heeeeelllllppp!!

[Dm45]

My wife is 44

She said she is at the age where most women get and she doesn't like sex anymore.

I don't believe that. (the MOST part) Maybe some of the women here will chime in on that.

I'm not sure what exactly 180 means

Go buy the DR book, NOW. The people here will help you, but you've GOT to get the book.

Also get 4 hour body by Tim Ferris. You don't even need to read the whole thing, just the chapter on fat loss. If you gained 75lbs in your late 30s it is NOT muscle. The rest of the chapters are also very good but start there you'll see quickest results. Part of my business deals with fitness, and his stuff works, in very little time, and it's not difficult. If body image is really part of your/her problem, you can make visible changes relatively quickly. Don't leave it out where the kiddies can find it because there is a chapter on sex, with diagrams. Hopefully you'll get to the point where that's helpful, too.

[littleGTO]

OMG, Many Worries,

I agree w AS & think you have A LOT to learn about DBing! I'm sorry but I LOLed for the first time in MONTHS about AS's comments to you...not at your expense, mind you. So truly, thanks for that.

The fact that your W called you fat & ugly should be concerning to you...and NOBODY wears 75 lbs well-sorry. Start there.

A 180 is something OPPOSITE you would normally do that is maybe something your W commented that she doesn't like or has complained about in the past--are you helpful around the house, with the kids, do you give her compliments unprompted, do you shower her w NON-SEXUAL physical attention, etc. These are the questions to need to ask yourself and decide what you want to change about YOURSELF to make YOU "a man only a fool would leave!"

Luckily this journey is a marathon, so you've got lots of time to learn and apply!

[Many worries]

I'd love to get a few books, but I can't just yet. I'll check at the library for now

I admit I have a long way to go on my journey But some of the 75lbs is muscle.

My anxiety is thru the roof right now. I'm waiting for my wife to come home to ask her about my DB notes. I need them in the worst way. I can't get out tonight b/c I'm home with the kids so I'm stuck here thinking, thinking.

[KLB]

Based on the title of your post you are aware that things are out of control with you and your marriage.

I think the first thing you need to do is honestly decide if keeping your wife is what you are actually wanting. It may sound harsh, but everything you have been doing has not been about keeping your wife. Everything you've been doing has been about you trying to prove yourself right and prove your fears to be true.

Right now, your wife is pulling away from you, and each action you've taken has essentially been you taking a stick and beating her and telling she is wrong and bad.

So, if you want to save your marriage, stop doing that! You've got to get control of yourself. Stop reacting to your fears and feelings. I know that is hard to do, but if you don't stop, your marriage over.

Now, get the book and read it and then read it again. And then read it again!
Until you do that, stop doing everything and anything.

Your wife wants a secure and steady man. Right now, you are neither of those things. You are scared and off balance and flailing around being controlled by your worst emotions. Believe me, I understand why, but you have become the very thing your wife doesn't want. So stop. Don't make a move. Become still.

Say this to your wife next time you see her. "You know, I need some time to think things through." And then shut up and walk away and start thinking about how you can get control of yourself. Just doing that is going to surprise your wife. This is the 180 you need right now.

You're going to be tempted to do stupid things, like ask questions, tell her how you're feeling, what you want, etc. We all are. But don't do them. Talk as little as possible. Interact with your wife as little as possible. Don't be a d*ck or rude or act all hurt. Just be calm and polite when you see your wife. Inside you're going to be going crazy and scared and angry, but on the outside you need to act as relaxed as possible. As pleasant as possible.

You need to do this until you get the book and read it at least three times.

Do not talk to her about Divorce Busting. If you have, don't mention it again. She is already on guard and suspicious, and telling her you're going to be using DB will make her more suspicious and make your work way harder.

Now is the time for you to be like Bond. Not cheesy Bond, but Daniel Craig Bond. You need to be cool, collected and not emotional.

AND GET THE BOOK!

[KLB]

And don't even go near your friend. Stay away from him. By attacking him in any way - by embarassing him or trying to make him feel bad - you will be attacking your wife.

Believe me, if they are having an affair, they aren't getting off "scott free."

If she has cheated and you still want to be with her, that is something you need to deal with later. Trying to deal with it in anyway right now, is just you beating her with a stick again.

Stop thinking about it. I've done it and you can too.

[KLB]

And one more word of advice.
Trust what people on these boards are telling you. You are in the middle of a storm and you can't see your situation clearly. Outside, unbiased perspective is what you need and would be wise to trust.

Sometimes what you read here can seem hurtful or mean. It isn't. It is just people with more clarity than you. And the truth hurts sometimes.

