Just my thoughts, don't let him come home because He is tired of living with his parents. He made that choice to move in with them. Make sure you give him stipulations before he comes back. I didn't do this, I was so "thrilled" that he came home that I just opened the door. Now I am paying for it and having to start all over trying to GAL and be trusting of him which is hard to do. I think it was easier when he was gone to get my self together because I didn't know what he was doing and I didn't care. Now with him home it is so much harder. I think I needed more time away from him to get myself in a better place.
It is very difficult with there is OW involved.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Absolutely. In fact, I have already stated some of that to him. I told him today "it was your choice to move out. His response was that I wouldn't so he had to. I told him you were the one who didn't want to work on our marriage so why should I be the one to move out. He was getting no sympathy from me. That is the way I still feel. He is depressed and blames me for that.
Of course there would have to be no contact with OW. He continues to tell me that he is not involved with her that she is just a friend. My daughter says the same thing but he is not going to tell her he is having an affair with her. In the 27 years we have been together, I have always been the trusting type and he as well. I will trust you until you give me reason not to. Until of course I saw those texts a couple years ago. Even then he said they were just friends but she at the time wanted more. He says that has changed since then. They don't work together but they dealt with each other on the phone. He told me that "she " told him that he should try and work it out. Like I said earlier, I'm not that quick to trust what he says. He would have to show me.
So my thought was if he would discontinue contact with her, and agree to take the necessary steps to work on us, then I would agree to let him move back. I think I would also have to make it clear to him that our marriage problems are not a result of me alone but both of us. I think he would have to understand that and work on what he needs to for his depression that his depression is not my fault.
Any other suggestions? I saw him a fair amount over the 7 months he was gone because of the kids. He stopped doing anything around the house but he helped a little with D15. I probably saw him a 3-4 times a week at least. How long was he gone in your case? We lived together while we were going through a divorce. He stopped it but then moved out. So this has been going on a while. I know he didn't have a ton of time to do things with her because I still saw him a fair amount and the fall is a really busy time for him at work.
One of the things I noticed with him is wanting attention when he came over. That has only been recently. I told him life goes on. I have stuff to do that I can't just drop because you decide to stop by. I really think he started to realize that I have made some changes and he misses everything to do with being a family. I'm not sure though.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
My H and I have been together for 30 years, this is not the first time he has cheated on me. My H told me the same thing about the OW telling him he should work it out with me. He told me that OW told him to come home he ws gone for 2 months) H also told me he didn't love her and he wanted to work on us. He told her he was coming home because he was tired of supporting a house and 3 lifestyles that he had no part of (me and my S19, S17).
If there is OW involved and you want to work this out, you better make sure he is transparent with you. If I could afford to leave I would. I actually thought I could live this way and let him do what he wants to do, but it hurts too much to not have the love that I want from him. I don't think he will ever give up the OW and I don't want to live like this forever. So right now, it is just about the money.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
I will not tolerate OW. I could afford to live on my own and in our house though it would be a little tough. I had already figured out all of that since we got about a month from our court date. Since he has been gone so long I will definitely proceed with caution if he thinks he wants to move back and work on it.
Of course I am thinking a great deal about the kids. They also do not want OW involved and this became very clear to him with this trip he took. Whether or not this is/was a relationship or a friendship, they did not like it at all. He has always been a "pleaser" so he usually takes what they say. Actually, I believe that is most of his depression problem. He does so much for everyone and feels he gets nothing in return. That was a major gripe he had with me. He felt like he did so much and didn't feel appreciated.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
We talk about kid stuff and sometimes things that we both have an interest in like KU basketball. We can talk politics, our folks, etc. Just don't talk about the affair, divorce, his marriage to his affair partner. I give him heads up stuff about the kids but not too detailed.
D14 is just now feeling major emotions about the divorce. She is very hurt that her Dad left and is raising two kids that aren't his while she and her 3 siblings struggle with the aftermath.
