My H tried to give me an earful about ''his'' take on life. I told him "I understand this is very real to you and that you believe your doing the best things in life to get you through, but I will not be a part of it nor will I tolerate your new drinking, or you continued friendship w/ea".
He said stop me, kick me out then, I was ready to go the one time you actually did.
I said, no you laughed, sat on the bed and tried to get me to hug you. He said, it was me having feelings for you because I knew you really didn't want me to leave.
I said nothing more about that, but proceeded to say I am done, done, and will not start over again now w/drinking done with it all. He tried to get snippy and say well I could live my whole life not talking to you if it means I can't talk to ea.
I told him "fine you've been at it so long you must be right, ok if it get this crap out of my life, that's your choice".
He said he's like at the first yr college stage, from having revisited all his childhood so far. That would be when he started drinking, met a girl that took really bad advantage of him, and he met the church!
So that explains the drinking, but he's driving through the city, pulling out money for ea (just like college, he paid a girls rent, she was sleeping w/not H, she crashed his car, and he was a virgin pouring his heart to her).
Next in his life's past is the beginning of his dedication to church were he met a spiritual father who loved him.
I was as adamant as him, no drinking & driving, not money for ea, I don't care about her poverty, she is nothing to this family, he said she's his friend, I said no, there are consequence to these real grown-up actions your 52yr old, family life cannot except.
So how did I do...any thoughts out there! I am not getting much feed back at all. I read alot of others feedback w/similar sitch, try to leave a line or two. I read this is a stage were what I say is most crucial, but I can't have him drunk driving? God forbid he kills someone!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn, Thank you for posting these insights into your H's state.
I found them incredibly helpful.
Like most on here I struggle to understand just what our spouses are going through.
To hear that your H feels that coming home makes him feel like he's in a tomb, really struck a chord with me.
I'm sure this is what it feels like for my H as well, from what he says.
I can acknowledge, intellectually that it's no good to pursue him till the cows come home, but unless you can start to understand how bad it feels to them (i.e. a matter of life and death/survival), it's too easy to fall back into the habit.
The fact that your H went on to say he can be like this until he dies, that he has no humanity in him, and just works to keep himself busy so he doesn't have to think, also made me sit up and re-evaluate how I've been thinking about my sitch.
Your posting has done me more good than I can say.
I'm also struck by what your H said about being at the first yr college stage.
I can see this so clearly in my H's behaviour - he even joined the college football team (believe it or not) and has gone back to all his old college friends (who are now divorced themselves, including his old college GF who is now OW).
I didn't realise they literally re-visited previous stages in their lives, but this explains so much.
Please keep posting your insights regularly if you can. You sound very strong and purposeful to me and seem to be doing a lot that is working. Your H is having insights and talking to you about how he feels - this has to be a step in the right direction.
NLW - I was really thrown back to think that my posts are having an impact on anyone, I thought I was starting to hear crickets. I makes me feel so good to know that my words are being helpful.
Your right my H's telltales make for good posts because it seems more often S don't reveal that much about what's in there mind. I didn't realize it could be good insight.
He says he speaks out to make sure I understand it's not about me. Your right we have to understand how they feel and then letting go is a little easier.
Oh, those college yrs! I guess I'm in for a ride because that's when he fell from grace as soon as he found it, from church, to drinking, to homeless in his car at 20. He's said he started drinking 3 wks ago, and is living in his car even when in my driveway.
Yesterday he mentioned God, his defiance toward him and his rebellion. So yea, right on cue! This will be the time when he (as the past plays out) dropped out and gave in to the idea of being a hard working carpenter. We will see when the next curtain is pulled back.
Funny when I read your posts your write stxh and I kept reading it as stupid xing (f-ing) H. Oh well not to far from the truth.
Thank you so much for posting...I am here almost everyday as my life unravels, you are strong also, remember yours was the very first posts I related to that brought me out of myself, my grief, to start my own thread.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Today h came home at 7a as usual from work and slept in the car. After about noon he came into the door way to leave festival tickets on the hall table for D18.
I step outside to find him going back to his SUV saying he's heading out, he can't come in today, he won't shower, eat, charge his phone, nothing can make him want to trap himself in our home.
I was shivering so I got in the SUV where he turned the heat on for me saying he has to go through this, he has to wonder to settle his mind or go crazy. I said your making choices that you know better, he agrees saying but he "needs" to complete his journey.
He made sure we were all ok! I have always been the financier so he knows that's not an issue, but he wanted to know how much more he could work to give S21 money for his car. I said he won't take from you, he's hurt, he was never a momma's boy, he's your one son that was born a little man hanging with his dad from day one.
H said he had been thinking about that lately figuring S21 has me, a F who's not really gone, just wackadoodle, and a secure home. He's fine! I said your putting a blanket "were fine" over us so you can proceed without guilt and full justification. He said, I'll except that, yes, I have to!
H then looked at me, head cocked, eyes true, saying what do you want from me? I said, I'm just waiting for you to figure out what you already know! At that moment I knew let him go, drive away on this fluke of a warm day, cause if I don't he'll never heal, and if I do maybe one day he'll come back to me, or at least to himself!
It felt good to be strong for the both of us, I did go on to have a fine day, just a little sad, but secure at home.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
"divorce assumption." leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago: most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.
two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. ( I believe this would be on the part of the MLCer)
Why did some marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.
marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased.
marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier.
personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
Unhappy marriages are less common than unhappy spouses; three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.
This last comment fits me...I was happy with my marriage until H became an unhappy spouse due to nothing involving the marriage.
