Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

Denver, first I'd like to say thanks for jumping in my thread. I've read so many of your posts here and really appreciate your thoughts on my sitch!

Why are you afraid of confronting your W about OM?

This is a great question.

I think I'm afraid to bring it up with the limited proof. She acts suspicious: cell phone behavior, web history shows and interest in Facebook privacy settings, a few long calls to possible OM. (One call was immediately after dropping the bomb and leaving the house!) I did find a picture in her email, but it was discovered via snooping. I don't want to destroy her trust.

She works with OM, so there aren't very many calls on her cell phone. They both have iPhones which use the iMessage app, thus avoiding text messaging showing on the phone bill.

I'm also afraid that it would rock the boat too much. Right now she's still open to spending time and talking with me. I'm afraid of losing that too.

All of those are good reasons IMO, except for the rocking the boat. I don't see any reason not to confront a spouse who is cheating just to avoid rocking the boat.

As for the others, well, I get it. And it is probably best. Like I said before, I would continue to snoop on a limited basis. In other words, don't get consumed by it.

One idea might be to sit down with your W and talk to her about your concerns in a very general fashion.

You're probably right. I shouldn't be afraid to rock the boat. But at this point all I can say is, "W, are you seeing someone else? Your behaviors have been suspicious." I don't have any concrete evidence.

I'll continue to monitor the cell log for long phone calls. I'm kind of expecting to see more since she's quitting her job tomorrow. She'll need a new way to stay in contact with OM.

How often are you going to Happy Hours?

And if HH is not your thing, go out and do something with friends, on your own. She doesn't have to know what it is. Maybe you could set up a schedule, W you go out Tues and I go on Th.

You're sounding a little like the long-suffering husband sitting home with the baby. Change that up, go out, have a good time, stay out past 10:30. I know you said you always went to bed at a certain time and maybe that's what's driving her crazy-maybe she feels like you've turned into an old married couple. You two are just entering the prime of your lives, don't waste it.

YES ^^^

No offense, but your M sounds like it lacks excitement and has for a while. I have been there, so I get it. This very well could be the root cause of what your W is going through, her confusion.

I highly suggest that you start jazzing things up. Begin with YOU, by doing some GAL. I've read about 6 pages of your thread, and the most GAL that I've read about you doing is taking up reading again and going to get a massage... and the place was closed! What do you like to do that you haven't done in a while? What have you never done that you have always wanted to do? Loosen your tie a little and have some fun. Your W will notice. She will become curious. And then, when the time is right, you can ask her to join you... to have a little fun WITH you.

Bug is right, with your W or without her, life is too short to live on such a short leash.

You're right. I haven't pushed GAL activities. When W is willing to spend time with me, I feel like I have to be around her, even if it's just watching TV together. Could this be seen as a negative?

I think so, yes. And I TOTALLY get this. I did the exact same thing for a very long time. In hindsight, it was partly because I knew that if W was with me, she wasn't with OM. And until June of this year, I never fully believed my W when she would tell me that she wasn't having contact with him. Also in hindsight though, I don't think that this was a very good reason to neglect GALing.

The other part of why I did this, is because I had been a pretty awful H before, so I had a lot to show my W in terms of my changes. I'm not sure that you have that same problem.

So yeah, I do think that it can be a negative and as you say below, it may be playing right into her expectations of you.

Maybe if W is bored, I'm playing right into her expectations... we once again just sit on the couch and watch TV like we always did. Maybe I need to let go of this "non-quality time" and just leave the house sometimes. She can watch TV on her own?

That's what I would advise. And for goodness sakes, stay out past 10:30!

Denver, I think you hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize it until you said it... If W is with me, I know she isn't calling, texting, etc. with OM. So I'd rather sit at home watching TV with her than go out. I don't know what I hope to gain by this. It's not a big deal if she can't communicate with him for the few hours she's with me. She spends the majority of the day NOT around me and there's plenty of time for her to do what she wants. Those few hours aren't going to make or break anything.

I wish I could stay out past 10:30. But I never know when S is going to have a rough night and wake up at 4AM. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that has to get at least 7 hours of sleep. If I don't then next day is HORRIBLE. I become immediately depressed, anxious, and short with people. In my youth I spent years battling depression. I eventually learned that getting a good amount of sleep is a requirement for my own well being.