Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[JuneReN]

First, others will disagree, but I do NOT believe in exposure of affairs. At least not at the outset. Can discuss this more if it is ever confirmed that your W is in an A. Let's hope not.

Yep, I am a disagree-er .
I asked H if he was seeing someone and he said no. He lied. It wasn't the sex, it was the lying. For me, that was perilously close to a deal breaker. Funnily enough, knowing the truth has made me position myself differently than before. Don't kid yourself, I was a wreck for a few days, but it gave me perspective.

That being said, I see Denver's point as well. If you are not in a position where you can handle the info at this point, don't do it. The exposure of an OW to me just confirmed what I suspected and I have no desire to know who where when or what.

The fact that H lied to me, put into question every single thing he has ever said because I trusted him, and it almost broke me. So, work towards your 180s GAL and detach, detach, detach.

Keep all info to yourself, do not ask W about OM, good chance she will deny. Do not let this eat you up SG..because it will if you let it

[Denver_2010]

First, others will disagree, but I do NOT believe in exposure of affairs. At least not at the outset. Can discuss this more if it is ever confirmed that your W is in an A. Let's hope not.

Yep, I am a disagree-er .
I asked H if he was seeing someone and he said no. He lied. It wasn't the sex, it was the lying. For me, that was perilously close to a deal breaker. Funnily enough, knowing the truth has made me position myself differently than before. Don't kid yourself, I was a wreck for a few days, but it gave me perspective.

That being said, I see Denver's point as well. If you are not in a position where you can handle the info at this point, don't do it. The exposure of an OW to me just confirmed what I suspected and I have no desire to know who where when or what.

The fact that H lied to me, put into question every single thing he has ever said because I trusted him, and it almost broke me. So, work towards your 180s GAL and detach, detach, detach.

Keep all info to yourself, do not ask W about OM, good chance she will deny. Do not let this eat you up SG..because it will if you let it

Ahhh, maybe I wasn't very clear. Sorry. I am referring to "exposure" as it relates to telling friends, family, children, etc., about the affair that your spouse is having.

I'm not in favor of that, at least at the beginning.

Exposing to friends and family only makes it more difficult for the cheating spouse to come back to the M once the A is over. They feel embarrassed and/or ashamed of their behavior and don't feel comfortable facing those people. In addition, it usually p!sses them off and accomplishes very little to end the A. IMO anyway.

I'm all in favor of confirming whether your spouse is having an A or not. I don't see how a person can make an informed decision on anything if they don't know if that is happening or not.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, first I'd like to say thanks for jumping in my thread. I've read so many of your posts here and really appreciate your thoughts on my sitch!

Why are you afraid of confronting your W about OM?

This is a great question.

I think I'm afraid to bring it up with the limited proof. She acts suspicious: cell phone behavior, web history shows and interest in Facebook privacy settings, a few long calls to possible OM. (One call was immediately after dropping the bomb and leaving the house!) I did find a picture in her email, but it was discovered via snooping. I don't want to destroy her trust.

She works with OM, so there aren't very many calls on her cell phone. They both have iPhones which use the iMessage app, thus avoiding text messaging showing on the phone bill.

I'm also afraid that it would rock the boat too much. Right now she's still open to spending time and talking with me. I'm afraid of losing that too.

All of those are good reasons IMO, except for the rocking the boat. I don't see any reason not to confront a spouse who is cheating just to avoid rocking the boat.

As for the others, well, I get it. And it is probably best. Like I said before, I would continue to snoop on a limited basis. In other words, don't get consumed by it.

One idea might be to sit down with your W and talk to her about your concerns in a very general fashion.

[Denver_2010]

How often are you going to Happy Hours?

And if HH is not your thing, go out and do something with friends, on your own. She doesn't have to know what it is. Maybe you could set up a schedule, W you go out Tues and I go on Th.

You're sounding a little like the long-suffering husband sitting home with the baby. Change that up, go out, have a good time, stay out past 10:30. I know you said you always went to bed at a certain time and maybe that's what's driving her crazy-maybe she feels like you've turned into an old married couple. You two are just entering the prime of your lives, don't waste it.

YES ^^^

No offense, but your M sounds like it lacks excitement and has for a while. I have been there, so I get it. This very well could be the root cause of what your W is going through, her confusion.

