MLC, affair, internet pictures, we're a mess

[cantslowdown]

So we actually had a calm discussion tonight. After MC where I told her if she wanted to leave she should leave and she said she had no where to go and I said she could go to the spare room. Well she went to the spare room. Slept there two nights so far and said it was unfair and that I should sleep there. I told her that she is the one who wants to go. If she actually wants to communciate I have no problem with her in our room, but I'm not planning on going anywhere so I'm staying put. She has also opted to stay down there.

I'm not even sure I'm relating all this clearly here.

I am a poor communicator. Apparently when I was shouting down everyone in MC, I was so "cut and dry" with my facts that they made her sound like a horrible mother and a horrible wife. Part of our discussion that I initiated tonight was an apology for acting like that. I said I was bad at communicating and when I was all up in arms I was even worse as I couldn't form into words all the rapid fire thoughts I was having. I told her I was hurt and angry and that I know she is, too, but that I can accept that I was wrong in yelling (talking loudly, shuoting, all in perspective). Its a poor communication tactic.

She said that there were things she heard for the first time in there (like how she dressed nice for eveone else, but didn't make an effort for me)and that NOW there was no chance (even though I've been hearing that same NOW there is no chance all year) that we'd ever get back together.

She also said that I was only being nice because she was going to get most custody. I am nice a lot! I've been too nice. That's why we are in this mess (a good chunk), because she's right, I never did speak up and she as much said she needed me too. She needed someone to tell her no. Ironically enough, now that I am making a stand for my values and what i think is right and good in the world I am a horrible horrible person. Now I admit that since I am weak in this area, I probably do a poor job of coming across as gentle. So as we talked, I stated how I felt sofly, calmly, and firmly. I let her know that we wouldn't be in this mess if there weren't things unspoken or uncommunicated from both sides. I am sure there is stuff she disliked about me (the little stuff that drove the wedges between us) that i don't know about. When she started shouting at me tonight I let her know that we are not going to do that and she lowered her voice. This was a proud moment for me beacuse I controlled my instinctive reaction to argue over her, while also stating my need to not have her shout at me (I don't think she realize she does it because I have the deeper more robust voice). we had another good 10 minutes where i told her that we've got to talk about this stuff if we are going to learn anything about ourselves from this. We will just practice the same old bad relationship habits and this will repeat itself with someone else, plus if she thinks we can continue to communicate with such anger if she leaves, then life will just continue to suck for no good reason since we have children we will never disappear from each others lives. then i told her that I had to go work and went to our bedroom.

Do I want to lose any time with my children? no. Do I want to lose being around my wife? I already have. I'd love to have her back. She is just so far gone from me. I don't really want her to leave, but I am not going to allow her to treat me poorly or with no respect if she expects to continue living here until she finally gets the guts to take on destroying our family for good. The trick is to calmly and gently point out when shes doing it so i dont fly off the handle and say one mroe thing i regret. I haven't done it for years, so its a slow process, standing up for yourself.

I feel like she'll continue to test my boundaries and look for anything to say its just the same old guy. Well I am the same guy, but now she may get a chance to really know me if I let her. I will not be defined by my poor choices in the past. I wil learn form my mistakes.

nobody likes it when a nice guy goes good.

"Life is simply time given to man to learn how to live. Mistakes are always part of learning. The real dignity of life consists in cultivating a fine attitude towards our own mistakes and those of others. It is the fine tolerance of a fine soul. Man becomes great, not through never making mistakes, but by profiting by those he does make; by being satisfied with a single rendition of a mistake, not encoring it into a continuous performance; by getting from it the honey of new, regenerating inspiration with no irritating sting of morbid regret; by building better to-day because of his poor yesterday; and by rising with renewed strength, finer purpose and freshened courage every time he falls."

William Jordan