Bklyn Gratitude

[BklynMom]

Val your thoughts were so right on. I am not responsible for his feelings. I really just need to be myself and not worry about if being me effects him. Gosh I can't hear that kind of stuff enough.

I don't need to worry about whether or not he hates me. I don't have any control over his feelings.

Kg I thought your answers were very sweet and age appropriate I will definitely steAl some of them.

It's so sad that these are the talks we are have with our kids. Anyway just count our blessings.

[BklynMom]

Just wanted to update you guys and get some of this off my chest.

H return from his trip to see his parents with the girls Sunday. Apparently it was a long drive and they had to double back before they started even got started.

When they got back H did a couple of things that felt angry to me.

I had packed them a bag with juice boxes and some snacks. He returned the bag to me untouched and said he had already packed snacks. It was odd because they drove 5 hr Sat and 5 hrs Sunday, there is no way you could ever pack enough snacks for a trip like that.

Then he called me after he dropped of the girls to tell that they ate McDonalds while on the road. It was weird because I think he told me that because he know I would never give them fast food but it was like he was searching for a reaction from me.

He didn't get a reaction, nor would the old me have cared if they stopped of McD while on the road.

Then he asked me if he could come by with our 2 blue kitchen chairs which are the only pieces of furniture he took with him when he left. I said sure. He knows that I don't need the chairs and in fact don't even have room for any more chairs. It felt so petty and really hurt my feelings. It was like he was throwing them in face, like he can't even bare to look at these 2 stupid chairs because it reminds him of the terrible me.

I am not a horrible person. Nor was I a horrible wife. I am a regular woman with emotions and sometimes I did not act nicely.

Finally he emails me later that night to ask that he be removed my extended family's Christmas party email list. This made me laugh. First of all I didn't even notice that he was accidentally on this email chain but he must have been so annoyed over the past week seeing emails in which my aunts discussed the menu of our annual party. Too funny.

Any way this couple of little things left me feeling very sad inside.

I feel like I am being abused and I keep going back for me. He tells me he hates me and I want to run into his arms. I am sick. I need to move on.

Also this week some unpleasant lawyer letters going back and forth. My proposal says he can't have week day over nights once the kids are school age because it is too disruptive.

His Lawyer keeps saying that my H doesn't want to be relegated to being a every other weekend dad, yet he NEVER calls, he misses parent teacher night, got very angry the weekend I need him to cover me while I worked, went to Atlanta for work for 4 months a month after he moved out and "is going out of town" (aka vacation with OW) for over half of his Christmas break from work.

He is choosing to be a part time dad not me.

[job]

Are you documenting the times he is w/the children? It's something you need to think about doing just in case you need to have proof of his MIAs w/the children.

Oh, your h was really pissed and I think it's because of all the party emails going back and forth. He's angry at himself and the world. Unfortunately, you are the nearest to him so you are getting the brunt of his anger. Why doesn't he contact the person who is sending out the email list himself? You are not his mother or his secretary. He is a grown man, is he not? Then I would tell him to contact the person himself and walk away. I could just smack your h for being such a snotty PIA.

I know it's difficult, but please try not to take his actions or his words personally. He's in a very hateful, dark place right now and you are being sorely tested and emotionally abused by him. When he gets that way, cut the conversations short, hang up the phone or walk away. You do not deserve this behavior and until you set some boundaries, he will continue to do this. Take back your self respect.

[BklynMom]

I have been keeping a calendar for over a year. Its really simple cause the never calls and just comes every other weekend so the book keeping is simple.

Thank you so much for your support snodderly it means a lot.

The path I have chosen for now is the one of least resistance, he can spew whatever and I do my best to ignore and move on.

I don't need to teach him how to grow up.

I do agree that I should get more boundaries but those will come with time.

Thanks again all, you have know idea how much I need to come to these boards for my own survival

[Valeska19]

BM,
Sorry you had a rough holiday weekend. Looks like you handled it like a champ. He will continue to push your buttons, he will continue to come up with his own opinions of you.

Unfortunately you cannot change this or stop this process from happening. Be your best true self and maybe one day he will see it.

I feel like I am being abused and I keep going back for me. He tells me he hates me and I want to run into his arms. I am sick. I need to move on.

You will get there. I was told where the head goes the heart follows.. and it's so true.

Plus the more your realize YOUR self worth - the less you want to move back towards him. The more you see people fighting to be and stay in your life, they less you will care that he doesn't.

It will all happen... in it's own time.

You just keep detaching with love and attacking every hurdle they way you have. When this is all over - you will be glad of the path you've chosen.