I highly suggest that you start jazzing things up. Begin with YOU, by doing some GAL. I've read about 6 pages of your thread, and the most GAL that I've read about you doing is taking up reading again and going to get a massage... and the place was closed! What do you like to do that you haven't done in a while? What have you never done that you have always wanted to do? Loosen your tie a little and have some fun. Your W will notice. She will become curious. And then, when the time is right, you can ask her to join you... to have a little fun WITH you.

Bug is right, with your W or without her, life is too short to live on such a short leash.

You're right. I haven't pushed GAL activities. When W is willing to spend time with me, I feel like I have to be around her, even if it's just watching TV together. Could this be seen as a negative?

I think so, yes. And I TOTALLY get this. I did the exact same thing for a very long time. In hindsight, it was partly because I knew that if W was with me, she wasn't with OM. And until June of this year, I never fully believed my W when she would tell me that she wasn't having contact with him. Also in hindsight though, I don't think that this was a very good reason to neglect GALing.

The other part of why I did this, is because I had been a pretty awful H before, so I had a lot to show my W in terms of my changes. I'm not sure that you have that same problem.

So yeah, I do think that it can be a negative and as you say below, it may be playing right into her expectations of you.

Maybe if W is bored, I'm playing right into her expectations... we once again just sit on the couch and watch TV like we always did. Maybe I need to let go of this "non-quality time" and just leave the house sometimes. She can watch TV on her own?

That's what I would advise. And for goodness sakes, stay out past 10:30!

[someguy1233]

First, others will disagree, but I do NOT believe in exposure of affairs. At least not at the outset. Can discuss this more if it is ever confirmed that your W is in an A. Let's hope not.

Yep, I am a disagree-er .
I asked H if he was seeing someone and he said no. He lied. It wasn't the sex, it was the lying. For me, that was perilously close to a deal breaker. Funnily enough, knowing the truth has made me position myself differently than before. Don't kid yourself, I was a wreck for a few days, but it gave me perspective.

That being said, I see Denver's point as well. If you are not in a position where you can handle the info at this point, don't do it. The exposure of an OW to me just confirmed what I suspected and I have no desire to know who where when or what.

The fact that H lied to me, put into question every single thing he has ever said because I trusted him, and it almost broke me. So, work towards your 180s GAL and detach, detach, detach.

Keep all info to yourself, do not ask W about OM, good chance she will deny. Do not let this eat you up SG..because it will if you let it

Ahhh, maybe I wasn't very clear. Sorry. I am referring to "exposure" as it relates to telling friends, family, children, etc., about the affair that your spouse is having.

I'm not in favor of that, at least at the beginning.

Exposing to friends and family only makes it more difficult for the cheating spouse to come back to the M once the A is over. They feel embarrassed and/or ashamed of their behavior and don't feel comfortable facing those people. In addition, it usually p!sses them off and accomplishes very little to end the A. IMO anyway.

I'm all in favor of confirming whether your spouse is having an A or not. I don't see how a person can make an informed decision on anything if they don't know if that is happening or not.

Denver, you and I are on the same page. That's the type of exposure I was referring to as well.

[someguy1233]

Denver, first I'd like to say thanks for jumping in my thread. I've read so many of your posts here and really appreciate your thoughts on my sitch!

Why are you afraid of confronting your W about OM?

This is a great question.

I think I'm afraid to bring it up with the limited proof. She acts suspicious: cell phone behavior, web history shows and interest in Facebook privacy settings, a few long calls to possible OM. (One call was immediately after dropping the bomb and leaving the house!) I did find a picture in her email, but it was discovered via snooping. I don't want to destroy her trust.

She works with OM, so there aren't very many calls on her cell phone. They both have iPhones which use the iMessage app, thus avoiding text messaging showing on the phone bill.

I'm also afraid that it would rock the boat too much. Right now she's still open to spending time and talking with me. I'm afraid of losing that too.

All of those are good reasons IMO, except for the rocking the boat. I don't see any reason not to confront a spouse who is cheating just to avoid rocking the boat.

As for the others, well, I get it. And it is probably best. Like I said before, I would continue to snoop on a limited basis. In other words, don't get consumed by it.

One idea might be to sit down with your W and talk to her about your concerns in a very general fashion.

You're probably right. I shouldn't be afraid to rock the boat. But at this point all I can say is, "W, are you seeing someone else? Your behaviors have been suspicious." I don't have any concrete evidence.