I didn't find this site until he had already filed. He didn't want to do anything to get the divorce done. He expected me to do the work like always but I wasn't going to help him break up my family. He is still in the mid-life crisis fog. Doesn't think he did anything wrong by cheating and hurting everyone as long as he was happy. She cheated also and broke up their family. so there is alot of hurt. A marriage built on lies...oh well not my problem. I don't know if there is regret on his part. Since he still is in his fog, I doubt that he has thought of it.
It has taken alot of work and time to get where I am now. My focus has been on getting my kids and myself to a good place. I want my kids to know that I am here for them and that they can count on me. I haven't really got back into dating yet. I've had a couple of false starts but feel that I am ready if the right guy comes along.
Just a reminder, words are easily said. Actions are the hard part.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I did not know he had remarried. That is the part about divorce that bothers me the most. I think my kids would have a really difficult time watching their dad spending more time with someone else's kids.
That is the part about divorce I don't think most people think about when it comes to family. I can't remember if I read it in DB or DR or another place that it is not a divorce between the spouses but the family. I think that is so true and I also think that is why my kids freaked out when he left with that woman. I'm glad he is seeing that because "he" did that and he has to take that responsibility.
Personally, I don't see how a marriage between 2 cheating people can work. How can they ever truly trust the other? Not our problem. I think when you are ready to date they will be happy for you knowing that you were there for them when they needed you. Does D14 say anything to him? How long has it been since D and he remarried?
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I don't see how two people wo have cheated on each othe can ever trust each other. My H even told me that he could never trust OW because as he said "he is not the first ride in this rodeo" I think they deserve each other. But as kat said not my problem, I am beginning to see the light....
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
My sweet D14 wears her heart on her sleeve, alot like me in that regard. We were watching a show with a counselor that was trying to help a couple that was on their second marriages deal with each other but also their blended family. D14 says to me, "We need to do that with Dad." I asked if she didn't feel that she could talk to him. She said that she could but that he doesn't listen. Only hears what he wants to. So I suggested that she write him a letter explaining what is going on or how she feels. She wasn't sure that would work either as he would probably just toss it after he read it over once but not really get what she meant.
I told her that i thought it was worth a try either way. So she took to Facebook and wrote a short story about a little girl that felt protected while her family was together. Then her Dad left and went off to raise some other kids and her world fell apart. This little girl plasters a smile on her face to hide her true feelings. It was heart wrenching to read. Her dad responded with, "Thanks. I hope you will keep talking. ". Yes seriously a smilie face. The man hasn't a clue when it comes to his own kids.
For what it is worth, S20 doesn't have much to do with him. He is angry with him and doesn't really get into it with him. S17 is kind of over it but doesn't talk about it. Says his Dad wants to be a buddy, not a parent. Says he doesn't need him for that, he has me. Afterall I am only missing an appendage. As for D12, she loves her Mommy but misses her Daddy.
Oh and we have been divorced just under 4.5 years. As for them as a couple, they tried to act like they didn't have an affair and that they had just met sort of thing. He moved in with her after a year and they got married on 10/10/10. Her kids do not know that their mom cheated on their dad. More secrets to hide.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Marriage is tough enough and one based on lies can't be a happy one. All lies come out at some point because eventually you can't cover up everything. Add to that the dismal 2nd marriage stats and he is facing an uphill battle.
I just hope your x understands that if he doesn't start listening to his kids he is going to lose them. He may always be their Dad but that's it. I have seen that with my neighbor. My neighbor had to "push" her daughter to spend time with her Dad because I think she thought that was the right thing to do and she wanted her daughter to have a Dad. Now that her daughter is older she wants nothing to do with him.
Someday you will be ready to move on and i believe your kids will be happy for you because you put them first. They may never accept his new family. I think that is why I am trying so hard to work this out. I even told my H that. I'm not sure yet how much to believe with OW, but I do know that I have to keep trying. After hearing about your kids and how mine reacted, I can't give up yet. I wish you would have found this site earlier. It has helped me tremendously.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Believe me, I do too. I hope that by staying on here and paying it forward, I can help others do what I did not. I did all the wrong things and I keep thinking if I had been on here when I first found out...maybe. Even from early on though he was choosing her and leaving us.
So if we can all learn from my past it won't be for naught.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
". Yes seriously a smilie face. The man hasn't a clue when it comes to his own kids.