My Fears in GALing

[newman7977]

Journaling:

Went to IC this morning. It all went great and he validated that I'm in the right path considering the circumstances. I think he's a good counselor but some of his advice are not in lined with DBing so I had to weed them out and filter what is in line with DBing. He was more on my side of things and at some point I had to explain my Ws position. I thought about explaining to him the WAW syndrome, but I only had an hour in session.

I felt that I am one step ahead as far as his expectations as to how I'm handling myself and my reactions through this sitch. He seemed surprised. That I give props to the folks here in DB board, you guys rock! I'm really glad I found this site.

Couple of notes from Ws behavior, she seemed curious about my IC. She mentioned it last night and this morning she told me "good luck" on my session. She seem nice to to replying to my text about the traffic on my drive to work. I won't read into it I'll take it as it is.

Newman

[GALbaby]

Well done Newman. We do "rock"! Without this page I don't think I would not even be close to the progress I've made.

[newman7977]

Journaling:

I don't know what has gotten to me last night but I ended up reverting to some of my old self. This is on the drive home from BILs get together. Some moron decided he can just owns the road and decided that drivers should get out of his way. Well I didn't and this sparked some argument with me and my w. I missed out on my 180, and now just regretting my actions from last night. O well we live and learn, so my next 180 is the car ride, make it pleasant as possible.

I have also nicely asked W to put back her wedding ring. And explained, consider putting it back on, for the sake of our vows, and that we are still married afterall. I also told her that she will have plenty of time to remove later if our M doesn't work out. She said ok.

Just a little venting here, I'm getting frustrated that I'm the only one initiating physical contact with W. I know there shouldn't be any expectations and I got to keep reminding myself. Last night at the gathering, it was so awkward to see the couples so loving with each other. I guess I was somewhat jealous or bitter, I don't know just my emotions last night. It was a rough night to DB last night, and yesterday I saw some of the old me.

The good thing is I recognized them. And I can improve and try to DB Again today.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journaling:

No major updates since my last post, well up until Friday. I ended up taking a different route on my way home because I had to put gas. As I was waiting to turn right I noticed on the other side of the street parked, the same car as my W and realized that it was W's car. I saw my W inside the car but couldn't make out what she was doing. It was dark and I know she was not on the phone.

So I decided to park and text her. She lied on her response cause I know she's a block away from the house. I waited about 10 mins and left and went on to the gas station. When I returned about 15 mins later she wasn't there anymore. I know she stayed there at least 10 mins.

I got home and I asked her why she lied. It was not fighting or mad tone but it was a disappointed tone from me. She finally said that she was sitting there crying, she's depressed to come home, she's scared to come home, she's sad to come home, and that she doesn't want the kids to see her like that. She started crying.

We got into R talk and the convo was like this:

W - I'm so depressed

me- why do you feel depressed?

W - because I feel like I wreck your life, the kids and the OM's life.

me - I'll be honest with you, what you put me through hurts and I'm working to forgive you, but you got to forgive yourself too. You didn't wreck any of our lives. You didn't wreck mine or the OM. I will deal with my life you can not control that. OM made his decisions as well and that's on him. Don't put yourself on all of the blame.

W - I dont know I feel so lonely. I can't love you I don't know how to get those feelings. I'm a terrible person.

W - I don't know how to feel that love again. I have so much resentment towards you. We wasted 18 yrs of our lives!

me - You don't have to be lonely, I'm here. But you are not letting me in your life. I'm giving you space. The things you complaint about our marriage--you re-wrote our history. I have a different recollection, I remember us being happy. Sure I was guilty of going back to school to get a better career, you going back to get higher education, both of us working full time, we bought a house. Thought the kids were grown, then we started over again with the surprise of S3. Sure it took away from us, but why is that so bad? Everything we did was for the family! And is still is. We have a beautiful family, 3 gorgeous children, a home. Take ownership, if you want to be sad and cry do it--you can do it at your house, if you don't want the kids to see you go in the bedroom. You shouldn't have to be scared to come home. It's not too late we can still do those things as a couple together.