I'll continue to monitor the cell log for long phone calls. I'm kind of expecting to see more since she's quitting her job tomorrow. She'll need a new way to stay in contact with OM.

How often are you going to Happy Hours?

And if HH is not your thing, go out and do something with friends, on your own. She doesn't have to know what it is. Maybe you could set up a schedule, W you go out Tues and I go on Th.

You're sounding a little like the long-suffering husband sitting home with the baby. Change that up, go out, have a good time, stay out past 10:30. I know you said you always went to bed at a certain time and maybe that's what's driving her crazy-maybe she feels like you've turned into an old married couple. You two are just entering the prime of your lives, don't waste it.

YES ^^^

No offense, but your M sounds like it lacks excitement and has for a while. I have been there, so I get it. This very well could be the root cause of what your W is going through, her confusion.

I highly suggest that you start jazzing things up. Begin with YOU, by doing some GAL. I've read about 6 pages of your thread, and the most GAL that I've read about you doing is taking up reading again and going to get a massage... and the place was closed! What do you like to do that you haven't done in a while? What have you never done that you have always wanted to do? Loosen your tie a little and have some fun. Your W will notice. She will become curious. And then, when the time is right, you can ask her to join you... to have a little fun WITH you.

Bug is right, with your W or without her, life is too short to live on such a short leash.

You're right. I haven't pushed GAL activities. When W is willing to spend time with me, I feel like I have to be around her, even if it's just watching TV together. Could this be seen as a negative?

I think so, yes. And I TOTALLY get this. I did the exact same thing for a very long time. In hindsight, it was partly because I knew that if W was with me, she wasn't with OM. And until June of this year, I never fully believed my W when she would tell me that she wasn't having contact with him. Also in hindsight though, I don't think that this was a very good reason to neglect GALing.

The other part of why I did this, is because I had been a pretty awful H before, so I had a lot to show my W in terms of my changes. I'm not sure that you have that same problem.

So yeah, I do think that it can be a negative and as you say below, it may be playing right into her expectations of you.

Maybe if W is bored, I'm playing right into her expectations... we once again just sit on the couch and watch TV like we always did. Maybe I need to let go of this "non-quality time" and just leave the house sometimes. She can watch TV on her own?

That's what I would advise. And for goodness sakes, stay out past 10:30!

Denver, I think you hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize it until you said it... If W is with me, I know she isn't calling, texting, etc. with OM. So I'd rather sit at home watching TV with her than go out. I don't know what I hope to gain by this. It's not a big deal if she can't communicate with him for the few hours she's with me. She spends the majority of the day NOT around me and there's plenty of time for her to do what she wants. Those few hours aren't going to make or break anything.

I wish I could stay out past 10:30. But I never know when S is going to have a rough night and wake up at 4AM. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that has to get at least 7 hours of sleep. If I don't then next day is HORRIBLE. I become immediately depressed, anxious, and short with people. In my youth I spent years battling depression. I eventually learned that getting a good amount of sleep is a requirement for my own well being.

[someguy1233]

Last night I had a monthly meeting after work. I'm usually home by 8:30 at the latest. I decided to stop by my parents house after the meeting to visit for a few minutes. I debated not telling W I would be late, but then realized that would be very hypocritical. So I sent her a message-
Me: I'll be home in a bit. Making a pit stop.
W: Like at a bar?
Me: I wish!!!
W: Oooookkkaaayyy

The strung out "ok" is her way of expressing frustration. She was sleeping when I got home. This morning on the way to work we had a brief chat about it-
W: So did you have fun on your cryptic outing last night?
Me: What do you mean cryptic?
W: You know what I mean. It’s like you’re intentionally vague lately. If I did that to you you’d be pissed.
Me: Interesting. I wasn’t being intentionally anything.
W: Well what were you out doing?
Me: I stopped by my parents’ house.
W: Oh.

A little later I told her I had plans tonight (GAL!)-
Me: I’m going to go out after S goes to bed tonight.
W: Oh really. How about you ask, “Do you have anything going on tonight? I’m thinking about going out?”
Me: Ok… “So I’m thinking about going out tonight… do you have anything going on?”
W: Nope. That’s fine.

She doesn't seem to like me breaking way from my predictable behaviors, or perhaps it's just the way I'm communicating the plans?

