W and I talked on the phone last night. It was about an hour-long conversation, so I won't list the whole exchange, but will just try to hit the high points:
- W is not "confused" all the time, but is waffling between "confused", liking living on her own, and wanting to reconcile and come home.
- When W is wanting to reconcile, it's mainly because she thinks it might be the right thing to do for the kids.
- W knows D16 wants her to come home because D16 has expressed it several times, but actually believes S9 likes living in separate homes. S9 doesn't talk to her about it (side note, he does talk to me and he does NOT like the sitch, but I didn't tell her as I thought she'd see it as me putting words in his mouth). W thinks D18 doesn't care one way or the other (side note- she actually does and she wants W home too, but she avoids talking about it. I didn't tell W this either).
- W feels like it hasn't been enough time since she moved out for her to collect her thoughts, she needs more time. Wants to "find herself". Thinks she needs at least a few more months.
- W knows what Retrouvaille is and said she tried to get me to go to it at some point (it must have been years ago, I don't even remember the discussion). Even though I presented it not as a marriage-saving effort, but rather a way to improve our communication regardless of what happens to the M, she felt January was too soon to go.
- W says now that she isn't sure we ever should have gotten married to begin with and is not sure she ever wanted to be married (this is straight out of the WAS handbook, but this is the first time she's expressed this to me).
- W expressed that she felt like she was always walking on eggshells around me in the past and was afraid to tell me anything for fear I'd get mad. I validated this, owned my faults for making her feel that way and reassured her that the 180 I've done with that is here to stay. She did say that she felt like we were communicating better now then we ever have before. But she's still afraid that we'd go back to the old ways if we got back together.
I told W I was to the point of being done with her, moving on, filing for divorce in January and starting to date others. I told her that her actions had convinced me that she didn't care about me at all even as a friend and that when she said she was still "confused" about things that it really surprised me. I told her I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here, but that I wouldn't push for D in January. I told her that should we decide to reconcile, we'd need to take it slow and start dating first. I said that I would not even think about it unless she was committed to at least trying to make things work (y'all may recall I've said that during MC she said over and over again that she just didn't "want to try", I reminded her of this and told her I felt this was a huge obstacle to reconciliation.)
We also worked out a few things regarding S9's upcoming bday and Christmas. Overall the entire conversation was pleasant and calm.
So, not much hope there for reconciliation anytime soon, but at least I have a better idea of where things stand.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I've read your entire sitch and felt like I knew where you were at; when I read about 'her confusion' I wondered how it would affect you. Sounds like it has you spinning which is exactly how I would react after everything you've done and been through.
I think maybe I'm just trying to rush things a little too much. I've said over and over again that I have little patience and it's really true. She hasn't even been out of the house 3 months yet and I was ready to close the door and move on, but that's just not enough time. It seems like FOREVER to the LBS, but not to the WAS. It's frustrating, but I've just got to suck it up and wait some more.
Originally Posted By: rubytuesday
AS, you mentioned that she comes by when you have kids because she is very kid centred. But it is the perfect excuse as well, whether she would admit it or not. Done done would not be coming around at all, kids or no kids. Sounds like some baby steps and when you get your hopes up read your quote above! LOL!!
You could be right, maybe I just don't want to get my hopes up. Maybe I don't want to recognize any positive signs because it would keep me from moving on and dropping the rope.
Originally Posted By: 7720
it has been his detachment that has brought her around in my opinion and he has to be very careful here or he will be back to square one again if he does not handle it right.
I agree. I'm trying to handle it in such a way that she knows there's still a possibility of reconciliation, but that I'm not just sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. It's a tightrope walk!
