And by DONT'S I mean what are the big differences between piecing and the DB tactics of a newcomer?
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
A general concern.
IF anyone is coming here from Newcomers or MLC or any of the other forums, following 25 years, Starsky, me...anyone else and you think that the advice here is different...it is.
It is different. DO NOT take advice from Piecing and apply it to a newcomer situation. Do not apply it to god forbid an MLC situation.
Piecing is when both parties are (or say they are) committed to working on the realtionship and even then? Give it a few weeks or months to see if that is true.
This advice here? is not for someone who just dicovered their husband or wife is having an affair. Or for someone who just got the ILYBINILWY.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
What have you done to change you, to make you the better choice?
To name a few. (These are over simplified, but gives you the idea)
Expressing my appreciation. I used to just assume she knew I was thankful when she did things. Stupid, I know. Tell her how good she looks and showing affection. In the past I didn't do this often enough. Being nicer to her. Don't get me wrong, I've always been nice to her, but for a while leading up to our sitch I wasn't as nice to her as I was a friend or a stranger. Taking her places and having fun. There were times I used to resist doing a lot of things. Now we go out a lot. We just went on a trip to the Caribbean for a week as well. Being strong (in every sense of the word). I feel a part of me always has been, but my strength was miss guided in a lot of ways. Taking better care of myself. Starting exercising and eating better. I've lost 25 lbs, I'm thin and feel great.
She gave you some pretty specific information, have you used that to work on you? Yes, I believe I`ve addressed all of them.
Why to you think your anxiety and panic just went away? Great question. The short answer is I don`t know. It could just be a coincidence as it did start getting better before our sitch. But there were times in the beginning of our sitch when I felt like I just didn`t have time to worry about my anxiety problem, I had more important things to worry about. I`m sure the exercise has also helped.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
It's understandable that so soon after the S you're still going to wonder if the bottom is about to drop whenever you see her pull back a bit. I think with time you'll build your trust back up and not focus so much on the little moves.
Agreed. Since yesterday she's been great, lots of PA, told me she loved me etc.
Sandi thanks so much for posting. I've read a lot of your posts, your opinion is greatly valued.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Your W was attracted to you when she saw you being stronger, plus when you threaten to leave. However, she will not continue to assure you that everything is okay.
I agree 100%. I understand she may not continue to tell me, but she's showing me through her actions, which is what I need to remind myself at times.
Quote:
It's not attractive for a man to ask.
I know. I struggle at times with what I'm supposed to be asking her and what I'm not. When I asked her about the affection it was kind of an aside, I certainly didn't want to come off as needy to her. She's given me mixed messages in the past. She's made comments about me not always being an 'alpha male' type, but she's also said I was at times confident to a fault (this was a mixture of taking her for granted, having a sense of entitlement and a touch of arrogance when it came to having her as my wife), all of which I've done 180's on. As I'm writing this maybe her messages weren't mixed, maybe they were my perceptions of her messages and at the time may have been appropriate to expressing her feelings.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Your W is addicted to the feelings she experienced while in the A with OM. Her attempts at working on her M might have been sincere, but she struggled at not contacting him.
I am very aware of this. She is also aware of the difference between limerence and the difference between the feelings one gets from a happy and healthy long term marriage. I will do my best to give her both.
DaddyLongShanks I've read many of your posts as well, thanks so much for taking the time.
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Those dopamine responses are real to her. Obviously if you could understand what's happening and help to change her reality so that you generate dopamine and oxytocin reactions in her.
The million dollar question. I thought of hiring a Biochemist and a time traveler to go back in time and extract my dopamine and oxytocin from my wife and then come back and secretly inject it into her while she slept. I'm half kidding
Seriously though, I will do everything I can to make that happen DLS.
fuanacdc Thanks for your input, I agree with your thoughts and comments. I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles. It certainly seems we have a lot in common. As soon as I get another minute I'll read through your sitch.
They are going to be generated by your presense and response to situations.
It seems like many of them who have been put into the LBS position, that the "no BS" approach is working the best.
Would you help your same sex friend who cut your throat with the assistance of some other person?
Still having a hard time reacting internally when W pulls back a little. She's a little withdrawn today. I asked her if everything was okay, she said she's stressed about a deadline she has for her business plan that's due on Friday(obviously understandable).
We haven't had a relationship talk since her "turning point" almost 2 months ago. Everything seems to be going well so I don't want to bring anything up, but I also don't want to make assumptions.
There's times when I want reassurance. I want her to tell me how much her feelings have changed since the BD almost 7 months ago. Her actions confirm this, but it would be nice to hear it ya know?
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Still having a hard time reacting internally when W pulls back a little. She's a little withdrawn today. I asked her if everything was okay, she said she's stressed about a deadline she has for her business plan that's due on Friday(obviously understandable).
Have you looked into Retrouvaille? If not, see if it's in your area anytime soon. I think your lack of trust in her is largely due to poor communication. She's not telling you much and you're not asking for fear you'll hear something you don't want to. From what I understand about Retro it focuses highly on communication. The issues you're expressing are things that are to be avoided in DB'ing, but they do need to be addressed in piecing.
Are you guys in MC? MC can be worthless or even harmful in DB'ing, but it can be valuable in piecing.
I looked into Retrouvaille but it isn't offered in our area.
The differences between DB'ing and piecing is something I'm looking for more clarification on. "Don't bring up R talk" is one of them.
We went to MC 8-10 times over a few months up until a couple months ago. When we explained where we were and W 'awakening', the MC basically said she thought 'we made it' and didn't need her anymore. My W agreed. MC said come back if we got stuck on anything.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Would you help your same sex friend who cut your throat with the assistance of some other person?
Sorry DLS, I'm not sure its because its Monday morning but you lost me on this one, could you explain?
Well if your husband was a female, would you allow your female buddy to betray you, put you in harms way and still go about loving them and hoping they come back?
