Still hangin in there

[AJM]

I have to tell you Rachael, that after reading these posts, my first thought is that Snodderly is right - he's trying to change you. I also agree that it doesn't work well. You could change and change and change... in the end you'll only not recognize yourself and he'll still be unhappy most likely.

My second thought: Do you remember when you were dating? Do you remember how your attitude was then? What you would or would not put up with (so to speak)? I can't think of a reason to be different about it now.

I tried the path of being changed. I figured out it didn't matter, but in the end it did make me laugh. Out loud and loudly. I remember that day as I was walking into work and thought, "damn. I'm damn near perfect according to her." My co-workers thought I had lost it She even tried to dress me differently (like the boyfriends I guessed.) That was years ago now, but I recall that moment like it was yesterday.

There was nothing for me to change in that regard. Very little overall, but there were some I wanted to change and did. Only one of the things were what she communicated when it was all said and done. She still wasn't (and isn't from the looks of it) happy. Know why? Because it wasn't about me just like it isn't about you.

Set real and honest boundaries. If he's going to come back to the marriage, he has to respect you and the boundaries and has to WANT to come back. Being you and being authentic is the best shot at that and is the best shot at your own happiness. I've seen it dozens of times with many couples, and I've never seen it work any differently.

If that helps.

Be you, be authentic, and let him do his part and make his own choices. Don't settle for anything else at any time, Rachael. It's important in the long run and the short term is not very important when all is said and done.

Hope that helps,
AJ