hey hi- just blipping in to say hi. I see in your last above post that you say both that you need to start doing things towards the future - and should you stick with "what works".
i'm thinking if you have identified your dbing or whatever you're doing as "working" - why you'd change it? I'm not saying don't think over the future - i do allll the time. the more i do- the less i "fear" it. (for want of a better way to put it all). ' i do "fear" a bit livng alone and letting go of my life's plan & "vision" of my future as i've known it for past 35 years - . romantic me - crazy me! apparently too.
oh well huh? anyway- i'd say thinking about the future in the sense of what you'd like, what's missing and would could be better (about a possible mate- h and you) is what we're supposed to be doing - no?
i'd also think the things you do for you- like find a job if you see yourself as needing to get the heck out of the house (like me) - make a new circle of friends - meet people & be around them - keep occupied so you don't think- a job would provide a day load of "structure" and i think i lack that at home. toooo big of a job- - - - houses & yards & millions of "chores" - a job might refine it all and make it more "bite size chunks" - rather than contempleting IT ALL.
extra savings are never a bad thing- ALSO - one gets alot more positive feedback at a job than at home when you accomplish something- at home it's just more of the same and allllll "your job".
one tiny step forward at a time is still a step forward. Grasshopper- "the journey of a thousand miles beings with the first step". sort of thing.
anyway- hope your day is good. i was pretty whiney last nite- we head to nj in a couple days- always hate packing and leaving & changing life & place.
mess & a muddle - i can't begin to figure it out and no where near knowing "what's the right thing". for me, us, h or whatever.
when i read db and about how "there's nothing we can do to make it begtter - but a whole lot we can do to make it worse" - and i try and stfu and just wait for tomorrow. maybe somethign -
i don't know anything this morni g-
so hi and hope your day is good and i'm gone ! packing, tidying, etc
read db and about how "there's nothing we can do to make it better - but a whole lot we can do to make it worse" - and i try and stfu and just wait for tomorrow
Yea, that's all I do with H now. Try to do all of my own business, stay out of his, look busy when I may not be, even make up yard work I've done cause it's easy fake. Just stay FU and Shut Up, though it's easier these days, I'm so over it, bored by it, even think how ridicules it is.
My h still says the same stupid stuff about his life being nothing, he "wants" to be a workaholic, he want's to work himself to death, blah blah. It's really to the point that I laugh about how stupid this is all to me, how he's all talk with nothing to say.
His friends are telling him to leave his family because he's abusing us and he says "no, I'm not leaving my family, I'm doing this for my family" for a bigger house, blah! They tell him maybe your family would love it more just to have you back in their lives, he doesn't understand human need for love or affection, especially from him.
So he went from an extrem point of not wanting to live here or even be married, to "I'm not leaving you" but he's not working anything out or talking over our R. He's apologized several times now for EVERYTHING, especially that I am taking the full attacks of his new attitude.
So, I thought maybe he's in a new stage, like maybe the beginning of acceptance without change. So that doesn't work for me, I don't like him, I do think everyday about what I'm missing. I miss saying ILY, hearing it, feeling it, and making it!
I bought new Pj's and pillows today's, my two favorite things in life. Then I found my imported can of coco back in the cabinet, the first thing that came to mind was a cold night in Pj's making two cups of coco and sharing the moment with someone I love. I saw him as loving, quiet, patent, attentive, and content to be with me, just me, because he love's me and appreciates what I bring to his life. It wasn't my H.
It is h in a sense that he does believe that I bring a better world to his life, he says he would be crazy to leave me, but it doesn't move him to feel he deserves me or do what it takes to hold on to me, like get a C, work on his anger, stop talking to ea/ow.
Now am I cheating - that whole if your mind wonders your already sinning? I really want a new love, I can't live off of good memories for someone in front of me that I don't recognize.
