In total despair

[Spartan]

Man we sound very alike (both our old behaviors and our sitch).

I am hypercritical by nature and usually feel that I have to argue and win every conversation. I know this is a problem I have, and I am trying to work on it.

Sounds identical to me and it's good you recognize it and want to change. As I found out and now you, "winning every conversation" causes you to lose the war and you end up here. One of my biggest 180's that seems to be having positive impact on R is I just listen and try to understand what she's saying. I honestly still only understand her side maybe 50% of the time (women are crazy ) but I don't let on and I try to be as sympathetic as possible. She still isn't trusting the change yet but she is talking more which is a baby step. Remember choose to be happy over being right, only one has staying power.

My wife also complains that I do no validate her, say she's pretty often enough or lift up her spirits, which is true to a point.

There is no 'to a point', if she said it it's 100% true in her mind. Don't go over the top but try to start saying nice things about her when opportunity presents. Figure out ways to build her up.

Perhaps, most of the problem is just my own insecurity.

Same as my sitch again. Insecurity/ lack of trust is a marriage destroyer. Trust is a choice and you just have to do it. Sorry I don't have better advice then that, still working on that one.

We nit pick each other constantly. Really, I guess our biggest problem is just engaging each other and communicating our needs and feelings. We tend to walk on each others feelings instead of lifting them up.

We did same thing and last several weeks I've just stopped it. If you feel like you might be headed that way during talk shift gears or leave room.

So, here is a scenario. Lets say my wife would like to go to a concert with her girlfriends (some married some not), I would typically give her a negative attitude going into that and ramp up my attitude as the day approached. I feel she goes off too often for a wife and a mother. Before she would leave, we would be practically ignoring each other and we would maybe give a half effort waive as she walked out the door. Upon her return, I would give her the silent treatment, and she should would respond with the same. We eventually get over that, and the next issue is on the table for us to bicker over, but we never get to that happy point where we should be.

Have you been spying on me? I can 100% relate to this scenario because we used to live it to some degree or other for years (both ways). This is another easy 180 to try. Don't ask questions and act 'as if' you don't care she's going out or what she's doing. It may still bother you but don't let her know, that's your own issue and doesn't need to come out because it doesn't do any good. In my sitch all I say is 'have fun' and if I'm up when she gets home all I say is 'did you have a good time'. Nothing more. It's crazy but over last month it really has stopped bothering me and she's even coming home earlier and texting me while out.

She has simply stated that she thinks we have lost our connection and we are now incompatible. What she hopes for during this separation is to find herself. She has told me that she doesn't know if we will be together at the end, or if we will never be together again. She just claims not to know. She also says she doesn't love me right now, but will always care deeply for me.....From reading on these forums, that part sounds like bullsh1t.

I just don't know how to handle it. I am not sure she would repsond well to the 180. My wife is not like most women, (Boy I bet that's never been said here, right?). She is extremely sensitive. She is very down to earth and frugal, even though we have a fairly successful business and money to do most of the things we wish. She has a very kind heart, but she holds anything negative to heart for a very long time. She still brings up an email I wrote her during a fight in 2007.

You need to give her space and let her figure out what she wants. Work on you and your 180's. Remember they are for you, not her. Arguing, hurting feelings, being insecure are things you need to improve on for yourself and future R's, with or without you W. Your W is more similar to others here then you think. She may or may not respond but you know what you've been doing in the past isn't working and she's given you that feedback. Time to try something new. You will be a better person if you make those changes.