((( )))

[job]

You've learned the art of detaching. It takes a while to learn how to do that and ignore his spewing.

You are absolutely correct...you don't need to teach him how to grow up. He has to do that all by his lonesome self and it's going to take some time for that to sink in w/him. He does need to learn to respect you and that's where you will do so w/the boundaries that you set as time moves along.

This board was my lifeline many, many years ago. I know exactly how you feel.

[BklynMom]

Thanks Val and snodderly

Just logged on to check in after a busy morning I got stuck on the coach all afternoon, skipped yoga class and ate a pint of chocolate haagen das. Now I am feeling bad about myself.

Writing these words are making me realize how normal my behavior is.

Called the girls to say good nite and d4 refered to her bed at his house as her bed. I am being a cry baby and am sad that she doesn't just have one home.

But I am grateful

I have two healthy smart and beautiful girls.

I have wonderful parents and a sister who have really come through for me.

I am financially secure

I have wonderful friends

I am blessed

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK))))

Our sitchs sound very similar. My H has no intention of being a weekend dad either. But where is he? Oh that's right. Something better came up. Just like it has come up every weekend for the past year.

And your H just wants to prove that he can handle the girls without your help (ie the snacks). I know because mine is the same way.

One day it will get easier. Keep up the good work!

[justjudy]

BM I just wanted to drop by and say Hi and thanks for being the first to post on my thread in Newcomers.

I read your thread here and I am so impressed with your detachment. I am finding that the hardest - like you say H is spewing at me and I just want to run into his arms because thats where I have always felt safest.

And the stuff with the kids is just heartbreaking. Mine are 17 & 10 and each struggle in their own way with their dads decisions and behaviours. He has been pretty good about keeping to a schedule with D10 - every other weekend from the Thursday night. I thought having to do the whole school thing Thursday and Friday was a good idea when a friend suggested it - stops him from just getting weekend fun time, instead has to pack a lunch, get to school on time, and keep up with homework etc - actually be a parent in other words. He struggles with it and I work hard not to rescue him.

Anyway I am inspired by your attitude and will keep stopping by

[BklynMom]

Huge accomplishment yesterday. I hooked up my DVD player all by myself and operated the whole system via remote. AMAZING!! Come on ladies I know you are impressed.

Just thought I would update. Girls & I have been moving forward with our lives and have been loving life. My job is coming to an end next week but it was such a great experience for me working full time again and hanging out with other peeps (including men) not just moms in the neighborhood. I have a new level in confidence in myself.

Divorce is moving forward with lawyers, I try to stay out of it as much as possible. My father is my lawyer so I trust that he has the best interest of the kids in mind. I know its not recommended to use your father as your lawyer but it has worked wonderfully for me. I feel very fortunate.

H continues to be very very angry at me. He still does not express his anger but in manifests in his lack of responses and his inability to participate in his kids lives because he is so angry.

Our D2 participated in a very cute local event and I emailed him the video. No response. It was odd. Seriously this is the cutest video you have ever seen and it was kind of a big deal so I thought that Dad would want to see it,.. but nothing no comment. I sent it to his parents as well and they thanked me and told me it was cutest thing they have ever seen.

Also I emailed him a week or two ago asking him what he thought about getting flu shots for the girls. I get very confused by the holistic people saying no vaccines and traditional medicine saying protect the kids, so I need help doing what is right for our girls. He replied "I don't know anything about flu shots so do what you think is best"

H relationship with his girlfriend is still some what a secret. Although he called me to tell me he had a girlfriend 4 months many of our mutual acquaintance don't know he is going out with someone. In general I don't mention it unless someone asks me, which is usually in the form of "Oh so why did you separate, does he have a girlfriend"

From what I know of his girlfriend she considers herself a respectable woman and not a home wrecker. i think both my STBX and she thought 1 1/2 yrs after he left home no one would "judge" them for being together but the fact is most of our acquaintances are in shock that he has left me & our girls.

The best advice that I received early on, on these boards was be the woman only a fool would leave. I was faking it for months. Forcing myself to take lessons, go out on Saturday nights and other GALisms, today I feel like I am that person only a fool would leave. I look great, I feel (mostly) great. Great things are happening in our lives, like D2 minor celebrity event - my STBX is a fool.

It still hurts sometimes because I love him dearly. But I count my blessings.

I am proud for showing my girls another way to deal with difficulties with grace and dignity. I believe these events will make me a better mom in the years to come.

I come to these boards all the time to remember that I am not alone, that there are others that are dealing with this same struggle, and that the solution is taking the high road and not letting anger get the best of me.