Quite right, and it can also contribute to WAW syndrome or even be a syndrome in and of itself. It's largely a mystery, there hasn't been much in the way of studies done in this field. Perimenopause and its impact on marriages and/ or depression is mostly untouched as well.
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There is no "official" diagnosis that I know of.
Wish there was, it would sure make things easier to understand (if not easier to deal with)!!
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I don't recommend telling your wife she's in MLC though, it will only make her pull away from you because she thinks you're the problem, not her MLC. She's convinced she has had an awakening, and is finally on a sensible path... trying to convince her otherwise will only pit her against you.
Absolutely, this is spot on! The WAS believes the marital problems and source of their unhappiness is their spouse. When the LBS suggests that the problem may be menopause, MLC, depression, etc. what the WAS hears is the LBS blaming them for the problem and not owning up to what they need to change about themselves. The LBS can never, ever win by telling the WAS what is wrong with THEM, no matter how true it may be.
No R talk with any spouse who wants to dump you! It only reinforces their decision to leave. I understand you want to fix this RIGHT NOW, but DB doesn't work like that. Your goal is just to not make things worse with her for right now. Relax a bit, take a deep breath and calm yourself down.
Work on YOU, take care of YOU.
Are you even reading DR or DB?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I didn't mean to confuse you more. You just seemed so sure it was MLC.
You can't discuss this stuff with her! You have to realize that you'll hear a lot of information here on the board and you can't afford to tell her about it, and sure not ask her questions to see if she thinks she fits the bill.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well she moved out about 30 minutes ago. It's my fault, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop myself from talking R and trying to get a commitment from her to fix this. Hopefully with her out of the house I can relax and work on me and still fix the marriage.
Sorry guys, I tried to follow your advice. I feel like I let you, me and my daughter down.
Don't be too hard on yourself Terry, we all make mistakes. The smart thing to do is to learn from them. She needs some space to herself right now, give it to her. Keep posting, we are here to help you.
Which book(s) are you reading?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi, Terry, So sorry to hear your W moved out, but sometimes it is EXACTLY what they need to breathe, step back from the R, and have time & space to think and to just be.
My H moved out 3 weeks ago. It hurt then & it still hurts now, but I do know I'm in a better place than I was 3 weeks ago.
You are right in that now you can focus on YOU and your D. You didn't cause your W to leave and you can't control her actions now either. Stop thinking about "fixing" the M. Do your 180's, GAL and start thinking about yourself and what YOU want from your life (other than her, I mean).
This isn't going to be easy. In fact it will probably be the hardest thing you ever did. But, you need to do this for YOUR OWN salvation (and your D, too).
There are NO GUARANTEES about the ultimate outcomes of each of our M's. But, if you follow the DB guidelines you will find yourself in a much better place (at least that's the goal I am hanging onto).
Take care of you!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks turtlegirl. I am trying. I am having such a hard time at the moment. I feel like part of me died, and there is a huge whole where my heart used to be. I know that this will be easier then doing the roller coaster ride every week, but I still feel devastated, and seeing my daughter suffer is making the pain worse.
Well she moved out about 30 minutes ago. It's my fault, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop myself from talking R and trying to get a commitment from her to fix this. Hopefully with her out of the house I can relax and work on me and still fix the marriage.
Sorry guys, I tried to follow your advice. I feel like I let you, me and my daughter down.
She didn't move out because of anything you did or said right then and there. She's likely been planning it for months. You couldn't have stopped her, it was inevitable. You did not let anyone down, especially your daughter. If anyone let her down, it was your W.
Now, take a deep breath. Calm yourself. Look at this as giving your W the space and time that she needs to sort through her thoughts. It may be the best thing that could have happened to start rebuilding the M. Go back to DB'ing basics. This is the time to work on yourself, evaluate your contribution to the M falling apart, do 180's on those things, GAL, work on your PMA. Give yourself time to adjust, it's a big shock to wake up alone each morning but you'll adjust pretty quickly. Once you get settled into your routine I think you'll find it's actually easier to deal with your sitch when W isn't around all the time. That's how it went for me. You'll be fine, you can do this! You're about to learn just how strong and independent you really can be!
