My Fears in GALing

[Denver_2010]

Ok so in the spirit of giving. What is the consensus on the DB boards on giving gifts to their WAS' for Christmas?

Last year in my begging/pleading/pursuing days, I gave my W an upgraded wedding ring--only to find myself returning it 2 days later. I just don't want to make the same mistake.

But I know I can't just wake up Christmas morning without any gift to the mother of my children. We are still together afterall despite of possibility of cutting the rope in a month or two...

I used to buy multiple gifts, I'm thinking this year, I'm not going overboard and just get her something practical like a purse. Looks like what she's been using has been beaten up.

Thoughts?

Newman

Based upon what I think that I know of your situation, that you are still living in the same home as W, still communicating, and still, technically, trying to work through things, I would suggest getting a nice, NON-romantic, gift. Something on par with what you might get for a good friend.

[GALbaby]

Hey Newman, just been catching up on your sitch. I'm sorry to hear that the peeps I've most followed on this board are all at the crossroads in their M's at this point and ready to let go. I so admire the strength and courage of all of you. Its such a painful journey. There there is no doubt that you all have taken the higher road, and will continue to do so.

As far as the gift I think a new purse would be suitable.

[newman7977]

Noted Denver and thanks. I think the purse would do. My other choice was a watch, but I think a purse is more "non-romantic". I don't know I got to hit the mall one of these days maybe I'll think/find something else.

I was thinking about what you said about detaching. I failed so far, so I will try to detach again.

Hi Galbaby, thanks for catching up. I haven't really ventured out to the MLC section, I hope you're doing well with your sitch. Yeah I notice a few peeps reaching crossroads in their sitch, I don't know maybe it's the holiday blues. Anyway on my sitch, I feel like 2013 will have some changes. I really don't think I can do this same limbo again next year, but we'll see.

BTW, here's the latest on my WAWs rewriting history. According to her we didn't take any vacation. Which is not true because every summer we plan to go somewhere. Sure maybe it's not international or by plane but we did go places as a family, mostly local but nevertheless it's a vacation! One time we even went to south america. So how can she say we "never" did go on vacations? Ugh, I was just speechless and almost fell off my chair when i heard her say that. This came about because we were talking about thanksgiving and how folks travel.

I also know that this is embedded in her head, she told me before in this ordeal how the OM went to different far places with his family for vacation. And of course she bought that story, sure maybe it's true but I suspect it's heavily sugar coated but geez at least give it a benefit of a doubt.

Alright that's off my chest. Thanks for listening.

newman

[Desperate man]

Newman,
Just read your latest posts and was wandering what happened to you.

I have spent the afternoon reading through 4 or 5 different LBS stories. Very strange that we are all feeling the same feeling of cutting the rope. Maybe it is the holiday blues as you have stated. I think all the family stuff and commercials on TV make this season worse. Maybe its a spirtual thing with Christmas around the corner.

I too have been feeling like cutting the rope. With my W not living in the house in all pratical terms we are divorced. Have not talked to her nor seen her for about a week. But I have to ask you would it be any different if you would push for the divorce? Or are you just going to move out and seperate? I understand your not wanting to go through more of the limbo. Me to, but I keep asking myself is there anything better on the other side?? DM

[newman7977]

Hey DM,

Good to hear from you. I read your post you sound well. I'm glad you are detaching well. I'm having a hard time in that dept.

I think not detaching well is the reason my mind is spinning again about my sitch.

I'm still flip flopping re cutting the rope, I want to really think about it and make a decision to be really sure and ready. I'm looking at all angles including consulting a lawyer. I also don't want to give my W an ammo against me if I push for separation.

I don't know I'm just confuse and frustrated on the sitch. Yep its really the holidays hitting hard. It's hard to keep a PMA knowing the family is broken and faking it like nothing is going on with W's family, except SIL, she knows the deal. But you know I'm trying very hard so my kids will not get affected.

I'm also tired of the one way M. It's always me initiating contact and communication. Like today I got home and I purposely didn't talk to W to see what happens. Sure enough after two hours she still haven't said a word. I had to ask her a question so I had to talk. She's just cold.

