Staying off the ride 3 - being authentic

[Tumbling]

Greetings Afa, Busting, Labug, RT, Tori and Wendylon.

SITCH UPDATE
I took a timeout from the board as I needed to cocoon my Self. I felt that something BIG was coming so I had to go to ground and discovered I am done. Please don't berate me.

I don't know how it happened but I am there now and there is no turning this ship around

Some things that occurred that may have done it:

- I came back from trip and bed in MB needed to be made and I couldn't be bothered so I slept in the spare room. Have stayed in there and made a lovely den.

- I have been GAL big time and realised life is fun without H in it. I am surrounded by people who love and appreciate me and say yes to my zany ideas. H never did - really he didn't.

- I asked H for some AV help by text and he didn't bother answering. I even told him he could come round on the w/e as I was away and fix it if he didnt want to see me. He didn't do anything nor ansa my text.

- H has admitted he is caving and doesn't know why but text that it seems to be when we get closer. Nothing changes. He can see the problem but doesn't realise he is the solution.

- I stood infront of a mirror in the empty washroom of the theatre on Saturday night and I said outloud: I look great, people like to hang around with me and phone me. I am an amazing person. The problem is with H, not me.

- I take my jewelry including wedding ring off every night. Have done so always. I chose not to put it back on Sunday morning and replaced it w another ring saying that I would treasure my Self from now on.

- I realised that carrying the burden of our marital breakdown was a choice. So I chose to put it down.

- The P.EA has helped me realise that I deserve better. I don't know how many times he has said to me in the last two years - Enough, Tumbling. It's not your fault - He respects me. I feel safe around him.

- This Tuesday evening I accepted -
That I am done,
That two years of doing what you can to save your marriage is sufficient - especially when WAS hasn't got his homework book out once,
That I did the best I could,
That you have to save your Self first,
That some things can't be fixed no matter how hard I try (hard lesson for someone who is used to achievement),
That I can't fix H,
That I only have one life,
That it's called a break-up cos it's broken.

I text H - Pls do not contact me. I don't want anymore of this. I've worked on my Self and our relationship for two years. I deserve better. I'll be in touch when I am ready to talk about moving forward. Take care of you.

Weds morning HE TEXT ME - he doesn't recognise my boundaries at all - you do deserve better, much better -

I haven't replied.

I have made my plans for Christmas and New Year.
I have an interview w that 150mile away job on 10 Dec - I'm going to investigate it - I don't want to have regrets in a few months time that I didn't go.

The scary part is knowing that, even if H turned around tomorrow and said he was going to an IC and he did want to fix it, I have shut the door. I am trying not to feel sad or bad about that. It just is.

I hope everyone is happy.
I will continue to post here and support you all.

Thank you for holding me up when my strength gave way.
I'm sure if it wasn't for everyone who posted on my threads I would be on the ride still.