AnotherStander, I hope your right because I don't feel strong enough to get through this. I know I have to for my D.
Your right about the shock of waking up alone, and going to bed alone was not a great experience either. I will re-read the DB basics again. I just hope the time apart will help us get the M fixed.
You have not let anyone down least of all yourself or D. Remember it is not you that is doing this. Speaking personally this IS the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
But you can do your best going forwards to change the outcome, and the worst that can happen is you will have an even better R with D and you will be a much better man. Learn from it, don't beat yourself up and move forwards - easier said than done I know but it is the only way.
You have 3 choices:
1. work on yourself, focus on youself, enjoy the time with D, GAL and do your 180's for you 2. Sit around and dwell on your sitch, focus on your W, make yourself ill, sink into depression 3. Give up, file and move on.
Only you can do this and only you can make that choice - and it is a choice. You basically sink or swim.
Write your bucket list of things you have always wanted to do and make some plans. 25yrsmlc has some great ideas about what she did in her sitch - it made me feel exhausted just looking at it, BUT it also made me realise I have no excuses to not GAL.
Keep exercising, eat properly and get plenty rest.
Your daughter will suffer more if she sees your pain. Plan a trip with her, spend quality time with her, show her that despite the sitch you are fine and that you and D can still have a fantastic time together. Remain upbeat around her as well as W. I know it [censored] and the hardest thing is the guilt about what it might be doing to your kids. But you show them a better more independent you which is all you can do.
Learn to accept your emotions and allow yourself to grieve (in private or with friends but not in front of W or D).
Use the boards to vent, update, get support and advice. There are some great people on here all who have been or are going through similar. They are proof it can be done and none of us could do this without the help on here.
Her moving out will also give chance for your W to notice your changes.
One other thing is to accept that W is not the W you knew. That woman has gone along with the M. She won't snap out of this and wake up. Its up to you to do the work and convince the new W that the new you and the potential for a new M are worth giving another shot.
I know this is tough and I still count myself as being fairly new to all this but have come along way since discovering DB.
Thanks rkyfat73. I needed to hear the choices I have. I will do my best. I am still hurting inside. I love her so much, but she doesn't want to see it.I know that her leaving was the only way our M had a chance, but part of me is panicking inside. I am trying to fight that part of me, but depression starts setting in and it gets harder.
I started reading DR again yesterday, and my D and I have a therapy appointment today. I am helping a friend at school move after the therapy appointment. I am just trying to keep busy so I don't sink too far into depression.
Panic and depression in this situation is normal. Let yourself feel these emotions but don't allow them to consume you. Talking with a therapist will help, as will keeping yourself busy. How's D doing?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
AnotherStander, I hope your right because I don't feel strong enough to get through this. I know I have to for my D.
MANY of us have been right where you are. You CAN do it. Believe me, if I can do it then anyone can, because I felt pathetic, worthless and powerless when I was at the bottom.
Not sure how bad your depression is, but if you have ANY suicidal thoughts at all then go immediately to your PCP and get tested for depression and discuss treatment options. Often counseling is not enough. It wasn't for me. I hate hate hate med's, but I don't think I could have made it out of the pit without them.
I have a question. Because DR is written with the one who wants to fix the marriage and the one who wants the divorce in mind. Shouldn't both parties read it together is possible?
Not sure how bad your depression is, but if you have ANY suicidal thoughts at all then go immediately to your PCP and get tested for depression and discuss treatment options. Often counseling is not enough. It wasn't for me. I hate hate hate med's, but I don't think I could have made it out of the pit without them.
Unfortunately I have been on anti-depressants for a long time, I probably should see if my PCP has anything stronger while I go through this trial.
At times I feel strong enough to beat this, but another part wants to feel sorry for myself. That will be a challenge getting the feeling sorry for myself side too go away.
I have a question. Because DR is written with the one who wants to fix the marriage and the one who wants the divorce in mind. Shouldn't both parties read it together is possible?
NO!
That is like if you were on a football team and you gave the other team your playbook.
Very bad idea.
My wife found me of 5 different marriage forums and used everything she learned here against me in court!
I wish I had started reading DR before DB. She may still be in the house. I have found a lot of the things I did are listed in the book and those actions pushed her away. I wish I could tell her I was wrong and I know how to fix things whether she want to come along or not.
