improvements w H but still no closeness. Now what?

[Accuray]

Bestgal,

I haven't read all of your background, just what you wrote above. I got into a mode with W where I was trying *anything* to make our marriage and situation better. I got very frustrated because like you I was getting no answers and nothing was working. I can share with you a couple things I learned:

Be careful looking for answers when things aren't going well. The answer you get may reflect how H feels "in the moment" but you will likely interpret the answer as "now and forever" and it could leave scars. That's why sometimes it's better to "just be" for now. I was reading today that 90+% of married family communication is non-verbal, so you probably know the answers anyway. What you're often trying to do with the questions is force commitment that isn't ready to happen.

Secondly, it was suggested to me that just the fact that I was "working on things" was setting me back. If you are trying to take your marriage forward, you are putting pressure on H to get with the plan, reciprocate, come up with his own plan, etc. This can cause them to retreat and resist. Often being still, or GAL is just the best plan. The way to work on your marriage is *not* to work on it, if you know what I mean. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on you, just don't overtly focus on improving your situation. Relax into you for a while and see what happens.

This takes time. H won't trust that you've relaxed for quite a while, and that transition period is very frustrating. Based on what you've written above, your back off strategy is already paying dividends, but that's making you anxious because you don't know where you stand. Continue to wait and watch. Positive action or pushing will set you back.

Accuray