me - but you have to forgive me, you have to forgive yourself. Stop blaming me. Take your part of your fault too in our marriage. It's 50/50 you have to recognize that to move on. You have to let me in your life again.

me - listen I know i can't control your life, i can't control your decision. If you choose to pursue OM that's up to you but I'm not going to be part of THAT. If you want to be the 3rd wheel in his marriage go for it--I'm not gonna stand on your way. But I hope you have more self respect than that. You are smart, you're a strong willed person. Be truthful to yourself. Just let me know so I can get closure. I have accepted the terms either way. I haven't felt your love for a long time, it is almost 2 years since all this happened. I have my needs too, right now everything is about you -I ask how's your day at work and you share. I tell you my day at work you don't share interest and you don't care. I'm tired, I want to be able to share my life with someone, someone who will care that I exist. I want to be loved just like you. So why do you stay? why give me false hope?

W - because you asked me before--don't you want your family? Do you want to lose your family? I don't I'm scared but I don't want to lose my family or you.

me - I'm glad you recognize that. Listen no one says life is easy. Others have it worst than others. Our sitch, compare to others is not so bad. But we have to cope. You have to focus on yourself, you ask yourself, how can W be a better mom? how is W be a better wife? how is W be a better person? You don't have to stay in the bedroom and be depress..join us in the living room with your kids. You don't need OM to be happy, happiness comes from within you--you make yourself happy.

It ended there. I gave her the advise, that I learned from here about saving yourself. I thought that it applies too. About focusing on yourself to be better. I just don't know what else to tell her. she's depress...What do you tell a depress person?

I wanted to give her a hug and care for her but I didn't feel like pursuing.

I might've went too far as far as giving my opinion about our R. But this is what I feel now. I'm fighting back now--I really am tired. I'm tired of not being be able to share my life with her. Im tired of initiating contact. I'm ready to love and receive love. I have truly changed to be a better father. I recognize my fault as a husband. If she gives me a chance I will show her that I am a better choice. But I'm not going to take all the blame anymore.

May 2013 marks two years of all of this. I will re-assess then, I don't know if I can go longer than that. I think if this sitch is in the same state. I might even file. I just don't want to stay in a loveless one way marriage anymore.

Today Saturday, she stayed with us longer in the living room. She didn't just sulk in the MBR. She even read with S3. She watched tv with us. All 5 of us together, watching tv.

Sorry for the length of this post. Let me know what you guys think. Is it me or a bit of MLC is in her??

Newman

[newman7977]

Been a while since I posted. As the days went on, I find it less and less to post. Especially that the sitch feels stuck in limbo. I still read on this site though to find gems that applies to my sitch.

I'm posting today because I really need the strength to give this a few more months perhaps.

Like I mentioned, the sitch feels stagnant, feels like its not moving anywhere. My W still doesn't feel any love for me. The affair fog is too thick i think. She says she cut all contacts with him but I have my doubts. She's trying though to get back the feelings for me but her actions doesn't really support that. I think her way of trying is being with me. She is there physically but her spirit, mind and heart is not. I don't know, it's hard to explain.

So I'm really contemplating on shifting the sitch. Somewhere I read on here about parallel paths. I think Denver said it early on my sitch that W needs to follow her path.

I hate to admit this but I think, I have to let her go. And to really go our separate ways and if really meant to be, we will find each other again.

It just feels like I'm caging her to be in this marriage. I feel she has to stick it out only because of the kids and her sister advise her to. I believe she has to come back on her own to really commit to our marriage.

Don't get me wrong the sitch have some positives. But for the most part it's still the same as when she dropped the INILWY bomb back in May 2011.

So the only undecided part is to drop the rope in January 2013 or wait for the 6 months since the last EA in March 2013.

Maybe in those 2 months something magical will happen?? I keep waiting for this though and nothing happens, it's been almost 2 yrs now.

