Things have been coasting along here with minor changes. H spent more time interacting with the boys over Thanksgiving, and an eency weency bit more with me. Just polite conversation.
I initiated the most significant conversation last weekend about Christmas business. He said that he needs to call someone about his yearly tree gift certificate. He said he would handle getting looking for S10 gift, which he has taken care of this week.
I told him that the two oldest boys were worried about him, and noticing that something was wrong with him, especially S16, who has lost some weight.
He said again that he was very unhappy, especially with his job. The situation might change in the new year with a new boss. He teared up. He looked like a big blob of pain.
He also said something that I just had to scratch my head at. I didn’t bring this up, he did, but he said the reason he didn’t get me a cake for my birthday was because he thought eldest son would.
Eldest son has no transportation at present, and the extent of his cooking ability is heating leftovers in the microwave. So that statement made no rational sense.
I’m glad we had the conversation. It confirmed in my mind that H is depressed and there is nothing I can do about it.
He actually told me twice early this week that he would be late. He called me on the phone to relay some info from his dad to me.
He told me which states had the big lottery winners the other day. Apparently he bought a ticket, and didn’t win ☹
S18 asked me a few days ago how conversation with H went. I said that he was definitely depressed.
S said a few things that fascinated me. The time period about a year and a half to 2 years ago I was having a hard time with him.
At the time, I thought it was me. It wasn’t. S said that he was depressed.
His exact words: When you are depressed, you go down to your baser instincts. You are like an animal. You feel totally alone. You will do anything to feel better. You are doing all you can just to survive. I don’t know how he is (surviving). Just leave him alone. It must be taking a lot of energy when he comes downstairs and tries to act normal. That's why he keeps going upstairs. You can't look to someone else to make you happy. That has to come from inside you.
If I had ever doubted that I have been depressed, I know now that I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Something else to be grateful for.
It definitely increased the compassion factor for my H.
He is missing out on something he can never, ever get back. 10 year olds don't keep. Teenagers get lives of their own. I choose not to miss a minute of the time I have been given with them.
I am determined to cheerfully pursue joy. Whether it is MLC, depression, a personality change, a character defect, whatever -- I'm making the most of the roses in my life. I can't control the thorns, but I can choose not to let them overwhelm me. I can choose joy.