And don't go to that other website that told you how to spy on your wife. You need to get real and get honest - first, with yourself, second with your wife.
Your goal is to build and regain her trust. Pantie tests don't build trust. If you've done anything else like that, DO NOT tell your wife.

And keep your kids out of it. They don't need to know about your or your wife's actions. Neither of you are being model citizens in the relationship, and tell your kids stuff about your wife just creates an ugly battlefield right across your kids hearts. Again, shut up and be cool.

[MrBond]

Sigh. Where to begin?

First off, many of those marriage sites figure that the best way to end an A is to expose and publicly shame the couple. So I ask you, how many of those people on that site actually saved their marriages after exposing it that way?

"I went MIA. I was going to post butt my wife put a new code on the computer so i wouldn't snoop on her anymore. so I had to do a work about."

What? So you're still snooping?

"I first came here in 2010 after I nearly had an affair with a co-worker. my w found out and said that she wanted out, out out.

So why did you have the A? There's no such thing as "nearly" had an A. You obviously were emotionally attached to your co-worker so it's an emotional affair. Period. Don't sugar coat it. To a woman, that's worse than actually having sex. That's why your W doesn't and continues to not trust you.

"So I threw both books away in front of my wife. After that we kinda swept things under the rug."

Yep that always helps.

"First of all. on the whole panty test thing. I got the idea and advice from another marriage forum. They have a section called Investigative techniques or something. There that kind of thing is encouraged and promoted. A number of people on there told me how to do go about it and how it was a good idea."

It doesn't matter what was "suggested". You were the one who actually did it.

"It was a home kit and I didn't send it to anyone else. I figure it was 1000% legal because she is my wife and they were just in the hamper."

Uh, no. It's invasion of privacy and could have landed you in jail on a sexual abuse charge.

"I don't think it's invasive as it's not like I took them off her. plus I had other people tell me it was okay to do and I could use it in court if I needed to."

So I assume you talked to your L about this since it's all legal and everything. Get real.

"But I only did it once. so no harm."

Yes, she was very happy about it I'm sure.

"I still have part of the kit left if I need to and I will be very careful in the future."

Seriously? You might as well kiss your kids goodbye because you will be slapped with that sexual abuse charge.

"I'll probably ask her about it tonight."

Don't do it. Be a man and get another copy. Then read and absorb the information.

"I'm not sure what exactly 180 means...is that a page number?"

It means to change your attitude 180 degrees and not do the things that got you here in the first place. Which you don't seem to be doing at all.

"i'm sitting here trying to think of what I did wrong in the marriage and I think I was a good dude for her."

That's a very selfish attitude. And in the end it wasn't what YOU thought. It's what SHE thinks.

"Well, I did have the almost affair, but I've learned my lesson and I told her as much in a letter I wrote for her shortly after she discovered."

Let's face it, you didn't learn anything. You were just scared because you were caught. You weren't man enough to tell her the truth to begin with. There's a difference between regret and remorse. Remorse means that you were truly sorry and did everything you could for her. Regret means that you were just sorry you were caught. You, my friend, had regret.

"Also, I tended to be super critical of her - or at least she has been saying that earlier this year..then she stopped suddenly, so I figured that things were better."

And obviously you weren't listening and blew her off. When a woman goes quiet after complaining, that's when she's planning her exit.

"Beauty is in the eye of the behold and I think I'm still good looking. I wear the extra 75lbs pretty good so I don't think that's an issue."

Then I hope you are going to be happy having sex with yourself. Let's face it, she was pretty specific. 75 lbs. is 75lbs. If you don't want to lose the weight, that's up to you. Just don't be surprised when you lose your M.

"I used to sometimes say this to her during bad fights, but I always, always apologized and I wanted to be inmate with her so that showed her that I was really attracted t over."

Whoa boy, what to say. You called her ugly and then tried to have sex with her. That's not how it works. To a guy maybe but a woman needs to FEEL. She needs to know that she trusts you. And in the end you got your physical need taken care of while she was still left with you calling her "ugly" ringing in her ear and her heart.

"lastly on her deal, I need to be a little more clear. I thought it was a good sign because she didn't say she wanted a divorce. I mean that's what we are trying to avoid on here right?"

Did you actually READ the post you left? That's not a M. It's not something that you would be proud to tell your kids. That your W goes out with other men and you're cool with that because she's not divorcing you.

"Secondly, part of the deal was that she 1000% promised that she wouldn't have sex with anyone else --- only date and only for friendship. She said she is at the age where most women get and she doesn't like sex anymore. So why would she do something she hates?"