So what have I done? I've 180 my a$$ off, I know I could've Gal more but there was always something to do in our weekends. My GALs were with my kids and exercising. I've focused on myself and the kids. The other day my W even mentioned that I've become the husband she'd always wanted--but her tone was a little too late. This is the best I've become, anything more will be fake. I've become a better man and better dad. I truly believe this and the changes are real, but a better husband? I don't know because i haven't given a chance.

Detaching, well I've failed in detaching. I thought I did but last 2 days proved I'm still not detached.

I could use your 2x4s here if I'm making a big mistake. But from what I've read on successes here, some major shift had to happen before anything changes in their sitch. Like in Denver's sitch, up until he was done and ready to really move on that the sitch changed. And Sandi, she had an epiphany and found this site and the support she found here helped lift the fog.

I realize that this separation might push my W to OM, or she might never come back. I really don't see any difference because that's how it feels now. I spend a lot of time with the kids, I go out with them hang out with them in the house. W practically spent the thanksgiving holiday shopping. She cooked thanksgiving dinner and she joined us sat for dinner. And for the most part I was alone with the kids. I love it though and they are the reason that keeps me going.

Yesterday W and I spoke a bit of the sitch, and somehow I ended up saying this is not a marriage and she agreed. Her demeanor is close to what someone would've done when one have given up and on this case on her happiness and she's just stuck in this M. The problem is that she truly believes this, and that she truly believe that she missed out on her chance for happiness.

Part of the DB process is to try something different right? If what is being done is not working, try something else...I feel like living in the same roof is not working. We've been at it since 2011. I'm still here with W in the same roof, I'm still the blame, she's not having the opportunity to miss me and the family. I think I have to remove myself from her so she will realize its not all me to blame.

I feel like even if she turns around now and commit to our R, wouldn't she have that thought in her head that she missed out on OM or the happiness of being single and not tied down to anyone? I mean for how long can she commit? So in couple of years she's back in his arms??? Is there a success here where the couple stayed in the same roof and salvage the marriage?

That's why I think she has to go on her path to find out if the grass is really green on the other side and if she chooses me then great. Will I take her back? I don't know, I guess it will depend on how bad she wants to be back.

I feel like I'm stopping this change that has to happen. I could be wrong in all of this but at this moment this is how I feel I'm just being honest.

It would've been easier if I can just live in a loveless marriage for the kids. But even that, what kind of example is that showing the kids about love? Now they see me and W with no affections, no love--what kind of an example is that? In their future lives, I hope we haven't mess them up on their future relationship.

Well this is a mess! How did this happen?! But here we are. I'm waiting for a miracle, a sign from God. I pray for all of us here in our sitchs. This place is sad but at the same time heaven sent for people who are willing to help. I thank you all!

DB might've not save my marriage, but it sure did saved me.

So sorry for the looooong post..and if my thoughts are all over the place.

I appreciate your thoughts and thanks for reading.

Newman

[lostsoul13]

NM77

Some LBS can wait for years, some months, some weeks..its up to you decide how much you can take before you felt you did enough.

At some point the LBS has done as much as he/she could. Nobody wants to give up but as LBS, we can't control our spouses thought process. We can however set them free and once free they can decide if they really want us or not.

[Denver_2010]

You're on the right track newman. Remember that you can do this without filing for D. You simply walk away and remove yourself as an option for your W. It may push her closer to OM. But like you said, that may already be happening. And if they aren't having contact, it is pretty clear that he is still in her head, preventing her from committing to her M to you.

I would suggest that you begin by detaching. Then cut the cord. I went cold turkey in May, but that was also after 18 months of loveless limbo. I naturally got to the point where I threw my hands up and was just suddenly DONE.

Once you do it, you cannot waver in your position. She MAY move closer to you as she feels your loss. Don't fall for it. If there is a true change in her heart, you will feel it... you will KNOW it. Trust me on that. My W falsely turned multiple times before it happened for real. The difference in what I felt was dramatic. Hard to explain.

