I am a newbie here, but have been reading the great information on this site, and would like to share my story and get some suggestions and support.

Basic info:

Husband and I are both 35, both of our second marriages
We went to middle and high school together, knew each other but weren’t real close. So 12 years later, both of us are divorced and I find him on a social site and we start chatting. Instantly hit it off, move in together within 7 months, engaged after about 10 months and married the following year. Have been married for 4 years.
One 2 year old daughter (no children from 1st marriages)

H moved out November 3. He had threatened lots of times – see more about that below. (sorry this is so long!)

We have been having issues for nearly a year. The problems seemed to come to light when I began losing weight in July of 2011. I got to feeling much better about myself and craving his attention in a more sexual manner. This was met with much resistance and I was rejected A LOT. This went on for several months without much talk about why, but I was really hurt.

Some other background info that may be pertinent, we always joke about our roles being reversed, as far as he is more emotional etc, I would be more like the typical ‘man’ of the relationship. I also am in control of all finances, most general decisions, etc – not by choice, more by default. As far as being new parents, we always said we would go on dates a few times a month and make sure to keep our marriage priority. Then baby came along and much of that went out the window. I was kind of a basket case, probably a little post partum. He went about his band stuff etc which I really resented. Even if it wasn’t often, it seemed like it to me.

New Years Eve last year starts a new chapter of this madness. We have a sitter and go to a house party. Not long into the night I suddenly have the stomach flu and have to go home. He decides to go out anyway but instead of going back to the house party, decides to go to a bar. Through text messages that night, he finally tells me that he met up with a mutual friend of ours and her friend. The mutual friend was his friend first. And while she is a nice person, she is divorced and I’ve always thought she had feelings for my H. The next time he and I are out, I had a conversation with him basically saying that it really hurt my feelings that night and that I don’t think it is acceptable to text with single women all the time. (I had went thru the phone bill by this time) He of course said I was over reacting and being silly. Continues to text a lot with this girl, she is at every show he plays, always hanging right with him. And maybe I read too much into this one, but I also feel he was sharing emotional feelings with her, if nothing else, that he should be discussing with his wife.

So now I’m getting rejected constantly, watching his phone bills and seeing him text with this girl and a few others, and we begin to argue about it a lot. He says he can be friends with whomever he wants and says I act like a baby, pouting all the time because I get rejected. And that he went so long without affection, etc that he doesn’t need it anymore. That I had been awful to him since we got married. In between all of this, he would threaten to just leave any time I questioned who he was talking with etc., it happened a lot.

Throw in a few other bits of need info, besides playing in a band (practice etc) he also rides a dirt bike and this summer also bought an old hotrod to work on. I was really angry about buying a car that we couldn’t afford, he eventually did it anyway, getting his own loan and having it taken directly from his check every week. Nice. He doesn’t feel like he works on his hobbies that much, I see it differently. So he says I call him selfish, which I kind of do. (this week he is playing 3 nights, and has practice one night and all day on a weekend – uh, that doesn’t leave much time for your daughter. A couple hours a few mornings and Saturday. But maybe I think about this differently)

So this summer I suggested counseling and shockingly he agrees to go. Went several times together and seemed to be making headway. Then went on our own once and he cancelled his second appt – said the counselor couldn’t fix his ‘heart’ I’m going to counselor tomorrow for myself.

August comes and I find messages between him and a girl – very sexual and a planned meeting that he says didn’t happen. He feels embarrassed but never said sorry. His answer to this was to put a lock on his phone, because it’s none of my business. He has deleted most texts besides ones with guy friends this whole time anyway.

He then begins texting with a girl that says is like ‘his sister’. She’s single. 40-50 messages a day. When I ask him about it he says her daughter is having problems and she talks with him. Uh, find a counselor, not my husband.

So he finally blows up the night I was in a wedding – we all wanted to go out afterwards but he doesn’t. He moves to his parents – because he’s tired of being called the selfish a$$. What’s funny is that while some of our arguments are about selfishness and priorities, most are really about him texting other women. But he should be allowed to have friends of opposite sex. True – if you make sure to talk to your wife as well. When we have discussions about any of these issues, he always threatened to leave, tells me I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut, that he isn’t going to put up with my crap anymore. In my eyes, as his wife, I should have the right to question why he is talking with someone so much.

So I began doing LOTS of reading – working on myself. Came to the conclusion of a MLC because he says our marriage was never good, that I ignored him since we got married (even to the point that he says he made up things he wrote in cards to me. Who would do that?!) And also this car ordeal – and wanting to do his hair different, look like someone different. As well as other things that I’m sure you can pull out of what I wrote.

So I have been reading Divorce Busters and am trying to act ‘as if’, work on myself, make myself and my daughter busy and happy, try new things (which he has noticed) and NOT look at his phone records. I’m having trouble setting boundaries. And sticking with not looking at the text messages. (the week he left he began texting constantly with a 25 yo that I have never heard of in my life, I tried not looking again but broke down Saturday night, still texting the ‘sister’ and the 25 yo. Sunday I made the mistake of having a ‘talk’ – while he was very nice about it he still says he’s ‘on the fence’ and doesn’t love me. I told him that was not what he had been showing and he said he was sorry to lead me on (see below). So now he has kind of pulled back in affection.

Since he has been gone he has been MUCH more attentive to me, things have been much more passionate, even flirting, etc. He comes several mornings a week to take D to daycare and spends several evenings here with us. Even helped me paint all day!

I’m hoping to get some good advice but mostly I need support – people that don’t know him and already have opinions of what is going on because it’s my side of story, Plus, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for them to know so much anyway. I have faith that we can make it thru this and be stronger and happier – but this is a crazy emotional ride!!

So what advice would you give me? Do you agree he is MLC? I don’t want to pull away too much – he is one that requires much attention, don’t want to force him to get it elsewhere. But I also can’t be walked over and let him think I’ll always be here waiting. I have told him we have plans when we do and that we won’t be sitting around waiting for him to come visit, which he understood.