With my new attitude my eye's are letting me see what's out there. I find myself thinking "everyone" is so good looking these days, even telling D18 how I would like ''someone like that"! I wish I had a date for Christmas Eve just to smile and feel the warmth of the night over that hot chocolate, minus the P's, for now
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
read db and about how "there's nothing we can do to make it better - but a whole lot we can do to make it worse" - and i try and stfu and just wait for tomorrow
Yea, that's all I do with H now. Try to do all of my own business, stay out of his, look busy when I may not be, even make up yard work I've done cause it's easy fake. Just stay FU and Shut Up, though it's easier these days, I'm so over it, bored by it, even think how ridicules it is.
My h still says the same stupid stuff about his life being nothing, he "wants" to be a workaholic, he want's to work himself to death, blah blah. It's really to the point that I laugh about how stupid this is all to me, how he's all talk with nothing to say.
His friends are telling him to leave his family because he's abusing us and he says "no, I'm not leaving my family, I'm doing this for my family" for a bigger house, blah! They tell him maybe your family would love it more just to have you back in their lives, he doesn't understand human need for love or affection, especially from him.
So he went from an extrem point of not wanting to live here or even be married, to "I'm not leaving you" but he's not working anything out or talking over our R. He's apologized several times now for EVERYTHING, especially that I am taking the full attacks of his new attitude.
So, I thought maybe he's in a new stage, like maybe the beginning of acceptance without change. So that doesn't work for me, I don't like him, I do think everyday about what I'm missing. I miss saying ILY, hearing it, feeling it, and making it!
I bought new Pj's and pillows today's, my two favorite things in life. Then I found my imported can of coco back in the cabinet, the first thing that came to mind was a cold night in Pj's making two cups of coco and sharing the moment with someone I love. I saw him as loving, quiet, patent, attentive, and content to be with me, just me, because he love's me and appreciates what I bring to his life. It wasn't my H.
It is h in a sense that he does believe that I bring a better world to his life, he says he would be crazy to leave me, but it doesn't move him to feel he deserves me or do what it takes to hold on to me, like get a C, work on his anger, stop talking to ea/ow.
Now am I cheating - that whole if your mind wonders your already sinning? I really want a new love, I can't live off of good memories for someone in front of me that I don't recognize.
With my new attitude my eye's are letting me see what's out there. I find myself thinking "everyone" is so good looking these days, even telling D18 how I would like ''someone like that"! I wish I had a date for Christmas Eve just to smile and feel the warmth of the night over that hot chocolate, minus the P's, for now
Reding this for some reason let me think about the lies and exuses a WAS uses to themself and others to validate themself and to continue on without any guilt.
We need to have a greater respect for how self focsed they are and the internal protection mechanisms that they have in play. And understand this is why all the stuff that we used to think should "logically" work, doesn't work.
We need to have a greater respect for how self focsed they are and the internal protection mechanisms that they have in play. And understand this is why all the stuff that we used to think should "logically" work, doesn't work.
I really do see how focused he is...it's what scares me into believing that this is truly his path, they way he is going to continue, because he is so intense and adamant.
I do respect that he has at least found something in himself to make him feel like he has a purpose. I don't understand it, how it doesn't involve the kids and I at all, except to financial take care of us (h said his L is measured by how much $$$ he makes).
I care for him enough to start letting him go. Believe me...I have let go alot...he has even commented on how I'm acting way beyond how any other wife would.
He hasn't met all of you great S of DB!!!!!
I just wish his way of going about life, and the purpose he was feeling was logical and in a healthy way.
So then there's me...I'm what's left behind...it's all about were do I go...what do I want! I want love...and all of the above!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
sharing the moment with someone I love. I saw him as loving, quiet, patent, attentive, and content to be with me, just me, because he love's me and appreciates what I bring to his life. It wasn't my H.
i know- are they in there or not? the 50 million dollar question. i don;t know anymore - and im not too sure abuot too much still.