Lastly, if you do this, you have to be prepared that this may be the end of your M. Don't do it until you are prepared to accept that.

Good luck.

Denver

[Ready2Quit]

Newman, I am right there with you. We live in the same house but really what kind of marriage do we have. The kind of example we are showing the kids, I will tell you this, my S17 has been having problems with his girlfriend, so they are "taking a break" from each other, I found out yesterday that he is "talking" to another girl in his class. The problem is he is doing more then talking, I saw two text messages one to his gfriend that says I love you, the other to other girl, which I can't say what he said. So he has learned from his father that it is ok to cheat. He learned from me, that nothing will happen to you when you do and get caught. How sad.

[newman7977]

NM77

Some LBS can wait for years, some months, some weeks..its up to you decide how much you can take before you felt you did enough.

LS13, thanks, yes totally understand we are all different to what we can take. I personally don't think I can go another year of this limbo.

You're on the right track newman. Remember that you can do this without filing for D. You simply walk away and remove yourself as an option for your W. It may push her closer to OM. But like you said, that may already be happening. And if they aren't having contact, it is pretty clear that he is still in her head, preventing her from committing to her M to you.

I would suggest that you begin by detaching. Then cut the cord. I went cold turkey in May, but that was also after 18 months of loveless limbo. I naturally got to the point where I threw my hands up and was just suddenly DONE.

Once you do it, you cannot waver in your position. She MAY move closer to you as she feels your loss. Don't fall for it. If there is a true change in her heart, you will feel it... you will KNOW it. Trust me on that. My W falsely turned multiple times before it happened for real. The difference in what I felt was dramatic. Hard to explain.

Lastly, if you do this, you have to be prepared that this may be the end of your M. Don't do it until you are prepared to accept that.

Good luck.

Denver

Yep I'm near that point Denver, I'm waiting for that time where I would say "Im DONE" for sure, I know I'm getting there. I'm gathering the strength and I think that's the best way for either closure or reconciliation, is to go our separate ways and let her go her path. That, I would know for sure if my W decide to come back there will be no doubt about the OM or no doubt about what she wants. I just hope I'm available then.

I realize also that this could be the end and I want to make sure I'm prepared for this, at this point I feel that I am, but I'll think this through the month of December and see what pans out.

In the meantime I'll also focus on the kids to have the best holidays for them.

Newman, I am right there with you. We live in the same house but really what kind of marriage do we have. The kind of example we are showing the kids, I will tell you this, my S17 has been having problems with his girlfriend, so they are "taking a break" from each other, I found out yesterday that he is "talking" to another girl in his class. The problem is he is doing more then talking, I saw two text messages one to his gfriend that says I love you, the other to other girl, which I can't say what he said. So he has learned from his father that it is ok to cheat. He learned from me, that nothing will happen to you when you do and get caught. How sad.

Couldn't agree more Ready. This is sad indeed to see our kids mirror our every move. It just unconsciously they react because this is what they see IMO.

With my kids, I'm not too worried about D17, she kind of gets it that mom and dad are having difficult time. But s13 and especially s3, they don't see loving parents, they're growing up and see that in marriage there's no affections, they don't see mom and dad hug or kiss. I'm so sorry my kids are going through this (and all the other kids affected by D for that matter), I really am. But you know, as a parent I'll make sure I'm there for my kids. What I learned and changed from my sitch I recognize now and will guide them through in the future.

thanks guys,
newman

[newman7977]

Ok so in the spirit of giving. What is the consensus on the DB boards on giving gifts to their WAS' for Christmas?

Last year in my begging/pleading/pursuing days, I gave my W an upgraded wedding ring--only to find myself returning it 2 days later. I just don't want to make the same mistake.

But I know I can't just wake up Christmas morning without any gift to the mother of my children. We are still together afterall despite of possibility of cutting the rope in a month or two...

I used to buy multiple gifts, I'm thinking this year, I'm not going overboard and just get her something practical like a purse. Looks like what she's been using has been beaten up.

Thoughts?

Newman