Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

She just emailed, "Thanks for lunch, it was super fun :)"

That's what seems to make this so hard and confusing. We have fun when we go out. We barely fight. She really doesn't have many complaints about me, so I don't have many 180s.

I really wonder if this isn't just W's depression and her searching for something in life that I may not be a part of.

[leopoldstotch]

SG I've told you before that she could be thinking to herself is this all there is to life? I mean to be honest it sounds like you are very predictable with your life. Go to work come home watch tv go to bed by 10:30. Sorry but that sounds pretty boring to me and I'm 13 years older than you,LOL! I think she is looking for some excitement in her life and you haven't exactly provided it have you? Please take Denver's advice it's really good.

[someguy1233]

Last night after dinner was GAL time. I had plans to go out with a friend.

While W was cooking dinner she turned to me and gave me a big hug. She said, "I wish you weren't going out so we could hang out." I smiled and replied, "We have Saturday!" She responded, "ugh. yeah... but we have to go to my brother's birthday party." Tonight she's going out with girlfriends.

Before I left I changed into my nice "going out" clothes and freshened my cologne. W gave me a once over glance but didn't comment. She didn't ask where I was going.

I went out to a bar we don't usually go to and saw a band. It was a good time! My buddy and I talked about putting together a small group of guys to jam. It's time to really start playing the guitar again!

-----

W was angry this morning. S didn't sleep well and she felt that I should have helped throughout the night because she was coming down with a cold. I sleep like a rock and she often ends up dealing with S. I've told her 100 times to wake me and I'll help. I commented, "You didn't ask me for help."

She snapped back at me. I calmly told her, "W, I really struggle to read your mind when I'm awake. It's especially hard when I'm sleeping. I'm willing to help, but you need to ask me."

----

Last weekend W said it would be fun to go to a concert that was advertised on the radio. We're going to the show next week. Hopefully this helps if she's "bored" with us.

It's interesting... in the last 1.5 months W and I have gone out together more than the past year combined.

[labug]

"W, I really struggle to read your mind when I'm awake. It's especially hard when I'm sleeping. I'm willing to help, but you need to ask me."

Pretty good comeback but I hope you aren't trying to read her mind. Keep reminding her "I want to help but you sometimes have to tell me what you need."

Do you really not hear your son at night?

[someguy1233]

"W, I really struggle to read your mind when I'm awake. It's especially hard when I'm sleeping. I'm willing to help, but you need to ask me."

Pretty good comeback but I hope you aren't trying to read her mind. Keep reminding her "I want to help but you sometimes have to tell me what you need."

Do you really not hear your son at night?

No, I'm not actually trying to read her mind.

I do hear my son, but I don't wake as quickly as W. Before I realize he's awake, she's already up with him. She's a very light sleeper in comparison.

[justjudy]

SG I am totally new at this,and so reluctant to jump in with advice but I just read the last few posts of your thread and can't not reply.

You mentioned you are finding it hard to come up with 180s but then next few posts about who gets up in the night...there's your 180! Be first up to your son. Don't argue that she should ask for help if she wants it, just do it. Trust me, she will appreciate it. Getting up to children in the night is mind numbingly exhausting, mundane, repetitive, boring, and just plain hard work. Every mother feels taken for granted and wants more help with the routine stuff of life. Perfect recipe for resentment if she feels you are not pulling your weight...even if YOU think you are.

Judy

[Denver_2010]

Last night after dinner was GAL time. I had plans to go out with a friend.

While W was cooking dinner she turned to me and gave me a big hug. She said, "I wish you weren't going out so we could hang out." I smiled and replied, "We have Saturday!" She responded, "ugh. yeah... but we have to go to my brother's birthday party." Tonight she's going out with girlfriends.

Before I left I changed into my nice "going out" clothes and freshened my cologne. W gave me a once over glance but didn't comment. She didn't ask where I was going.

I went out to a bar we don't usually go to and saw a band. It was a good time! My buddy and I talked about putting together a small group of guys to jam. It's time to really start playing the guitar again!

-----

W was angry this morning. S didn't sleep well and she felt that I should have helped throughout the night because she was coming down with a cold. I sleep like a rock and she often ends up dealing with S. I've told her 100 times to wake me and I'll help. I commented, "You didn't ask me for help."

She snapped back at me. I calmly told her, "W, I really struggle to read your mind when I'm awake. It's especially hard when I'm sleeping. I'm willing to help, but you need to ask me."

----

Last weekend W said it would be fun to go to a concert that was advertised on the radio. We're going to the show next week. Hopefully this helps if she's "bored" with us.

It's interesting... in the last 1.5 months W and I have gone out together more than the past year combined.

That's a good thing. If your are like me, you are just fine being at home, hanging out, and being content. People like me/us, need to remember that others need more excitement, more variety.

[someguy1233]

SG I am totally new at this,and so reluctant to jump in with advice but I just read the last few posts of your thread and can't not reply.