Quote:
I can't live off of good memories for someone in front of me that I don't recognize.
yeah- me too - it's rather icky & pathetic. this guy goes around being nice and acting like it's everyday life as usual. i act the same- i don;t like it tho. i don't like this person either- i don't forget his underlying callous-ness - or dishonesty with both himself & ME . oh well
where it all leads? God alone knows i guess-
i've got soo much packing & junk to do- i'd better get real here. have a great day- i think it's nice that your mind can appreciate other men and even think about it and a future with someone else. it's normal and healthy i also think. i'm not there yet- wonder if i ever will be.
i think love makes life tolerable & good- if it's out there we all should try for it. my buddy gay ray says we don't even have to worry about it- "love finds you". so fingers crossed and i sure hope so.
I really do see how focused he is...it's what scares me into believing that this is truly his path, they way he is going to continue, because he is so intense and adamant.
my h too- is is so blindly "stuck" into his road he thinks he needs to be on. i can even see differences in his behavior or affection level when he's not paying attention. intellectually tho- he THINKS he HAS to be doing what he is-
i don't think he'll ever realize what it's doing to any r we may have had or memories or future- he's kiling it - delayed a bit by his being nicer now- but nevertheless- the ow thing is pretty much going to do us in. oh well- i did see that train screaming by me heading for the washed out track- sheriff- but i couldn't stop it??!!!
i'm outta here- before i get washed away in pointless land - tra la.
i think it's nice that your mind can appreciate other men and even think about it and a future with someone else. it's normal and healthy
intellectually tho- he THINKS he HAS to be doing what he is-
don't even have to worry about it- "love finds you". so fingers crossed and i sure hope so.
First of all - thank you for the validation - it's nice to hear that I am acting normal in such a crazy sad situation. I love that you wrote that, you made me smile.
They seem to know better, but mlc doesn't let them think right, the're still in that looking glass, no matter how intelligent they try to be, it seems to work toward their favor digging themselves deeper and deeper.
If they weren't such deep thinkers they might allow themselves to spontaneous be happy. I've actually seen h do this and then snap and real himself back.
L will find me, which ever way this goes, as well as you, we are great gals with alot to offer someone who's not guarded, but free to just be.
Thanks nero, you made me laugh, and your words were encouraging!
oooxx ((((((((nero)))))))))) Stay strong your doing so much better today!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Well I just had a melt down on the phone w/h, it's the resentment rising in me, making me explode do to an issue at home that I have to handle alone.
I cried, he listened, I even forgot my C appt. because of this, H apologized for that, he says it's the situation, at least he's trying to keep working to bring the money in to help out with the issue at home.
Having to go back off break H said he would call me later, he hasn't been home for steadily 2 weeks, off site on a gig. I have rather enjoyed it for the most part but today my S21 just road me a little to far.
Nobody saw me loose it but H on the phone. I long for co-parenting, I long for anything at this moment.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
H called me in the middle of the night saying he couldn't support me when he came home because coming home makes him feel like he's in a tomb.
HE went on to say he can be like this until he dies, he has no humanity in him, just work to keep him busy so he doesn't have to think. He thought I was trying to get his mind back on ''coming'' home, I said no!
I realize as he's saying all of this that I had no feelings, no emotion or love towards him, for him. He asked if he should leave because of S21, I said "you're the one making decisions for yourself these days.
He needs to be outside not allowed back with us until he can clearly see what his life is, was, could be, and then make a final choice where he's going to put his efforts in to make his life work.
He said the words ''accepting'' his situation. I knew he was going into that stage. Only he is accepting all the negative around him, all the anger he says has eaten up his goodness. I don't think this is going to be a success story! BRB
Just got off the phone with H (he called) on his lunch break. HE wanted to know how I was after last nights talk, because I was really ripping into him about the destruction he has left behind. I said I am not emotional anymore, I'm finding my strength to move forward.
I've read that some MLCers do settle into their new persona and stay there. I told him if he does that it would be such a waste of a great family and life he has, but I want more now so I wont settle.
All he keeps saying is this isn't against me, no anger or animosity against me, it's all against God, to see if he will finally show himself and intervene.
I will not join him in his spiritual battle, h or not, that's were I draw the line. Surprisingly though I am emotionally handeling this better than before, no self pity here, just still sad, but hopeful for a new turn.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
