heeeeelllllppp!!

[MrBond]

Sigh. Where to begin?

First off, many of those marriage sites figure that the best way to end an A is to expose and publicly shame the couple. So I ask you, how many of those people on that site actually saved their marriages after exposing it that way?

"I went MIA. I was going to post butt my wife put a new code on the computer so i wouldn't snoop on her anymore. so I had to do a work about."

What? So you're still snooping?

"I first came here in 2010 after I nearly had an affair with a co-worker. my w found out and said that she wanted out, out out.

So why did you have the A? There's no such thing as "nearly" had an A. You obviously were emotionally attached to your co-worker so it's an emotional affair. Period. Don't sugar coat it. To a woman, that's worse than actually having sex. That's why your W doesn't and continues to not trust you.

"So I threw both books away in front of my wife. After that we kinda swept things under the rug."

Yep that always helps.

"First of all. on the whole panty test thing. I got the idea and advice from another marriage forum. They have a section called Investigative techniques or something. There that kind of thing is encouraged and promoted. A number of people on there told me how to do go about it and how it was a good idea."

It doesn't matter what was "suggested". You were the one who actually did it.

"It was a home kit and I didn't send it to anyone else. I figure it was 1000% legal because she is my wife and they were just in the hamper."

Uh, no. It's invasion of privacy and could have landed you in jail on a sexual abuse charge.

"I don't think it's invasive as it's not like I took them off her. plus I had other people tell me it was okay to do and I could use it in court if I needed to."

So I assume you talked to your L about this since it's all legal and everything. Get real.

"But I only did it once. so no harm."

Yes, she was very happy about it I'm sure.

"I still have part of the kit left if I need to and I will be very careful in the future."

Seriously? You might as well kiss your kids goodbye because you will be slapped with that sexual abuse charge.

"I'll probably ask her about it tonight."

Don't do it. Be a man and get another copy. Then read and absorb the information.

"I'm not sure what exactly 180 means...is that a page number?"

It means to change your attitude 180 degrees and not do the things that got you here in the first place. Which you don't seem to be doing at all.

"i'm sitting here trying to think of what I did wrong in the marriage and I think I was a good dude for her."

That's a very selfish attitude. And in the end it wasn't what YOU thought. It's what SHE thinks.

"Well, I did have the almost affair, but I've learned my lesson and I told her as much in a letter I wrote for her shortly after she discovered."

Let's face it, you didn't learn anything. You were just scared because you were caught. You weren't man enough to tell her the truth to begin with. There's a difference between regret and remorse. Remorse means that you were truly sorry and did everything you could for her. Regret means that you were just sorry you were caught. You, my friend, had regret.

"Also, I tended to be super critical of her - or at least she has been saying that earlier this year..then she stopped suddenly, so I figured that things were better."

And obviously you weren't listening and blew her off. When a woman goes quiet after complaining, that's when she's planning her exit.

"Beauty is in the eye of the behold and I think I'm still good looking. I wear the extra 75lbs pretty good so I don't think that's an issue."

Then I hope you are going to be happy having sex with yourself. Let's face it, she was pretty specific. 75 lbs. is 75lbs. If you don't want to lose the weight, that's up to you. Just don't be surprised when you lose your M.

"I used to sometimes say this to her during bad fights, but I always, always apologized and I wanted to be inmate with her so that showed her that I was really attracted t over."

Whoa boy, what to say. You called her ugly and then tried to have sex with her. That's not how it works. To a guy maybe but a woman needs to FEEL. She needs to know that she trusts you. And in the end you got your physical need taken care of while she was still left with you calling her "ugly" ringing in her ear and her heart.

"lastly on her deal, I need to be a little more clear. I thought it was a good sign because she didn't say she wanted a divorce. I mean that's what we are trying to avoid on here right?"

Did you actually READ the post you left? That's not a M. It's not something that you would be proud to tell your kids. That your W goes out with other men and you're cool with that because she's not divorcing you.

"Secondly, part of the deal was that she 1000% promised that she wouldn't have sex with anyone else --- only date and only for friendship. She said she is at the age where most women get and she doesn't like sex anymore. So why would she do something she hates?"

Dude, she hates having sex with YOU. Once she gets someone who is her friend (a role you should have been doing all along), she will develop feelings for him and she WILL have sex with him. She will no longer need you for anything.

"Also I did not give her an answer yet. I'm hoping she will just forget about that conversation."

She won't. Trust me. You're STILL sweeping things under the rug. And I can see that it's YOU who is doing it. Not her. She wants to solve things. You don't.

"I do want to fix my marriage, but I also want to teach them a lesson for having an affair in the first place. It's unfair that they get off scott free to do what they want and I suffer."

This is your biggest problem. You don't think that you did anything wrong to cause this. It's pretty obvious you contributed a bit. Plus, who are you to "punish" her for YOUR hurt? YOu didn't care about her when you were having your fling.

Get your own sh*t together, read about what makes a good M and not just about dealing with an A. That's the problem with the other sites. All they do is center on the A when it was broken M that caused it. Fix the reasons the M broke, and then hopefully she'll choose you as the better option. First things first. Lose the extra weight. You can't hide 75 pounds by just wearing black.