I now it is (past) time to let him go. I did not anticipate it being so very difficult nor did I ever imagine that heartbreak truly, physically felt like your heart was breaking.
Yes, I will be "going dark" but not because I want him to miss me (although that would be a good side-effect) but because these last four months have been horrible. For someone who has led an independent life that illusion has been swept away.
The visit was hard. And thank you for ignoring the big backslide. Almost home and then I get the worst whammy - the OW is "fighting for us". I could vomit.
In her book, Susan Anderson describes this phase as "shattering" and it really is just that. And although I know that my actions were not the sole cause of this, they certainly played a big, big role in the demise of our relationship. Of course, given that they were mainly complaints that I did not act "couply" enough, there are no 180s I could do in any event.
And yes, time to put the focus back on me where it has not been for the last four months. Two small goals for the next two weeks: concentrate better at work before I get fired and start doing some more exercise and meditation for self-healing. If I am not feeling a bit better after Christmas, I will have to speak to my doctor about ADs but I would rather not to that route.
The funny thing is that most people do not know that this is killing me. I "act as if" all day. Maybe that is why I always feel so tired. So forgive me if I seem a little self-indulgent on this Board. Sometimes, I am tired of pretending.
Mrs., I turned the phone off and left it at home and probably will for the rest of the week. If it is here, I will constantly be waiting for contact so I have removed the temptation.
