LBS gearing up for the long haul

[25yearsmlc]

Brief contact today when W dropped of S16 whom she had taken to mall for birthday shopping trip.

She announced "Going to meet w/friend1 on Saturday morning" (Friend1 has known us since teenagers. She was moms best friend, has offered her a place to live) I said "Great, it's been a while, I thought maybe she was being pushy w/you."


Learn to keep these types of comments to yourself. For all you know, that friend has been YOUR BEST support...or HER best...there's simply NO GOOD that can come out of a comment like that.

I think this is a real problem for you. MAYBE you should Apply the new rules of behavior for you with your wife, to the world at large...it affects her view of you anyhow, not to mention it's just a nicer way of living AND being open to what others think BEFORE you tell them your opinion....


She asked why, I said because my Dad who is in FL asked if we were talking to anyone way back when this started. I told him yes, friend1. He said "that surprises me, she can be pushy" my W said not pushy at all and looking forward to talking to her.


I don't see how ANY of this^^ helps YOU...it makes it clear your dad knows the situation AND is commenting on it (NOT so great for your w''s shame, which can quickly convert into anger at YOU in a heartbeat...we OFTEN see WASs who feel guilt and tire of it and their rationalizations for leaving in the first place, begin to grow) AND

your wife has now had the concept that a pro-marriage friend MIGHT be manipulative and let's get real, your pro marriage friend has just been undermined.

That is Not a good thing.


I am glad about this because friend1 is adamantly pro M, pro R, loves us both like family, my wife doesn't find her pushy. I just want W to have someone like that to pour her heart too...hoping it will be healing for her.

Your friend1 is pro marriage ---which is the biggest reason YOU are glad about it. It means, to you, that you are more likely to get your way.

So, don''t you see anything remotely manipulative here?

I hope the rest of my comments sink in more. Stay off the topic of what friends say, either way.

Let your wife figure this dilemma out without you hovering over her shoulder pointing out the "Right" answer...it's her puzzle to solve.

The only way you can show her the way is to BE the way...fix you, not her. Okay?

I have this forum, and pastor. Seems she has no wise council yet.


aside from the mind reading here^^, again, why do you say she has no wise counsel? B/C she has not come home? Do you really feel ready for her to be in the same house with you?

Meaning, you believe the awakening you're having has sunk in thoroughly enough that your behavior will be altered even when she triggers you or when you have a bad day or don't feel well treated?

Consistent change like that, takes time AND consistently new different behaviors on YOUR end, and right now she's not even around you so you have not been tested a lot and you have had many backslides...

so it takes a lot of time to decide to change, to find a positive model to emulate and then to practice it...

If you don't know what loving healthy behaviors are IN TIMES OF CRISIS or CONFLICT, then you cannot know how to react in those moments...

it's important to know what NOT to do, but you also need to know what TO DO...and you need some positive roles around for that...

Meaning you have to know what the change looks like (you can't just say "DO NOT CRITICIZE" and assume you'll then know how to communicate a negative emotion in a healthier way).

You have to learn this stuff, and 3 months is not much time for you to truly become the h she deserves. You can SOMEDAY ask to be able to show her that you want to be that man, and to love her as she deserves, but it's awfully soon...

See, I worry that you will rush back too fast and there's NOTHING GOOD about that...Most of the reconcilations that don't work out here, are the ones that were rushed....

So, take your time moving towards this reconciliation by working on YOU and really letting this stuff CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR and your attitude....So it sinks into your head & your heart & shows in how you speak to AND about her

(esp to your kids)

you do NOT want to backslide after a recon, and then have her [b]truly convinced there's no other way but to divorce. Few enough of us get 2nd
chances... a 3rd chance is not likely.

So get more honest with yourself, and change in a core way. ONLY THEN will you really have a chance when you get to piecing, which is harder than you think...

My anniversary is in 8 days. Don't want to ignore. Don't want to make mistakes.

So you married on Pearl Harbor day?

Well on that day, this nation was wounded and had the he11 scared out of us, a war began that hurt and frightened us but eventually, ended up pulling us together in ways this country had not seen in a generation,

and which lead to a tremendous emotional and financial recovery....not too shabby of an outcome so we can hope your marriage fares as well (but with less torture and collateral damage).

well, what TYPES of activities can you plan to spend with her that would show thoughtfulness of HER needs/wants? What does SHE like to do? Not that "you also like" but just what SHE likes?

Don't get me wrong-I think It's great if you both Truly enjoy something, but make darn sure it's not something YOU love, which she's "okay with doing" mostly b/c YOU liked it...make sense?)

If it were me, and it's not--but hey, I'm just tossing out ideas,

(and since my LL is quality time & acts of service), I'd love my h to plan & implement an activity I enjoy and do it together.

(In my dream world, it'd be a trip. But at the moment that would be seen as extravagant in your situation, or so I think. Of course If you know someone with a beach house or time share or cabin in the woods or near a ski place, you could take a weekend and get away and not spend a fortune, but have some FUN time together and no kids around)

OR seeing a play or comedian is excellent to do after a new exotic or tasty dinner,

OR a day in a beautiful place where you can visit a winery or take a hike (does SHE like those?)

and take a well supplied picnic and bottle of wine ---**but if you do something that doesn't cost much at all,

I might insert at least an affordable but meaningful gift just so it doesn't come off to her or her people, as "the cheap anniversary", and she has "gotten something" b/c her family/friends WILL ask...

also, do NOT expect her to give you something in return. I think that bears repeating...do NOT expect her to give anything in return

and if she does give you a card, I'd think it'll be LESS than "I'm coming home & I love you" so be ready to just seem upbeat...

make sure you get her a card and put a heartfelt "thank you" in it for the kids she brought into the world w/you --and for the many great memories...do NOT speak of the future and this way the card won't make any demands of her.

You want her to feel appreciated by you, w/o expectation in return. You do NOT want her to feel pressure from you, b/c you are telling her that "no matter what she chooses to do, YOU are still glad you married her", etc.

Make sense? Other ideas....think hard....

What act of service could you do? Is her car broken or is there something that needs painting (I realize her being in the house would help here but she's not. So let's just brainstorm...)

Okay, let me tell you a gift my brother in law gave my sister one Christmas while she had been away...inside a small box was a small carpet sample and I was confused. But it meant he'd installed new carpet in their living room...pretty cool to ME...for ME that's a great gift....and it's a cool act of service.

ANYONE have other ideas for DM?? Again, no expectations on your end and make it clear you are not hurt or sulking or disappointed. IF you get to spend the anniversary with her, be happy about THAT...

Whatever it is, do it in her love language.