Dude, she hates having sex with YOU. Once she gets someone who is her friend (a role you should have been doing all along), she will develop feelings for him and she WILL have sex with him. She will no longer need you for anything.

"Also I did not give her an answer yet. I'm hoping she will just forget about that conversation."

She won't. Trust me. You're STILL sweeping things under the rug. And I can see that it's YOU who is doing it. Not her. She wants to solve things. You don't.

"I do want to fix my marriage, but I also want to teach them a lesson for having an affair in the first place. It's unfair that they get off scott free to do what they want and I suffer."

This is your biggest problem. You don't think that you did anything wrong to cause this. It's pretty obvious you contributed a bit. Plus, who are you to "punish" her for YOUR hurt? YOu didn't care about her when you were having your fling.

Get your own sh*t together, read about what makes a good M and not just about dealing with an A. That's the problem with the other sites. All they do is center on the A when it was broken M that caused it. Fix the reasons the M broke, and then hopefully she'll choose you as the better option. First things first. Lose the extra weight. You can't hide 75 pounds by just wearing black.

[labug]

Many Worries, you have an interesting collection of past posts.

They show some a very different persona from this seemingly out of control, full of fear, cheated on spouse who got info "on another marriage board". You gave lots of advice to those dealing with affairs.

I found no posts about your almost affair. Were you posting under another account at the time?

Did you post about your recent problems on the other marriage board?

Did they give you good advice?

[Many worries]

I am 1000% intent on keeping my marriage intact. I don't want to play games I just want to be honest and loving with her in the way she deserves.

I think you are wrong Mister bond about the test thing. I did some research before I did it and accord to an article on Huffingtonpost, it is totally legal to do and I can use the evidence in court. I am not a dummy. I would never do anything illegal here so lets calm down on that a bit.
but your point is taken and i threw away the rest of the kit last night I hope my wife doesn't go through the garbage and find it. That would be bad.

I want to expose the affair so badly because I feel it in my gut that it will snap her back to reality. I can't be wrong on this can I? I'm starting to question myself.

Whys is everyone telling me to read the book. I did read the book, twice and took notes. I am in the process of getting the notes back from my wife as I think she had them and is using them against me. I can't go out and by the book when I'm watching my kids!!!!! I also read about 6 other books so I get confused on who said what. It seems that there are so many different ideas out there.

i never posted about my almost affair because it wasn't an affair. I didn't do anything physical, I just had a crush on my co-worker. We'd spend a lot of time at work and going to lunch. My co-worker saw me as only a friend. We'd talk about how bad our relationships were and we hugged a couple of times - no biggie. We were both intent on keeping our relationships together we we like the support from each other. She wasn't my type really. However, i did breakdown and write her a love poem and a letter. I just had to get it out of my system. I had no intent on sending it to her ever. But my wife found it and then it went to pot.

My wife thinks I'm still snooping and that is why shoe put a new code on the computer. She says that I haven't earned her trust yet, but I figured work around. I messed up and looked at her email last night. No evidence...yet.

I decided to hold of on talking to to the OM for now. but I've known him longer than my wife so I will have to do something.


my 180s - I've stop being super critical of her and i always say please and thank you to her even when she's being a major B. I did a handful of sit-ups last night...on my way. I told my W I called the doctor to talk about the extra weight I have. I still need to actually call him. The problem is that she always used to like me being a little chunky. she said it made her feel safe. I can't lose the weight overnight.
I haven't called her any names in about a month.
I didn't say anything negative about my paycheck and just handed it to her. I'm still waiting for my spending $$ today.
i told her I would move to the inlay apt without a fuss. Normally, I'd get really mad. so that's a +.

Last night she came home and I wanted to ask her about the DB notebook I had. I was pretty mad that she took it, but I kept it together.

She went to change in the bedroom and I immediately followed her to the bedroom. She closed the door, but I counted to 10 and opened it and said I wanted to talk about us. She was in the middle of changing out of her work clothes. First she was mad I barge in, then she told me we could talk later, but she wanted a few minutes to decompress. I pressed the issue. I mean according to everyone here I needed to get those notes to start working on DB. I asked her about the notebook. She claimed she didn't know. right.

Then she looked down and looked sad. I sat on the bed next to her. I told her I love her, I was sorry about us, I would do better in every way and be more like the OM if that's what she wanted. I told here I was reading some marriage books to be a better husband. I then asked if we could be intimate that night. She didn't say no. So I hung around the bedroom and she just sat there. Finally, I left to go get the kfc for dinner. I took the kids with me to give her a brake.

She feel asleep after putting the kids to bed. When I went to bed, I went to wake her to be intimate like she promised. I shook her a couple times. But she was pretty tired so I dropped it. that's another 180 too.

