Righting my Marital ship; 1st stop: Retrouvaille

[LITB]

I could use some input from those of you who have traveled this road.

Over the last 2-3 weeks, I have felt some distance created between my W and I. I could feel it, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it until last night(ironically the 2nd anniversary since the initial bomb). We had a heart to heart and it was eerily a bit of déjà vu to some degree.

She admitted that she wasn’t feeling it(M/R). She doesn’t know why, because she told me that I have gone above and beyond trying to make things work. A lot of interesting exchanges during this convo. I’ll share what I can remember given that I didn’t get much sleep.

It was at least productive in conveying our thoughts and feelings to each other in a healthy manner without getting heated.

The biggest and most important thing that she admitted is that she believes that she probably has to go back to IC to help her identify the isses(s). I agree. I think a lot of these issues stem from her childhood.

Her parents D when she was 8 and her father walked out of her life for 10 years. Her mother eventually remarried, but then her stepdad got convicted of some serious crimes and was incarcerated for several years. Her mother took her to all of the court hearings and visits to her stepdad in prison. She was very young when all of this took place, so undoubtedly this had to have an emotional effect. What do I know? I am just thinking out loud here.

She told me that she was scared. Scared of the unknown. So am I. I am willing to stand by her side for our M and for our children. At this point, it is a leap of faith.

As for our M/R, the biggest issue for us since reconciliation is what church we attend. Being that I never left the Bay Area since the bomb, I have attended the same church. I have grown tremendously from a spiritual standpoint and they (my church) have supported me throughout the most difficult part of my life.

We were born and raised in different religions, however neither of us practiced our faith for most of our M, so it wasn’t much of an issue. Now, my W would prefer to attend a maga church with a worship band, which I would not have a problem with if I didn’t already have a home church. I have an extremely difficult time turning my back on the very place that has been a huge support for me.

When we agreed to reconcile, I made it clear that my faith is my priority and she will only come after my relationship with God.

I did let her know that I understand if she needs to find a home church for herself. It isn't ideal, but we each have to be responsible for our own faith.

It seems to me that the first issue needs to be addressed, before anything else.

Before this goes on too long. Here’s the thing I need help with. Given this new revelation, the thought of “what would stop her from giving up and walking away again?”. How have some of you been able to overcome this? I’ll admit, it isn’t easy given that I have had a taste of being independent and not having to worry about these issues.

I want to show her love, compassion and support. I feel as though I need to step it up even more. Do more the of the heavy lifting if you will.

Any help on getting her help, would be appreciated. She said that she is willing to go to counseling. I hope to see her put her words into action. Time will tell.