Separation at 17.5 months

[adinva]

New thread to mark the occasion of separation agreement draft received 17 and a half months post bomb. Three days ago was our 19th anniversary. Today H emailed me the document he had completed for our separation agreement.

I emailed him that I had received it, and requested two weeks to reply to it.

I was disappointed that he didn't speak to me face to face about the draft he had completed. Not that it matters in the long run, but I lost some respect for him in the way he's handling this. Considering we still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, it's not that hard to talk to me. I decided I would talk to him about it.

I went upstairs since he was in bed and said, so, you emailed me a separation agreement. He said, yeah. I said, well, I still find it really hard to believe that this is what you want, but if it is what you want, then I guess it's go time. [crickets]

I said, well are you going to move out? He said, when we have the agreement signed.

I asked, well, until we have it signed are you planning to continue going out every night and staying out overnight on weekends? He said I don't know, I hadn't thought about it.

The reason I brought this up is that before Thanksgiving week, when he stayed home while I took the boys on a cruise, I had told him that if he was going to continue going out and looking like he's dating, we needed to explain the situation to the kids, who have been left completely in the dark for the past almost two years. I said after we return we need to explain it to them. We have all been back in the house together since Monday.

So I said, well, the kids need to know what's going on, if you're going to be staying out all night and eating dinner out with [friend] all the time. For now, you can stay in our room, but once we explain this to the kids then I'd like you to find another place to sleep. Honestly I'm having trouble recalling exactly what I said here, but I think that's ok. Given the emotionally charged timing, he's probably a little fuzzy on what we agreed to.

Later, when we've had time to think about this more, we'll revisit it. I wanted to tell the kids as soon as I had a draft separation agreement, that we are working on separating and dad is planning to move out. Some of the details are still being decided.

I don't think we need to wait until the agreement is signed. I did have a preview of it and I already know there are deal breakers in there that will need to be negotiated. Also, my financial advisor can't meet with me until the 10th. So there could be some animosity over the next month as we disagree on terms. The kids should know what is happening.

I have no problem, once I feel sure that it's time, asking him to tell them with me and if he's not ready I will let him know I'll tell them myself.

I also think it's time to tell my folks. They may be able to help me buy H out of the house.

[adinva]

Here's my last thread, http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2293301&page=3

[JuneReN]

Hey Ad, followed you over here. A few words:

- It does get harder, especially when you start telling people. I really choked up the first few weeks, but to my good friends I said no sympathy, no tears and I can discuss this-otherwise I am done in.
- I am very up front with my part in breakup, saying my behaviour was just as much too blame. If friends ask, I also say, I wanted to work on marriage and still love H, but I cannot make H do what he does not feel is best for him.
- I also am at separation, but don't put yourself at divorce yet
- The kids will find it tough, but I will tell you they have known for a while. Maybe not all the particulars, but they have known
- Hugs to you. and congrats on the convo with H and S. Nicely done!

[adinva]

Thanks Ruby! I love how you worded your statement to friends.

I've thought a lot about feelings since this all came up. I find them a little baffling so I'm a little like a foreigner trying to hard to fit in and figure out the lay of the land. But here's where I am currently:

I don't want to control anyone else's feelings about this or about me. If I tell them and they cry I'll cry with them probably but I don't want to tell them they can't cry. Or make them feel like they should cry, if they don't. I am a cryer, so if they act sympathetic and I start to cry, they will have to deal with their own discomfort.

It would be nice if I could tell my parents and they say just the right things that I want to hear and they comfort me just right, but I have no idea how they'll respond. I'm open to just telling them the facts that they need to know, and seeing what happens from there.

If I get in over my head I can always back out with a request to change the subject for a while, or to talk more later instead of now. My feelings are still a little all over the map.

Mostly right now I'm puzzling over my anger at him. I know I played a role. I know he's got some problems that have made it difficult or impossible to come to the table emotionally. I think, what if he told me two years ago that he just discovered he was gay; he was so sorry and torn up but he could not stay in the marriage. I would have been compassionate, my anger would have been shorter-lived, and now I'd be able to be more factual and comfortable with telling people.

What's the difference?

I feel waves of urges to include in my statement that "he's leaving us." or "he decided to" or in some other way subtly make sure that I look like the good one and he is clearly the bad one. I feel so angry with him. I know there's a lot more to it that he-bad and me-good, a lot more. But I don't feel yet like I would present this to a friend as if I had an equal part in ruining my marriage. I was ignorant and so was H, but as soon as my eyes were cleared I got to work and I worked hard. I feel like I got the short end of the stick.

Off to IC, planning to talk about this angry feeling with her.

[keep_going]

Ad,

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. Your anger is understandable and I am glad you will be exploring it with your counselor. She / he seems to have helped you tremendously in the past and I am sure this will be another productive session.

Looking forward to hearing about it.

[adinva]

I've spent my whole lunch time reading so I don't have much time to write. Here's some of where we started.

When I went upstairs to not allow my H to get away with separating from me *via email* (insert outraged emphasis), and I simply started out by saying, so you sent me a separation agreement by email, I admitted to IC this was probably passive aggressive. I thought so because I wasn't saying what I meant, I was hoping to convey by my tone and word choice that I was angry about what he did. She said that wasn't passive aggressive, it was perhaps all I could manage at the time to bring it up because I was too mad to say anything more productive. So I wisely waited. I didn't know I was wisely waiting...