[MrBond]

"I am 1000% intent on keeping my marriage intact. I don't want to play games I just want to be honest and loving with her in the way she deserves.

"I think you are wrong Mister bond about the test thing. I did some research before I did it and accord to an article on Huffingtonpost, it is totally legal to do and I can use the evidence in court. I am not a dummy. I would never do anything illegal here so lets calm down on that a bit."

Really? What does your LAWYER say about it?

"I want to expose the affair so badly because I feel it in my gut that it will snap her back to reality. I can't be wrong on this can I? I'm starting to question myself."

You don't understand. What "reality" do you want her to come back to? See if you don't create a 'reality' that she will want to come back to, she won't. And that comes from changing your behaviors.

"Whys is everyone telling me to read the book. I did read the book, twice and took notes."

Because everything you've done goes against basic DB and common sense principles. It's one thing to just read DB. It's another to UNDERSTAND DB.

"I can't go out and by the book when I'm watching my kids!!!!!"

Do you watch your kids 24/7? Can't you take your kids with you to the bookstore? I've got 2 young kids of my own and that hasn't stopped me from reading it.

"I also read about 6 other books so I get confused on who said what. It seems that there are so many different ideas out there."

Then stick to one.

"i never posted about my almost affair because it wasn't an affair."

Here's another thing you don't understand. IT WAS. It doesn't matter if you didn't do anything physical. You had an emotional affair and wanted to do something. AGAIN, to a woman, an emotional affair is far worse than a physical one. YOU broke her trust with you. It's not as easy as just dismissing it.

"My wife thinks I'm still snooping and that is why shoe put a new code on the computer."

So you're still snooping right? Get real. You had the affair first. You wrote a love poem, etc. How does that look to your W? Even though you say that you weren't going to "do" anything, how does she know? What if you found a love poem she wrote to a guy? What would you think.

In fact, you just agreed to her talking to other guys for companionship. So you have no right to be snooping because you agreed to it.

"I decided to hold of on talking to to the OM for now. but I've known him longer than my wife so I will have to do something."

Have some class. You want her to come back to you? Again, you haven't changed anything about you that she didn't like or had an issue with. The biggest issue with her was trust. And here you are snooping around. Do you really think she wants to get back together with you now when you're still the same person she didn't like before?

That's why you have to READ DB. Not just skip around to the affair part. Seems like you missed the whole part about change.

"my 180s - I've stop being super critical of her and i always say please and thank you to her even when she's being a major B."

You see what a lousy attitude you have about her? Why would she stay with someone who thought she was a B? That's why she thinks you're an a$$.

"The problem is that she always used to like me being a little chunky. she said it made her feel safe. I can't lose the weight overnight."

Then you start now.

"I haven't called her any names in about a month."

Really? I have NEVER called my wife names in the 15 years we've been together. One whole month isn't going to cut it. Especially if you say she's a B.

"She went to change in the bedroom and I immediately followed her to the bedroom. She closed the door, but I counted to 10 and opened it and said I wanted to talk about us."

Leave her alone and give her space. That's the NUMBER 1 rule of DB. That's why everyone is telling you to re-read the book. And another thing, DO NOT tell her you're reading it. You do it for yourself and improve yourself.

"She was in the middle of changing out of her work clothes. First she was mad I barge in, then she told me we could talk later, but she wanted a few minutes to decompress. I pressed the issue."

See you acted like an a$$ even though she nicely told you that she needed some time to decompress.

"I mean according to everyone here I needed to get those notes to start working on DB."

NOBODY said to get those notes. Don't blame anyone here for your bad actions. Just re-read the book.

"I asked her about the notebook. She claimed she didn't know. right."

Lose the attitude. I don't know if you can actually see how badly you treat her. Again, why would she want to go back to you now?

"I then asked if we could be intimate that night. She didn't say no."

Seriously? You act badly towards her and then you ask her for sex? Did you not READ what I wrote about women and how they need to feel emotionally connected to you?

"So I hung around the bedroom and she just sat there."

Leave her alone.

"She feel asleep after putting the kids to bed. When I went to bed, I went to wake her to be intimate like she promised."

She didn't promise you. Just because she didn't say 'No' doesn't mean you get a free pass. Would you want to have sex with someone you're mad at? I take that back, I think you would.

"I shook her a couple times. But she was pretty tired so I dropped it. that's another 180 too."

She was tired. You shouldn't have bothered her in the first place and tried to be more understanding rather than trying to get your own rocks off.

All of these comments are the hard truths which you aren't grasping. Start LISTENING.