Stand up, poor and tired, but STILL more than this

[LIO]

Journaling - a bit all over the place and verbose. As always!

I am in a alternate universe.
Somehow H and I are going on Christmas vacation with S to visit H's parents. Together.

I am glad to say: I did not push it, arrange it, ask for it, or plan it. I had nothing to do with it. H and his parents did.
I am going to go so I can be in the sun, be relaxed, calm and have a nice time in nice weather. I am watching it unfold as it comes.

I do admit that I have a thought of: 'how interesting we are going together to visit his entire extended family. Back into the very place where we both have such good memories of each other. Where we met, where we always get along so good. But also the same place that I left 9 months ago alone - imagining we would go back together and have more good memories, only to arrive home to a WAS'.

But no expectations. I promise myself that.

After the counseling, I backed off entirely.
I did it for him so he could have room to process his feelings/thoughts without mine interjecting all the time. But I did it mainly to get a sense of sanity for myself.

In my time away so far:
I reviewed my actions in the last 8 months. I read books about communication between pointers and painters. How each processes and deals with conflict differently.

I vowed to be open, trusting, and loving. Real 'love' not controlled love only if you do what I want.
I figured out that he sees through his own filters, like I do. His feelings really have nothing to do with 'me'. I saw that my actions are louder than my words, and I had been practicing my words more than I had been changing my poor actions.

I found out that I am always trying to be 'right'. I'd rather be happy. Being 'right' adds stress to my life.

I am now focusing ENTIRELY on making my life something I will be proud of. If that involves him in the role of 'husband', then good. If not, good. Really.


Regardless, I am evaluating my life and going to be open to what comes in my direction without fighting, without yanking on that rope. I encourage him and anyone to do the same.

I have dropped the rope. I finally figured out what that truly meant and DID it. (Actions are more than words!)

If I speak to him, it's always about some benign thing. If he wants to talk about the R, he needs to initiate the conversation.

I am taking action by doing 'nothing' - which is still something.

I am taking care of what I need to take care of here regarding the house. I don't involve him. He doesn't care, and I don't care to worry about it.

I step out of his and S's relationship. S has been very vocal about wanting H at home. H hears him. H confided to me that 'I (LIO) don't think that he thinks about it every night'. I replied: "I don't doubt it, I just don't understand it is all." And I don't understand it. I'm not in that position. But I'm not going to be looking for the 'whys' anymore.

I'm adjusting my attitude overall.
I am accomplishing my finance goals! Just paid off my last credit card yesterday! One of our old scripts was 'how much do we owe on that...' Now that conversation can be dead.

I'm still training at the gym. Still working on the final 20 pounds, which apparently requires me to eat more food... GO figure.


He shared that his hours at work have been getting cut back. I see why he is so desperate to get some other job potential lined up. I see why he is stressed more. I see that I can add to it. I also see that I alone am in control of my own emotions and if I allow myself to be stressed by perceived slights or imagined situations.

My stress contributes a lot of stress on my relationships with not just H, but my S, and even my work.

It's going on 10 months. Every day I used to wonder if I could hang on longer, and for how long, and how long other people's reconciliations took. I haven't thought about it lately in terms of 'time'. I think it will happen when it's supposed to. Or like it's supposed to, it won't happen. Either way.

I don't know if that means I'm quitting. I know that I'm quitting the 'fight'. I'm not fighting for my marriage. He means a lot to me, and I will care for him to death if he lets me. But I'm not going to force that on him. He can choose. But in any case, I choose me that is loving, not controlling.