You mentioned you are finding it hard to come up with 180s but then next few posts about who gets up in the night...there's your 180! Be first up to your son. Don't argue that she should ask for help if she wants it, just do it. Trust me, she will appreciate it. Getting up to children in the night is mind numbingly exhausting, mundane, repetitive, boring, and just plain hard work. Every mother feels taken for granted and wants more help with the routine stuff of life. Perfect recipe for resentment if she feels you are not pulling your weight...even if YOU think you are.

Judy

Thanks for posting. I think this is great advice. Even if W is up with S I can ask if she needs help. I can offer rather than assuming she has everything under control.

[labug]

I was thinking about this when I read it earlier, too.

Judy is correct.

How about you tell your W to not get up when he cries but to shake you so you can get up?

[someguy1233]

It was an interesting weekend. This may be a longer post, but please stick with me.

W quit her job on Friday. This was her number one stress in life. I talked with her Friday afternoon and she seemed so happy. I could hear the relief in her voice. She went out Friday night and partied with her old coworkers and friends. It was originally going to be a “ladies night” with girlfriends, but everyone decided to party together. She came home around 7AM Saturday morning. She said she stayed at a hotel with her girlfriends.

Saturday
*She spent most of the day being pretty hung over. She snuggled VERY close to me in bed when she got home… basically laying on top of me.
*She had on a simple outfit but looked amazing. Knowing how she’s self-conscious about her body lately, I made a comment about how great she looked. She lit up with happiness at the comment.
HERE’S THE BIG ONE
*At one point in the morning she looked at me and said:
W: You know what I think? I think you’re a great dad, a great husband, and an all-around amazing person. I think we should stay married.
M: Really? Ok (I noticed S needed his diaper changed and scooped him up to walk to the other room. W followed)
W: So what do you think?
M: I think that’s good. But we definitely have some things to work on. (W seemed sad and walked away.) You seem disappointed. Are you?
W: Well would you have said the same thing if I said I wanted a divorce? ‘Ok. Well we have things to work on.’
M: W, I think this is great. But I’m also tired of this cycle. We keep doing this on-off-on-off and I’m tired of it. We have work to do to keep this from happening again.
W: Well you’re fine. You’re a great husband. You’re not the crazy one. But I want to be married if you’ll have me.
M: Yes, but we have work to do.
W: What do you want to do?
M: I don’t know right now. But we’ll have to figure something out.

*She held my hand as we drove to the store later in the day.
*As she was making lunch she said she was doing her “wifely duty.” She then said, “I suppose I should start doing some other wifely duties as well.” She was referring to ML. I laughed and said “that would be nice.” She said, “It would be so weird because it’s been so long.”
*That night we went out for dinner and a couple drinks. She started talking about some things that need to change, etc.
1. She said that she’s not a good person.
2. She said that she got bored. She woke up one day and realized that we spent the last two months sitting on the couch.
3. I asked if she wanted to go to Retrouvaille. She said she didn’t want to but would because she knew it was important to me.
4. We talked about things to do instead of sitting on the couch. Everything from volunteering, to small overnight trips, to going out to new bars, etc.
5. She said she can’t guarantee anything. She feels that I can guarantee marriage forever and that I’m committed. She said she can’t make any guarantees but she wants to make it work.
6. She said that I need hobbies. I need my own passions. She said that she feels like she has to be my everything and that one person can’t be everything for someone. She explained that she gets some things from me, some from her coworkers, some from her girlfriends… she explained that one person can’t be everything for another.

*As we went to bed she said “I love you” and snuggled close.

Sunday
*She laid on me on the couch as I relaxed in the morning.
*We danced in the kitchen.
*We put up the Christmas tree. It was a fun relaxing time.
*She wasn’t herself much of the day. She blamed it on her period.
*She sat on my lap as I was sitting in a chair looking at the tree.
*Her phone was sitting on the table and I saw a text. It was from possible OM. It read, “No! Why would you think that?” I didn’t tell her that I saw it. Soon after her phone was back on the counter upside down.
*This caught me off guard and I got angry. I tried to remove myself and go outside, but she picked up on my anger before I left the room. She asked what was wrong and I said, “nothing.” I came back inside and began acting happy again.
*She gave me a soft kiss. I let her and then slightly pulled back. She said she was trying to help get the “F-OFF” look off my face.
*After S went to bed she wanted to watch TV. She asked me if I wanted company on my couch. I said, “sure.” She made a comment about hating how uncomfortable my couch is but came over and snuggled very close. She slowly caressed my side as we watch the show.
*When we went to bed she said goodnight and gave me a quick kiss.
*As I left for work this morning she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

What to do???
I don’t know what to do from here. There’s the issue of the possible OM (who’s moving across the country in January).
I don’t want to move to fast and scare her away. But I don’t want to move too slow and seem uninterested.
I don’t know what we need to do to make this last and keep this constant cycle from happening again. She seems to flip/flop every six months.