I thought this was an interesting read, I'm looking into maybe continuing my phycology major and came across this study. If only one person who reads this appreciates it just a little, I'm glad I posted.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey hi- i like your latest posts quite alot. first of all - i wonder if i WANT to find purpose in this dbing - it's hard and sad and LONGGGGG - SOYOUR statistics were good to read. i wonder if i can outlive the problems??? ow-
AND MAN - OH - MAN- IS MY unspeaking h ever reliving his college as well. he doesn't know it- acknowledge it- or even ever ever ever SAY IT-
BUT AS i read your post- i see him with his college buddies- his ow from ancient law office days when he was "on the way up" -
and so on- the tennis - having to be a "star" and have adoring watchers- etc.
it's sad - i'm trying not to judge since i was n3ve the "star" type- just the background type in a big family and taking care of smaller kids. i don't admire his "m.o." - it's kind of gross to be an adult and need to ahve other people admiring you to exist or feel good (i'm guessing) what the heck it is-
it sure sounmds like wnat you described - which makes me feel both good and bad.
today i'd like to really say" If you want to spend your stinking holidays with the person WHO RELALY matters to you- go the hell to her and stay there".
i'm not saying it- but i'm thinking i5t and biting my tongue. he's here for aweek and then to fl and coming back on the 23rd - coul dhe wait a bit longer? why doesn't he just come christmas eve.???
i wonder- i feel insulted- i wonder why he even bothers? i wonder if he's just dying to celebrate with his one true love = her.
i'm not sitting here bleeding- but i'm pissy and insulted- oh well huh? k33ping the wraps on it- youer POSTS REALLY HELP me a ton- do not stop and don't think it doesn't matt34 or you're not hea4rt.
i'm outta here cause he's roaming around somewhere- geeez i hope it's an okay holiday- i don't even know why i'm thinking like this- i should be going to church again and then i'd be celebrting the holiday for the right reason- rather than just sentiment.
it's so creepy to be thinking how slavish he is with his "new life & friends" who are allll old life and friends - and he's like a small child- cannot be friends with more than one person at a time. he doesn't see he usually cannot have fun with me- or be natural or himself because he does that with someone else. what the????
and wtf??? oh well- i am amazed at what's going on in your land up there - you poor kid. talk about replaying life? is your h really aware and saying it rite out loud(which is interesting to me in light of noooo communication at all about"it" ever ever ever) so like- does he think i don't see- feel - think or know it's all there just becau3e he's not saying it out loud- apparently???j!!!\
God - life gets stranger and stranger. i guess i take a little heart from your sttistics
gotta blow - hang n there- you were masterful!!!
((( ))) xxoo we're out here - keep it coming- and thanks. it does matter an awful lot. keep your xmas cheer factor going- i'm trying. fa la la la la .... gasp....
Nero & NLW, thanks so much! ''We can get through this together'', is so comforting especially when you feel your heads about to explode. I have never spoken to so many people before and to have them understand my sitch, well that has been truly a blessing!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
ditto for me- i may have died or exploded if i hadn't found this spot- and you're sympathy & understanding & similarities. it's a godsend and no kidding
on list of things to be grateful for today! not crazy, not dead, healthy, and this forum- woo hoo
"I wish I could shoot a rubberband at God's face" As my H takes bands off of his arm these are is last words out of his mouth before he goes into regret. The hour leading up to this childish comment - like a son to a F which I guess is what it was - my H was enraged while describing his fall from Him and the injustice in life.
They really are seeking something better. The funny thing is some spouses here (I think most but they don't say it), mine included, who know it's not their S's or children, it's something they have to do so deep inside them, we just get in the way and become the source of their anger. Again, like a whinny child not wanting to follow rules, they think it's better ''over there'' if they could just get past, US!
We used to laugh over the last 24yrs that my H was the 5th child here, boy did I put my foot in that one. This college phase is really making him gutsy, and stalker-ish. I'm going to get my S24 fraternity paddle and let H have it real soon!
I think H is on this kick that because he's not having a PA he's somehow entitled to go hang with w/ea, and because he still is home most of the time, working, and keeping up with the finances, this "good boy" should be allowed to go play w/friends.
I said why do you come home then, I don't want any of this in my life. He said, get this script - because I want my cake and eat it too! "I'm not going to loose who and what I have here, but I am going to continue to find my way through this world that God has seem to forgotten" Que the rubber bands!
I read here that a lot of S's get ILYBINILWY. I get I don't love you, or the kids, because I have had to let L burn away with my anger, or dig it down so deep, because I can't handle the obligations that it comes with.
He expresses how his failures in life's efforts for us, have turned into rage, and he has reached his limitations for how high he can take this family, so he's going to take this rage and die trying.
Just don't expect him to be the way he was because "that" guy failed, lets see what this a$$whole can do, rage is his motivator
I continue to do my own thing, sort of GALing, not really caring about his tornado. I am pushing back w/him and challenging him (not to the point of arguing) but standing up for myself, I don't care if he leaves, almost welcome it, so that helps me be stronger.
I have spat back a few words and am amazed at how it doesn't change anything, no threat to leave, almost weakness now showing on his part.
On another thread someone thought maybe their H want's boundaries and is angry she hasn't given him any all this time. I can see that in my H's comments, "who's going to stop me, blah blah, ect.
I think this may be true, but because it's time at this stage, at this phase, timing is everything. I am going to be stronger and stronger w/my boundaries, again, I'm stronger because "I don't care about rocking the sitch, I am ready que sera sera!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