I will try to detach. I really have to engrave detachment in my head. I believe this will help me cope if I can detach lovingly while living in the same home.

Despite of all the negativity this past weekend I was able to get the Christmas Tree and ornaments. Even took s3 photo shoot with Santa at the mall.

Take care of yourself and those kids DM keep us posted in your sitch.

Newman

[newman7977]

Accuray,

I hope you find this request. I can't believe I missed your thread on this boards. I was reading a sitch where you posted about affairs, it was a great post so I started reading your story.

Your first post is a goldmine! Lots of good advice. But it was only 3pages and now I'm having a hard time combing through your posts....I can't seem to find your part 2+ threads. Would you mind directing me to it or pasting the links on my thread?

Lots of the things you were doing, I'm doing in my sitch now...even the match.com browsing, I'm not gonna act on it now just curiosity I suppose, an option in case of a D.

Thanks much!

Newman

[newman7977]

Journaling

Sunday morning, I asked her if we can go out to dinner or movies. She said no. So I respected that. Then that led to R talk.

i express to W I don't want to live with her as room mate anymore, I want us to start doing couple stuff if we are going to be together. I also expressed my needs to ML to her. I don't know what's wrong with me but this is driving me insane! I will address this ML issue to my IC. Her response is that she understood but she just can't start doing those things because she doesn't feel like it.

She then ask me if I'm still going to IC. I said yes and I asked her the same.

She told me she's trying and that she's working on herself. Apparently, she's got some issues with her family being critical. I think this is where her thinking have changed about marriage-- that one doesn't have to stay M if you're unhappy. She's surrounded by divorced/separated/unhappy peers, so I think this is radiating on her.

Another issue uncovered is that She also go out of her way to please people and perhaps her expectations are the same and if those are not met the same way, then she gets disappointed. So I think this is one area of our breakdown, where in the past I have ignored her requests because I'm too tired etc..(yes my fault for not giving enough time)

My thought is that she's got a long journey ahead. I just dont know how much i have left in me. I guess I will go day by day until I finally say that's it.

I noticed I'm building a lot of resentment too. She went out Sunday with a female co-worker for a work related dinner. I didn't think it was necessary; it wasnt mandatory or anything like that, so she could've elected to stay home and spend time with the kids. But that's just me anytime I get a free time I make sure I'm with my family.

Even though I was a little disappointed I acted "as if" and didn't let those thoughts ruin the day. I took s3 to feed the ducks at the park, went to the market, and cook dinner. She got home at 9pm.

She thanked me for taking care of the kids.

I'm confuse about validating. It seem like when you don't say anything it feels like you are agreeing with them? That's what I tried, I just listened and bit my tongue...but inside of me, I didnt agree.

But it worked, she was warm with me all day Sunday...even asked me to fix her laptop keyboard.

So my questions now:

How to validate without seeming to agree?

In my sitch a little physical touch is sometimes acceptable by my wife, should I keep doing this?

Because I tried to go dark and didn't hug her for 2 weeks and we got really distant. I don't know how much to apply.

Also been thinking, other than my 180s and zero fights, we've been doing same life activities as before...do I need to change anything? I feel like I don't need to go dark since we're not hostile to each other and she's really not pushing for D right now...

I'm so confuse.

Newman

[newman7977]

What are your opinions-- to DB living in the same house or separation?

I know living in the same house is very difficult, but then again there's no measuring stick as to what is "difficult" since I haven't DB in separation...

[jbnati]

Newman, I just thought I'd stop by today.

Coming from someone who DB'd in both situations, I can't say one way is better than the other - it's just different. It seemed for me it was generally less stressful living apart. I've still had contact with my W because of our S. Living apart does make it easier to detach.

After reading through your last couple of pages, it appears you have the right idea in that you need to detach. It appears to me you may be applying pressure to your W to follow your agenda and it could be pushing her away. The two of you may need a little more space.

My suggestion is if there is to be a physical separation, let her move.

