You're both right. I did what I could. To be honest - ANY contact triggers me. Whether that's receiving wrong mail or seeing facebook comments to mutual friends. It all bothers me.. it all hurts me.
Intellectually I get that this will happen. Mixed up phone calls, mutual friends.. etc. It all makes sense. All part of the process.
But besides the "normal" hurt of going through a divorce - I also struggle with my abandonment issues.
I remember being 9 and my dad packing his bags... and saying "I love you, it's not you.. I promise I will be there for you" and then walk out the door and only think of himself.
My ex did the same thing and it just sukks. I understand that many WAS said this to their LBS on the board. I believed her and the fact she has stopped all contact feels like abandonment....
.... and I feel like I'm 9 again just hoping that something I DO or SAY will make her realize what a great person she walked away from. Or that maybe if I write my 100th nice email during this process, she will believe that I can get over this.. and respond with something other than a "thanks" or "got it".
.. and the list goes on. Lots of unhealthy thoughts.
Most of the time I'm fine. I don't just wake up and think these things. I don't stare at my phone and think of a reason to reach out to her. Most days - Out of sight, out of mind. But when she does come into sight.. thats when my internal battle begins... especially when its alot of instances in a short period of time.
And yes that frustrates me.. because my brain knows there's nothing I can do.. but my heart has these expectations all the same.
So that's why I do nothing...because ANY action outside of "business-like" with her is skewed with unhealthy motives..
... and there are days that it just bugs the crap out of me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
