My Security Blanket

[needgrace]

wow, dear busting, h is full of surprises, isn't he? isn't that interesting?

i wish j3b would stop by... i think he has such a great strategy for you and all of us and would love to hear his thoughts on where you are at in the process and what you should do with these latest surprises..

(((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))

ps.. wondering how in the world OW feels about these as well??!! so confusing...

[LITB]

Busting, I would not allow your H to bring his buddies to the house anymore. The boundaries are not clear, i.e. Did he move out or not? If he's even introducing the OW to people, he should not be "hanging out" at your house or inviting anyone to stay in it. I would express this with kind politeness but firmly.

In regard to the cousin issue: Maybe you can say that given the situation, his cousin would be better off staying with him and the OW.

I totally see your confusion and surprise.

My main message is: establish boundaries soon...

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

I realize that you might fear that if you say "no", it will push him further away. He will undoubtedly be upset at first. So what? Why should you put your feelings aside because he wants to have his cake and eat it too?

I did a little research for you. Hope it helps.

What is a Boundary?

It is a property line that defines where I end and where you begin. Confusion in relationships often comes as a result of others’ not knowing where our boundaries are.

Healthy boundaries allow us to take ownership of what we are responsible for and to whom we are responsible. They provide a structure for balance and success in life and work. When we are free to set limits without guilt; we are also free to love without resentment.

Setting boundaries is not a means of an end to relationship. It is the means to laying the groundwork for improving relationships. Limits draw a line of respect. Without respect, love begins to erode.

Achieving a healthy life balance requires us to establish personal boundaries around the things we value in our lives. Modeling this behavior and respecting it in others will go a long way in developing authentic and lasting relationships.

[tori2012]

Thank you for posting that, LITB!

[bustingout]

LITB, Tori-

Thank you of your posts and your clarity of thought. LITB thank you of reputing the time into posting the paragraph on boundaries. I really appreciate it.

I do struggle with boundaries still. I know that as a fact.

I spoke briefly with H. I told him I am uncomfortable with it, and before I could finish he jumped in and said 'i know i know thats why I didn't ask again, she might stay with another relative anyway'.

I then continued and said I am uncomfortable with it because of the way she treated me the last time I saw her. I know she is loyal to you and she was reacting to things that you told her when you were angry and hurt, yet I cannot have her here without that treatment being rectified. Also, I am not going to let the house be used a hotel.

Then I think I said a bit too much (the whole conversation was like 4 minutes), because I said that while I don't care anymore, it did really hurt because she was my family too. I told him it was hard in the past to feel like I had to justify my feelings and that it seemed like I wasn't good enough. Whether you meant it or not, they were not acknowledged. He went dead silent. And then he said he didn't mean it like that.

I left it at that, said I have to go.

Back to normal programming.

And I have also decided that if he ever does ask to use the house again for his friends I am going to say no. Whats he going to do?Get a girlfriend? D me? We are already there anyway.

Busting.

[Breakdown]

Whats he going to do?Get a girlfriend? D me? We are already there anyway.

Exactly.

I've struggled with boundaries as well so I realize how hard that was. Proud of you Busting.

[labug]

Good job, Busting...but I have a question.

Is uncomfortable how you're really feeling about it?

[bustingout]

Thank you Breakdown. :-)

I do really really struggle with boundaries. I am still in the mindset of 'oh its not cake eating...its him being nice'

I know. thats not the right mindset.


Labug...'uncomfortable'. hmmm... well. maybe I felt indignant but I kept it to myself.

I also felt hurt being reminded of how I felt the last time I saw this girl.

Uncomfortable was a mild way to put it I suppose.

[JuneReN]

Thank you Breakdown. :-)

I do really really struggle with boundaries. I am still in the mindset of 'oh its not cake eating...its him being nice'

I know. thats not the right mindset.


Labug...'uncomfortable'. hmmm... well. maybe I felt indignant but I kept it to myself.

I also felt hurt being reminded of how I felt the last time I saw this girl.

Uncomfortable was a mild way to put it I suppose.

Yeah, but I am watching you take the advice here, use what you need and you are making some really good decisions with some really good language

Besides, uncomfortable means different things to different people, right? ;p

For me, in this case uncomfortable would be "Apparently you have lost what little is left of your ever loving mind..."

See, for you, it was "I am not comfortable with it and she would have to be more respectful." I seriously bow down.....

Ruby

[labug]

I think, had I had the experience you did, I would have said "I don't want her staying here." If he asked why I would have explained but this is your space and it's his relative.

Sometimes we try to be "nice" when we should just say what we want.

[bustingout]

labug, I have to admit. I struggle with saying what I want. I try to be nice. I have recognized this. And when I get upset I do a classic avoid, ignore thing instead of talk.

I think it stems from a lot of insecurity from my younger years. Deep down I think people will get mad at me I suppose and then not want to be around me. I guess thats whY i have trouble with boundaries. Ok..now I am crying. I didn't realize how much you hit home with your comment! lol (thats lol with tears...so I look crazy right now).

For me telling H I was uncomfortable was hard for me. Just that step was hard. Wow. I really have had very little respect for myself over the years I guess.

Wow. Another layer.. another step. Thank you Labug. :-) ((((()))))


Ruby----thank you my dear friend for your kind words and continuous support. You also made me LOL and spit out my coffee with

"Apparently you have lost what little is left of your ever loving mind..."

:-)

Love you all.