Since I only read about the last 2 pages of your thread - how well do think you're GAL'ing? Can you do some things where you need to ask your W to watch the kids? My suggestion would be to do healthy things. I know on my thread you indicated you're a cyclist - are there any riding groups in your area? That may be a little difficult, considering the time of year and what the weather may be like where you live. Are there any other healthy activities you can engage in?

[newman7977]

Hi JB thanks for stopping by.

Yep, I'm not doing good in detaching. I mean, there are days that I'm ok but for the most part I'm not. And that's what I thought that it will be easier to detach if we separate.

But how many LBS' push for separation? Why would I even do this? This is what I'm contemplating and talking about dropping the rope and shifting the sitch, is to initiate separation.

So I'm flip flopping...I think you are right though, if there's physical separation let her initiate it, let her push for D. Unless she continues with OM, that's the boundary I've establish with her. I won't be part of this if she continue with OM.

So what I do now, I do a lot of 180s...and taking care of the kids.

I'm basically doing a balanced GALing since one of her complaints is that in the past I gal'd too much.

My only true GAL right now is that, cycling. Yes I go with our local group every Sat morning. It's the best man, I can put my sitch aside and just hang out with these guys, they don't know my sitch--its truly refreshing and the outdoors is great. But see this is nothing new, I was doing this before the INILWY bomb. I did this for my health--Drs. order to exercise, i was overweight, so I took on road cycling. I was training Sat & Sun, doing century rides for charity, I lost 40lbs. Its funny because sometimes I think, did she like me when I was chunky? But I'm like that can't be. I didn't have energy, I was lazy, I didn't want to get out because I didn't feel good about myself.

As I exercise, I started gaining energy, starting to look good in slim shirts, I felt confident and wanted to go out with her do stuff with her. This is around Jan. 2011. But she seemed distant--didn't think anything of it. Her first communication with OM was March 2011. Their friendly talks built up until May 2011, thats when she dropped the bomb on me. I had my doubts, but didn't find out until 4/30/12. The rest of the timelines are in my signature including the 2nd meeting with the same OM in Sept this year.

So you see I was turning things around before the bomb. All these proof were backed up by call logs report from our phone subscriber, I requested them. Over 9K texts/month, how was this happening under my radar? She named this guy under her cousin's name on the phone's contact..so every time the text or call comes in, it was "Nancy", it doesn't also help me figure this out since I don't speak her first language. Yep on our family vacations, home time, and family gatherings, she was talking to this low life. Oh well I guess the marriage was that bad, that she would talk to this guy not only in front of me but also in front of our kids, total disrespect. D17 even said one time that mom is really close to her cousin "nancy" because they talk a lot. This really boils my blood but I bite my tongue and not say anything.

Until one day the OM messed up (a year later on April this year) and contacted my wife using his email address instead of the text#...that's when I started looking for solid evidence because I know she'd just deny it. Whew ok this brought me back, First time I actually say these in details on my post. Still hurts but a little better, I accept what happened and working on forgiveness and trust.

I mean I know and I felt I neglected her during our marriage because we were busy upgrading our careers. We both went back to school to get higher education and then S3 surprised us. There's also issue of me not getting vasectomy and her getting IUD when that didn't work she did tubuligation. Thats the biggest resentment. I cant go back and change that, if I can I would and get snipped. I asked for her forgiveness.

Lots of issues JB, these are just some. Therapy seem to point out too that her family is critical, I'm sure I'm too of her. She is also clinically depressed, but elected not to take A/Ds. But see I think this is why she's not pushing D anymore or separation even she feels like it because of what her family will say. I don't know JB I feel her spirit, heart, and commitment is not in the marriage and she's just stuck and so she stays. It's the defeat of everyone telling her to stay. I know this is mind reading and that's why I have to focus on me and to find away to lovingly detach while we live in the same house. So I'll take this in face value, until she elects for separation or D again?

Maybe one day I will reach my timeline. OR she will have some kind of epiphany.

Anything you can offer that I'm not seeing please let me know.

I'm reading your sitch JB. And goodluck to your recent developments--that's good stuff man, I really wish you the best. I will follow your posts.

Newman