[Denver_2010]

Last night I had a monthly meeting after work. I'm usually home by 8:30 at the latest. I decided to stop by my parents house after the meeting to visit for a few minutes. I debated not telling W I would be late, but then realized that would be very hypocritical. So I sent her a message-
Me: I'll be home in a bit. Making a pit stop.
W: Like at a bar?
Me: I wish!!!
W: Oooookkkaaayyy

The strung out "ok" is her way of expressing frustration. She was sleeping when I got home. This morning on the way to work we had a brief chat about it-
W: So did you have fun on your cryptic outing last night?
Me: What do you mean cryptic?
W: You know what I mean. It’s like you’re intentionally vague lately. If I did that to you you’d be pissed.
Me: Interesting. I wasn’t being intentionally anything.
W: Well what were you out doing?
Me: I stopped by my parents’ house.
W: Oh.

A little later I told her I had plans tonight (GAL!)-
Me: I’m going to go out after S goes to bed tonight.
W: Oh really. How about you ask, “Do you have anything going on tonight? I’m thinking about going out?”
Me: Ok… “So I’m thinking about going out tonight… do you have anything going on?”
W: Nope. That’s fine.

She doesn't seem to like me breaking way from my predictable behaviors, or perhaps it's just the way I'm communicating the plans?

Probably a little of both. When she goes out for her happy hours, does she notify you by saying, "I'm thinking of going out for happy hour tonight, do you have anything going on?"???

Does she think that her plans take precedence over your plans?

That's what it sounds like.

Does she ask you for permission to go out?

Maybe you can phrase it like this, "I'm going to go out tonight after S goes to bed, unless WE have something going on?"

[someguy1233]

Last night I had a monthly meeting after work. I'm usually home by 8:30 at the latest. I decided to stop by my parents house after the meeting to visit for a few minutes. I debated not telling W I would be late, but then realized that would be very hypocritical. So I sent her a message-
Me: I'll be home in a bit. Making a pit stop.
W: Like at a bar?
Me: I wish!!!
W: Oooookkkaaayyy

The strung out "ok" is her way of expressing frustration. She was sleeping when I got home. This morning on the way to work we had a brief chat about it-
W: So did you have fun on your cryptic outing last night?
Me: What do you mean cryptic?
W: You know what I mean. It’s like you’re intentionally vague lately. If I did that to you you’d be pissed.
Me: Interesting. I wasn’t being intentionally anything.
W: Well what were you out doing?
Me: I stopped by my parents’ house.
W: Oh.

A little later I told her I had plans tonight (GAL!)-
Me: I’m going to go out after S goes to bed tonight.
W: Oh really. How about you ask, “Do you have anything going on tonight? I’m thinking about going out?”
Me: Ok… “So I’m thinking about going out tonight… do you have anything going on?”
W: Nope. That’s fine.

She doesn't seem to like me breaking way from my predictable behaviors, or perhaps it's just the way I'm communicating the plans?

Probably a little of both. When she goes out for her happy hours, does she notify you by saying, "I'm thinking of going out for happy hour tonight, do you have anything going on?"???

Does she think that her plans take precedence over your plans?

That's what it sounds like.

Does she ask you for permission to go out?

Maybe you can phrase it like this, "I'm going to go out tonight after S goes to bed, unless WE have something going on?"

Sometimes when she goes out she asks if it will be ok. Other timers, she just says, "I'm going to happy hour after work."

Denver, I like your statement. I'll try to use that. It states that I plan to go out, but shows consideration for her as well.

[someguy1233]

So W emailed me earlier today. She asked if I wanted to join her for lunch. When I picked her up she said that none of her friends were working and she was incredibly bored since she's quitting tomorrow and isn't really "working." She said she thought to herself, "Hey! Why don't I see if the guy I'm married to wants to have lunch!"

It was a really fun time. I practiced a 180 I forgot about.

W used to think that I became a boring person... that I only cared about projects around the house, yard, etc. She has a much bigger interest in current events, politics, etc.

I browsed CNN before going to lunch and came prepared with a couple topics. I think it went well.

I also noticed that W is definitely jealous when it comes to other women. In the past she'd point out a pretty girl and I'd always say something like, "she's nothing compared to you!" Today she did it and I said, "yeah! she is hot!"

We also talked briefly about a festival I worked a few years ago... there was a body painting booth. She got jealous of the idea of me looking at other women and made a puking motion. Interesting.