But she's right. Because if I had said more than, it would have been how cowardly I thought it was, how he was not the man I had thought he was, and what a crummy jerk he was. I could have expressed that as an "I" statement, ie "I feel like you are a crummy coward." when what I needed to get to was "I feel hurt and disrespected that you didn't give me enough credit to look at me face to face when you gave me a separation agreement." I need to express to him how I feel, not what I think he is. It's not to insult him, it's to increase my self esteem that I did deserve more and I don't mind speaking up and letting him know that.

I think I was masking "I feel hurt" with "you're a real [expletive]." In time I have calmed down and I can decide if I'm able to communicate to him what I think of dropping your wife of almost 20 years via email.

=======

We talked a lot about telling the kids, and I've come to being ready to tell them if this weekend it seems like the bachelor behavior is still going on, or even if it's not, if I just have come around to thinking it's time, I can decide that. IC asked me what I'll tell them, and I thought and tried, "Dad and I have been having some problems, and we just haven't been able to resolve them, so we are working on separating. We will probably make some changes between now and the end of the month. You kids and I will be staying at this house, and dad will move out. We both love you and we'll both always be your parents. Do you have any questions?" IC asked me what questions I expected and I said, "Why?" and she told me I had already answered that. Why, is because we have problems we cannot resolve. That's enough. Later she said I may want to share more with them about how much I didn't want this and how hard I tried to work on things, maybe even how I didn't agree with how H handled things, but she said for now the first sentence was enough Why.

She really liked that I enforced the boundaries I set, and modelled for the kids how to respectfully deal with rude behavior with out escaping the entire discussion that it was a part of.

[Accuray]

Ad,

Re: the e-mail, you could view that approach as cowardly or compassionate depending upon your perspective. I promise he's not an expert at handing out separation agreements, so he may have thought that face to face would be more painful for you. That would be the glass half full way to look at it.

WRT telling parents and friends, I've gone through this with my sister and a couple friends this year where I was on the receiving end of the declaration. You should be prepared for the fact that the other party probably won't know how to respond at first. There is nothing wrong with saying that you didn't want this, or that you would prefer to stay married, because otherwise the first follow-on question they are likely to ask is if you're happy about it or not, as they'll be trying to figure out if you're leaving him or the other way around, or if it's mutual. I do think you'll find people will be more compassionate and supportive than you might expect once the initial shock has worn off, and that support can be very fulfilling longer term.

I've confided in several friends about my sitch and those relationships have definitely grown stronger as a result.

Acc

[Accuray]

Do you think you're misplacing the anger about the separation agreement itself? Maybe the mode of delivery is bothering you so much because you're really angry that you're receiving it at all?

[keep_going]

You should be prepared for the fact that the other party probably won't know how to respond at first. There is nothing wrong with saying that you didn't want this, or that you would prefer to stay married, because otherwise the first follow-on question they are likely to ask is if you're happy about it or not, as they'll be trying to figure out if you're leaving him or the other way around, or if it's mutual. I do think you'll find people will be more compassionate and supportive than you might expect once the initial shock has worn off, and that support can be very fulfilling longer term.

Ad,

This has also been my experience. I avoided telling people for so long, I realize most of it was fear. Fear of again showing my vulnerability, that people would judge me, that they would reject me.

I found many didn't know how to react or what to say and most people showed a lot of compassion for both of us - me and H because they truly care about us.

I have also learned to tackle it differently depending on who I am talking to. I have learned to be more open with close friends / relatives and am not afraid to say that I this wasn't really my choice, but that I accept it.

With those with whom I don't have a close R, I say usually say we are not together anymore. If someone pushes for more info I sometimes divert it with humor saying something like "I don't want to bore you with this" or "it's a long story that I'll tell you another time."

I am not completely comfortable talking about it yet, but it definitely gets easier with "practice."

Hang in there!

[Sweetbriar]

Ad,

I have been reading your post and Im so sorry that this is happening to you. I am just recently separated from my H. I did not want to go through with it, but I had to due to money issues that I needed to be set in stone.

I wanted to tell you though, that telling friends and family turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I spent a lot of time thinking that I was doing something wrong and that people would judge me and think that I wasnt good enough and that is why my husband had to leave me..but honestly, I have gotten SOOOO much love and support from freinds and family...even H's friends that he ditched have been so concerned and caring. It was the best thing I did for my self esteem and my coping. Its nice to have someone to discuss it with!

Also, as far as telling the kids...Im sure they already know that something is going on. THey are far more knowledgeable than we think! Telling my girls was awful, but I felt better once they knew. They were sad and still are sad and ask lots of questions as to their dads behavior...but I just feel like its better now that its in the open around the house. I took the same approach that you are planning on taking and told them that they would not have to move, and that we both love them very much, etc...

Good luck with that and with the final separation. We went to court in Nov for the final sep and I already got an email today from my lawyer saying that she is planning on setting the trial date for the summer (that will be one year since we really stopped living together) and it made me sad. I advised her that Im not pushing the divorce..and that H can do that part.

By the way..Im in VA..where in VA are you?

SB