've seen to many people get back together and fall back into the old patterns and end their marriage for good.

That's what I'm thinking by this being my one chance.

[KLB]

This morning when my wife came into work, my Wife was much more reserved and withdrawn.

She may have been embarassed that she was affectionately demonstrative to me when she left last night.

It's funny - when we last spoke about "Us" (3 months ago) she said that she loved me and always would, but that she couldn't take the marriage any more. By that I think she meant the lack of physical affection, both of our anger, and the tension that had built up, especially in the last year.

[KLB]

No disrepect to all of you who have been working on this for a long time, but today I'm so frustrated with the lack of progress.
I just want to be able to get to the point where we can work on stuff.
Having a hard time keeping the chin up today.

[Dm45]

I am soooo with you on that. The patience is the hardest part...

[KLB]

Thanks for the response Dm45. I'm not a Triage patient, so I don't get to much action/response right now.

My problem is that my situation has remained pretty much the same for quite a while. It is the new normal and that normal is a swamp - slow moving.

Everything is so cordial and polite with my wife. Very sterile.
My brother and I just stopped over at the house to drop off the car I borrowed while mine was in the shop. She was friendly and straight to business. She did, however, make a very conscious effort to walk past me and hug my brother, while going out of her way to avoid any physical contact with me. So much so that as I was standing in the door of the kitchen, and she needed to get past, she literally hugged the other side of the door as she passed. Almost as though she is afraid of me.

Still hard for me to believe we are at this place of treating each other like this.

[KLB]

Reading a post from one of the more experienced posters on the forum has made me question if this is even worth it.

The gist of the post was that LBS often has been given clues if not outright descriptions and requests from the WAS of what was needed by the WAS to remain happy in the marriage. When the LBS doesn't pick up or respond to those requests, eventually the WAS gets so frustrated that they shut down and eventually initiate Divorce. The Big D can be the thing that shakes the LBS to the point of realizing what changes actually needed to be made. Unfortunately, The WAS is so sick of it all the won't accept the potential for change in their S.

This makes me wonder if there is any point to try and Remedy my Divorce situation. I would love to hear from a WAW about their thoughts on this.

I've read the WAS forum and don't see much openess for possibility of change in their S within their posts.

[theUF]

Sorry you're in this situation.

I'm amazed at how similar some points of your sitch is to mine.

I too had the idea that I would work a lot to be able to get to the point where I could slow down and spend more time with family. Stupid.

I also constantly postponed proposing to her, waiting for things to become more stable and for our house getting built.

Sadly by the time I put work lower on my list of priorities and started planning proposal she had already checked out and initiates contact with an OM. Nothing physical, but enough to push her over the edge I think.

Like you, we are friendly towards each other, but she is still going back and forth between wanting to spend time and being charming to acting like I'm poisonous.

Be patient, I know it's hard. I struggle too, but we need to give this time.

Leaving is a tough choice and they need to convince their self that they made the right choice. Changing their mind will be hard, really hard BUT

they are not stupid, they will notice change even if they don't acknowledge or believe the changes. As time goes consistent change will become more believeablre.

And when WE ourselves truly believe our changes I think we will become a lot more confident and relaxed, knowing that we have become better people.