Hey KLB, sorry to see you here, but our sitches have a lot in common. I actually told H to leave because he wasnt happy and said he didn't love me. We have been in a LDM (long distance marriage) for the past four years though, with him only home on weekends. He said he was done, but I said I wanted to try. Recently found out he had been lying and has been seeing someone for "a couple of weeks". But like you, I wonder how long, since there were changes before he "left".
But other than those differences, my emotional state and ML status are the same as yours and I am sure H did not feel attractive or loved or valued.
I was doing very well until I found out about OW and must say that threw me. For me it is the lying, because I don't lie.
Anyway, keep up the DBing and look at everyone's advice and sitches, they are helpful. You are still civil, so that is good
Don't bring up R and find something fun (IE GAL) to do.
Ms Rubytuesday, i'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It truly sounds like a sort of purgatory.
I find the lying fascinating. At this point, why still hide? Unless it is out of shame and fear that it will be held against them in some way.
My kicker is she slept with him in Nov.'11 and asked me to get a vasectomy about the same time. I got it in Jan. something poetically unjust there. I wish she would have told me before I was snipped. I did it so she could go off the pill. But then she didn't use a condom when she slept with him. So - I dont know.
What amazing creatures we are. How do we feel and fear ourselves into such distorted versions of ourselves.
Here's to unravelling ourselves and hopefully helping our spouses do the same.
I hosted my girls at my rather spartan pad for the first time this weekend. They are 5 and 2 and are both amazingly kind and loving girls. I am truly blessed to have them.
Of course, this was also the weekend I found out about (confirmed) my wife's affair, so I was jumble of heartbreak. But I realized that my wife is really doing the best she can. She is struggling.
I dropped off the girls' weekend stuff at the house after taking them to school. My wife was there. She looked a mess. I don't mean that critically. She just looked tired and had a very hard time looking at me in the eye.
As I looked at her, I just loved her. Not in a sappy way, but in the way I wish someone would look at me as I flounder in my emotional mess. We are in many ways a reflection of each other right now. While the hurt is in both of us, I feel so much happier if I just focus on the love I have for her. Though hugging and kissing and loving words are not an option right now, I can still love her with my actions and attitude. I'm focused on this approach right now.
It makes me feel better and that is a good thing, right?
It really struck me today how deeply I've been in MY mess. I know I am half of the problem in my marriage, but what is easiest to blame my wife for her response to our problem.
Once again, my Dad's wisdom comes to mind. He always said, "when you can't change a situation, change how you respond to the situation." In other words work on your self.
Finding out about my wife's affair has actually helped me find calm. Something I havent felt in months. My wife is out of my hands. So now is time to control myself.
Today I asked a mutual friend of my W and I to write a letter saying that I am a good father. My divorce attorney wants to have testimonials just in case things go really South.
The friend was really upset that it would some how put her in the middle of the divorce. She said that my wife is her best friend (though my wife has never said that about her) and she didn't want to betray her. I told her that she wasn't betraying her and that she could write a letter telling what a great mother my wife is.
She said that she really resents being put in the middle of us. That it is really hard knowing what to do.
I felt like saying, "I'm sorry my divorce is making your life so difficult!"
I told my wife that my lawyer requested letters of testimony regarding my fathering skills and demeanor. And She got pissed. Obviously afraid that I was trying to counter sue for custody - or something. I'm afraid I don't quite understand the terms.
I simply told her that I think she is a good mother and that my priority is my family. And that means making sure my daughters have a mother and a father in their lives, who actively participate and are present. I explained that the lawyers told me to get these letters because I will be presented to the judge at some point they want to show me in the best light. But that I won't allow the lawyers to play tricks on her or try to pull the family apart.
He also tells me to agree with her - tell her she is right - no matter what.
I like the DB approach better, and that is not to agree or disagree, but rather to validate her emotions. So if she says she's angry at you for XYZ, you don't argue, reason, explain, justify, agree or disagree. You just say "You do sound angry about XYZ, I can understand why you feel that way."
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I am still wrapping my head around the DB approach and what to do.. My problem is I don't know quite where to start with my wife at this point. She is very suspicious of me and my intentions.
Of course she is, and that's why we're constantly telling people that this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. You've got to commit to the long haul. Your W needs to see CONSISTENT changes and see them over a long period of time (months) before she'll start to believe you've really changed.
Thinking about the issues yesterday with my W. It reminds me of how very scared she is. I can understand. She has really put herself in a tough position. She's lied, cheated and broken up her family.
As much pain as I am feeling, she must be feeling more.
I've taken my old friends advice to mean very much what you describe as the DB approach.
My wife and I haven't talked about our relationship or marriage since the day I moved out. We talk about the girls and about projects that she is working on (she works for me, in my office) but nothing really personal.
We are coming up on 3 months now. I work very hard to be happy and confident around her. I've started going out with people, attending events and actually feeling a stronger connection with people than I have in my whole life. Which is great, because it makes acting happy more like being happy.
I am know a t the place that I see it is going to be a long time before she and I are together.
I went home tonight. My wife has her AA meeting on Wednesdays, so I watch the girls and spend the night while my wife sleeps at a friends.
I was running late due to terrible traffic. When I walked in the door, my wife, needing to leave so she wouldnt be late, threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug good-bye. It felt so nice. So much like things used to when we were happy.
I know she did it more out of old habit, but it does make me wonder how deep her anger toward me is and if there might not be hope afterall. But if she asked me back tomorrow, I don't think I would go. I'm enjoying this time to focus on myself and my growth. I would go on a date with her, but not jump back in. I figure if I have a chance at saving this marriage, I have only one chance. And I'm not going to screw that up.
