WAS vs. LBS

[~ kd ~]

OK. You can change this up slightly, as you do this, but the theme must remain the same:

+ every day, tell your H that you understand he is frustrated, that you are as well, and that you will (not want to, WILL) work on building a new and better M, and that you appreciate his patience during this time as well as the time you have spent, together.

How would you say the above, in your words? Post it here, let us review it, and then the cleansed script will be what you say to your H, every morning, for two weeks.

You will NOT use that as an opportunity to get into a R discussion. If it comes up, you will be clear with your H that you are doing something new and different and that you simply want him to hear that statement from you, every morning.

[Crazyville]

Okay, I can do that. I don't really see anything wrong with the way YOU phrased it, except that we really haven't spent time together or it has been conflictual. Not sure that would sound sincere. Can I say the rest and leave that part off? Or substitute? Appreciate his time with S12 perhaps?

[Crazyville]

Just a few notes. H had a counseling session last night. He never offered anything up so I didn't ask. That's a big change for me, fyi.

He brought home a book from the library. I noticed it sitting in the foyer. S12 was up in the middle of the night not feeling well, so after I dealt with him I couldn't go back to sleep. I grabbed the book and spent some time reading it and it really caught my interest. It's called Boundaries in Marriage. I would once have said I had very good boundaries, but I've learned recently that what I really had was good principles but poor boundaries. I'm sure I still have work to do on them.

I thought about asking H if he wanted to go through it together. He's asked me a number of times before on other books but I've declined because he doesn't remember anything when we're done. But I would want to go through this myself anyway, and I think I could do it with no expectations from H. The benefit of my doing it would be mostly for me anyway, and residual for him.

I'm the type that will probably read through the book in the first few days. H might never read it or might stop after the third chapter. I would want to spend 3 hours a night together plowing through, while H would shut down after about 10 minutes. So if we do it together, I would have to let him drive the schedule of what, when, where, how long, etc.

If he agrees, which I suspect he will, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to offer to him in our discussions. He interprets everything I say as criticism. Not a far cry from the anger interpreted here, I suspect. So my plan is to keep rather "to myself" and just let him lead. That sounds really odd in the context of a joint study, but there's a couple million books out there that we could do after this one if it goes well. If I throw up all over him in the first few chapters, he won't likely want to continue or do another. So I have to figure out how to do that -- not put him off but not come off as uninvested.

What do you think? Should I ask him if he would like to do it?

[Soul.Searching]

That sounds like a great idea CV!

[AJM]

Yes, perhaps I am masochistic. Or as my C once said years ago, I am not masochistic, but may have some masochistic tendencies.

But I come back because I care. Because I see you trying to figure things out and struggling. I care, CV. I really do even if I cannot get the point I intended across, I do care. To be honest, I know as well as anyone, that my point is not important. And you'll "get it" when and if you're ready. I am not a professional and I am fallible, so it may also be that my point is unimportant. I'm aware that it is just my opinion and it is my hope that wrong, right, or otherwise, it is taken in the context of trying to be helpful (v.s. just telling you what you want to hear) and it helps you think and clarify. If so, then I feel I have contributed at least to helping you in your journey. I cannot ask for more than that.

I think it's a fine idea to go through that as well, for what it's worth. And I think letting him drive the schedule will help you both out immensely. I do highly suggest that you both commit to going through something like this, open and honestly, for at least 6 weeks.

I wish you well.

Peace,
AJ

[mamabird]

If your H is willing to do this, I say go for it. Set the ground rules ahead of time if you can, and see if you can hold him to them (gently). If he starts to waver, see if you can gently express your frustration. Remember your goal is to work on this with him, not drive him away. I can't wait to see how this goes!

[~ kd ~]

I'd go the other way and say that you should do the book separately.

So, your H can go through the book at his pace, you at your pace. As you feel you will go through it faster, you can let him know that you are open to HEARING his thoughts.

Regarding your boundaries, I have a suspicion that your own SELF control (at least, right now) is where your boundaries may be failing.

That said, your practice would be to allow him to share, without sharing your own thoughts or opinions on the book.

Try that as an ADDITION to your plan to greet him in the morning.

Regarding that, leave in the part about appreciating the time spent together. It may not sound relevant or even accurate or true. In fairness, the two of you have co-habited, so in many ways, you HAVE spent time "together". Let him form his own opinion on whether the two of you have or have not "spent time together".

[Crazyville]

Sorry, KD, your suggestion came in late.

Just a quick update as I have to run off to school. What I ended up doing was saying the above to him last night, less the item I had issue with. He said thanks, that it meant everything and gave him incentive to keep trying. I have to do it in the evening because I don't see him in the morning and didn't think text was appropriate.

I also asked him about the book and he said he would love to do it together. I already finished it but plan on going through it again. What a great book! I really feel like it screams to both his and my issues. I ordered one so I can mark it up with notes. I just left it up to him as to when/how to go about it.

I'll let you know how it goes...

[mamabird]

I'm hopeful for you both. You took a really great step by saying that to him.

Don't know if I agree that you should say it every day... you might sound like a broken record, but maybe if you just change up the language a little it might work.

[~ kd ~]

SBT, consistency. It is something that needs to be done every day so that it becomes a habit and also, that it becomes believable.

If it is not done consistently, then it appears to be (and ultimately is) a tactic, rather than a change.

You did great CV, in all aspects.

Make positive changes and keep the positive changes going.