We muddled along, but this year I started to get very suspicious of my wife. I did a "affair" chemical test on her panties earlier this year, but it came back negative.
This is the craziest thing I've ever heard people do, because not only is it invasive (sending your wife's soiled panties to some strangers to test) but a negative result doesn't prove anything. She could be having an EA, that's just as damaging to a M as a PA. Or they could have used protection. Or they didn't have sex right before she put those particular panties on. etc. etc.
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However, she was acting withdrawn, no interest in sex, spending a couple nights a a week away from home, she lost about 20lbs, started exercising, coloring her hair and grooming "down there" - she never did that in our whole marriage.
She's either a WAW or is about to be.
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I went to the libery and got the DB book and read it three times before it had to go back. I took notes too.
What did you learn? What are the things you did wrong in the marriage? What are your 180's? How well are you doing at sticking with them?
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I think I read somewhere that affairs are a form of abuse on the partner and you should not let the abuse continue which is why I exposed to them and my kids.
You "think" you read that? Hmmmm. I'm not sure I'd act based on something I "thought" I read somewhere. You don't even know if an affair is taking place, and if it isn't then you are causing severe damage to what's left of your M. And please tell me you didn't involve your kids in this witch hunt like it sounds like you're saying.
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I told her about the affair test I did on her underwear and she went ballistic and got into a huge fight.
Sure she did, and I think that was a reasonable response. You told her that you secretly stole her dirty panties and sent them to a stranger to have tested to prove she's being unfaithful. I would think she'd be quite angry about that revelation.
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saying she hated what I've become, saying I was fat and ugly and over.
OK, now back to DB. Have you taken stock of your faults? Have you listened to what your W is telling you and are you doing something about it? What have you become that she hates so much? How can you reverse that? What are you doing to make yourself more fit and attractive?
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The good thing is that she said that she didn't want to get divorce for sure, but that if we did stay married it would be in paper only. She would be free to date. We wouldn't have any hugs, kisses, s-e-x or sleeping on the same floor of the house. I would be free to live in the in-law apartment we have in the basement if I wanted or I could chose the office spare. I would have to give my paycheck to her and she'd give me a allowance of $100 every two weeks. The rest would go to kids, bills and her stuff. Her check would go into a separate bank account and she'd pay 1/2 of the bills too. I thought this was a pretty good sign and I told her I was glad she wasn't thinking divorce, but that I had to think about the other stuff.
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. You heard all of that and walked away thinking it was a "pretty good sign"? Oh man, we have so much work to do with you I scarcely know where to start, LOL! Do you want to be married to a woman that is free to date and have sex, manages all your income and gives you a puny stipend and won't let you into your own bedroom? Wow. Your immediate reaction should have been "no W, those are unrealistic terms. I am not leaving my bed, bedroom or house. I will not stand by while you openly date and have sex with other men. If you want to work on the marriage you are welcome to stay indefinitely, but if those are your stipulations then I think it would be best if you leave."
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Now that I have done it, I'm feeling some regret. Part of me just feels that I need to go the fully monty with the exposure.
DB'ing is NOT about exposing an affair. Whether or not there is an affair doesn't really affect DB'ing techniques. You've become obsessed with this possible affair and you're making zero progress towards repairing your M. Ask yourself if you want to repair the M or if you're just looking for an excuse to end it.
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so what's the harm in confronting my buddy at his work. I really, really think my wife would respect me for being a man.
I seriously am starting to think I must have logged onto the wrong forum. Is this the Jerry Springer forum or something? Someone pinch me and wake me up!
