heeeeelllllppp!!

[AnotherStander]

There that kind of thing is encouraged and promoted. A number of people on there told me how to do go about it and how it was a good idea.

I can't possibly see it being a good idea if your intent is to save your M. If you're trying to gather evidence for a court case then maybe, but most states are "no fault" divorce and if yours is then it won't even help you there.

I don't think it's invasive as it's not like I took them off her.

I imagine your W feels quite differently about it.

As for the DB book, I can't find my notes, I suspect my W found them and trashed them or hid them to be 1 step ahead.

If you're serious about saving your M, surely you can scrape together 10 bucks to buy your own copy.

I'm not sure what exactly 180 means...is that a page number?

Read DR again. It's the centerpost of DB'ing. Take stock of your mistakes, do the opposite of them (180's).

i'm sitting here trying to think of what I did wrong in the marriage and I think I was a good dude for her.

But what does your W think? What has she "nagged" you about over the years? What has she told you are her reasons for wanting out?

Also, I tended to be super critical of her - or at least she has been saying that earlier this year..then she stopped suddenly, so I figured that things were better.

When the WAS stops that sort of thing, it means they're done and planning their exit. Are you sure you read DR? It's in there. It's not the sort of thing you'd forget since it's your exact sitch.

Beauty is in the eye of the behold and I think I'm still good looking. I wear the extra 75lbs pretty good so I don't think that's an issue.

But what does SHE think? Is she calling you "fat" because you put on 75 pounds of rippling muscle? You've got to quit justifying everything to yourself, your W has serious concerns/ complaints and you need to acknowledge them and take action on them if you want to save your M.

However, I told her I made an appointment with a doctor to talk about it so hopefully she will see that I'm taking it seriously.

An appointment will convince her of nothing. What may convince her is months and months of consistent, changed behavior from you. Doing 180's (read DR). Sticking with them. Doing them over a long period of time until they eventually become permanent.

So a +. Secondly, part of the deal was that she 1000% promised that she wouldn't have sex with anyone else --- only date and only for friendship.

Like MrBond said, there's a 1000% chance that she will have sex with these "friends". Read the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Your W WANTS sex. She NEEDS sex. She will get it somewhere.

She said she is at the age where most women get and she doesn't like sex anymore. So why would she do something she hates?

MMSLP goes into this. When she tells you this, she means she doesn't like sex with YOU. Not that she doesn't like it at all.

Honestly, I can't be responsible with money one of her nagging points.

You see it as nagging, she sees it as her trying to communicate something to you. Take her seriously.

I don't mind sleeping in the office or the inlaw apartment really.

Try to avoid getting kicked out of the MBR, because even though you -think- it will make her mad if you stand your ground, it will probably make her respect you more. Don't be afraid to stand up to her.

Anotherstander -I cannot say that to her. if I gave her that speech I think she'd kick my butt then put me out of the house. it's complicated because the house we rent is owned by her dad- who has always disliked me.

OK, I understand your point. Still, they can't just boot you out. They'd have to go through formal eviction proceedings, and since the two of you are married I think her dad would have to evict both of you together. I'm not positive about that though, you'd need to check with a local lawyer.

I do want to fix my marriage, but I also want to teach them a lesson for having an affair in the first place. It's unfair that they get off scott free to do what they want and I suffer.

First, you don't even know if she had an affair. Second, if you seek revenge you WILL lose your marriage. There's a saying around here, you can be right or you can be happily married. Which is worth more to you?

I don't want to play games I just want to be honest and loving with her in the way she deserves.

Do you think spying on her computer activities and testing her panties is honest and loving behavior?

I want to expose the affair so badly because I feel it in my gut that it will snap her back to reality. I can't be wrong on this can I?

Yes indeed, again, you really need to read DR. If she is having an affair, if you keep pushing it she'll just go deeper into secrecy. And she will resent you for pushing her. If she's having an affair then you will find out sooner or later.

Whys is everyone telling me to read the book. I did read the book, twice and took notes.

Because your posts clearly demonstrate you don't have even a basic understanding of the principals. "What is a 180, a page number?" That's like telling someone you read Moby Dick and then looking perpexed when they ask you about Ahab.

I can't go out and by the book when I'm watching my kids!!!!!

Really? Are you in prison or something? Do you have a lunch break at work? Ever heard of Amazon.com?

We'd spend a lot of time at work and going to lunch. My co-worker saw me as only a friend. We'd talk about how bad our relationships were and we hugged a couple of times - no biggie. We were both intent on keeping our relationships together we we like the support from each other. She wasn't my type really. However, i did breakdown and write her a love poem and a letter.

Sure. Everyone writes poems and love letters to their friends. I just got one from one of my biker buddies. That's totally normal behavior.

I told my W I called the doctor to talk about the extra weight I have. I still need to actually call him.

That's not a 180, it's a lie.