Yes I think I just need to back off thinking about it...but in the meantime I think I screwed up thanksgiving!!! Good Grief!! here is the email I sent mil...Hi MIL! Thanks for the invitation...the girls are excited to come over; I will make sure they bring their aprons. I am planning on running the huffing for stuffing run but we will be available after that. You said" late afternoonish"...would that be around 1.30...Also the girls and I are planning to go swimming with some friends at Chico around 3:00ish..Please let me know what we can bring to contribute..Thanks again 7720...
here is the text I got from W... I am really diss apointed in you you knew I had plans on Thursday...Jerk
My response was I forgot and told MIL that we would be flexible...you must not have gotton that message...Truth is that I did not know when her party was I thought it was in the evening.......I am not sure why she has to have a private party on this day anyway; we had agreed with the girls counsler that we would keep the holidays the same for the sake of the girls....now I don't really want to bring them and have more stress for them...they are already stressed out...
well I sent this text to her " I just talked to MIL...I did not mean for my plans as an affront to you...I just did not want to be there all day and wanted to visit a friend who had no where to go for the holidays..If you saw email to MIL you would have understood better..sorry
I feel so milk toast....going to have to hit the punching bag tonight. On the plus side I think her reaction has helped me detach a little bit more...seeing her put her friends in front of family and children is what she does and I can see that she is not in a strong frame of mine if she is name calling and acting out this way...
Wow this might be progress...just got a text from W apologizing for the way she acted...saying she has been upset maybe because of the holidays and she jumped to conclusion....Also talked to d(11) and she said mom said she thinks I don't love her....I told her not to worry about it her mom is just real emotional right now...
Well did the Thanksgiving at the in-laws...and W was there when we got there...I was polite but did not try to engage my W very much...I like my IL's and talked to them very much...It was really nice of them to invite us...but I am glad it is over...now we have Christmas coming up. My W wonders if I am angry or sad but I am just distancing myself from her. She always ask me whats wrong...I say nothing not wanting to say "I am just distancing myself from you"
My W wonders if I am angry or sad but I am just distancing myself from her.
Something is wrong. This isn't the impression she should be getting. My guess is that you THINK you're not showing anger or sadness, but that you really are. Here is the impression she should be getting:
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
So show cheerfulness, happiness, contentment and be strong, outgoing and attractive. She is clearly NOT receiving this message. Ask yourself what about your behavior needs to change, and change it. She will not be attracted back to you unless you can get to this point.
Another comment, detachment is about pulling back, but it is not about ignoring your W or avoiding her when you're in the same room. It doesn't mean never talk to her. It means try to minimize contact, but when there is contact then be pleasant and outgoing towards her. Treat her like you would a friendly neighbor.
Yes AS thanks for the reminder I needed to hear that...I guess I do get a bit angry the week I have to give my kids up...they are not doing so great with it and W keeps saying to them I was hoping this would be easier by now....like they can just snap their fingers and be happy!
Yes AS thanks for the reminder I needed to hear that...I guess I do get a bit angry the week I have to give my kids up...they are not doing so great with it and W keeps saying to them I was hoping this would be easier by now....like they can just snap their fingers and be happy!
Yes, my W is struggling with this as well. I think she expected the kids to just coast on through it like nothing. I had shared with her what it was like for me and my brother when our parents got D'd and I read articles to her talking about the negative impact D has on kids. But like most WAS's, I'm sure she thought "well yeah, but MY kids are different." But over the weekend she started crying about it, seems she's realizing how much it's hurting them. It's been 2-1/2 months since she left and 5-1/2 months since BD and she's just now acknowledging the impact it's having on the kids.
Yes AS I see a lot of similarities in our W's....my W has a guy "friend" that is just a friend when I have asked her about him...This is my week off with the kids and I hate to admit it but this time I am really enjoying my time ....I am already scheduling football parties with friends.....I am not always this way sometimes I miss them a lot..but for now I will ride this wave...
just ran into W as I was dropping kids books of at her place; I was hoping not to see her..I have to meet some people tonight for the board that I am on and did not have time...she kept talking to me and I kept saying I have to go..she wants to come over and get her kiln...she wants to teach art at her house..pipe dream as a board member for a private school this is all regulated by the state etc you have to have a liscense and be inspected by the state and have insurance long story...
but how do you act if you are detached?...I know that when I was detached from a relationship in the past I just looked at that person as if they were a distant aquaintence. I can't be "best friends" with someone I was in a serious relationship with...just can't do it...
