My H has been running all his life. I just started realizing it the past few months. I always thought he worked all the time because he was deligent and he needed to keep busy. Now I realize he just is running to keep from feeling because he cannot deal. He can't face reality.
There's nothing we can do for them. This is their experience. We just focus on us.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
hrm, I am so sorry you are having a very down and frustrating day today. You've got a lot of things going on that may be making you feel the way you are: 1)your back; 2)Christmas invitation for his work; and 3)the birth of the child. On a good day, the mlcer can bring you down, but when you have a number of other variables in the mix, I can understand the way that you are feeling. What I suggest is to pamper yourself. Light some candles, put on some nice music and take a nice, hot bubblebath and then relax.
hrm, you have to have faith that you will have a child one day. You would make a great mother and God is very aware that you want to share your life w/a child. Stay positive!
As for the Christmas party invitation, time will tell. He may fool us all and not go. Now, that would be a first!
Please take care of yourself. I do think you've got a lot going on in your life and w/the holidays approaching, it makes life so much more stressful.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
RH~ Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy, they mean more than you know! I am sorry you were having a rough day too, I hope it has long since passed. As you have said, at least most days are good for us.
WH,SA, snodderly~Thank you!
updates~ I have recovered from my day of being a complete and total mess... of course I did cry five nights in a row, was still stuck on that baby thing, but I've gotten myself to a place of it is what it is.
I have been doing all of my old PT stretches and such for my back and it is feeling better, not totally better, but getting there. H has even helped me with some of my stretches a few times.
Thanksgiving went better than I thought it would. I was setting the table early and said to H, "I am guessing you will not be here for dinner." His reply, "I have plans, sorry." I said in a flat tone, "You don't need to apologize to me." Then walked past him to go back to "my" room to fold laundry.
H came back a little while later, wanted some attention. Then as we were sitting on the bed he said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry I ruined your life, plans, etc. I'm trying to make it right." I was stunned, I said quietly, " I forgive you." He looked pained when I said that. Then I went on to ask what he meant by trying to make it right? He said he's trying to work on things (he didn't expand on that). I told him to take his time. I'm here for him if he needs me, if he wants to talk, or someone silly to laugh at and I patted his knee. He just kind of shook his head and then he said I know. That was the end of that conversation.
I feel like that was pretty huge for him. I mean he didn't expand on anything but maybe he's finally realizing what he needs to be working on is inside of him and I'm not the bad guy. IDK. I'm just taking the positive for what it is.
Later H was going to get something out of the pantry to eat I told him dinner would be ready soon if he wanted some. He asked if I was eating alone, I said yes. He said he would eat some and used his usual if it's not any trouble, and he hopes I didn't go to all that trouble for him. I told him I didn't, said I love to cook. He asked what I had made. I told him roast beef since I didn't know if he would be here and I don't like turkey.
While I was making the gravy I asked him if he would like to do the honors of cutting the meat, which he did. He even laughed at me as I was making a mess pouring the gravy, and my attempt to clean it up made more of a mess.
When we sat down to eat I asked if he minded if I prayed first, he didn't. He actually sat at the table and had dinner with me, we actually had a real conversation. He asked me if I had any big weekend plans, I told him not really and that I have to work black Friday due to the days off for the hurricane. He couldn't believe that, we talked about that for a short while. Then I asked if he had any big weekend plans, he said no just shooting. He didn't get defensive of my asking, which was refreshing.
I bit the bullet and asked about our niece. I said, "I'm assuming everything is fine with our niece." He told me yes and a bit about her. I asked if his sister named her what he told me she was going to, he said yes, I asked about her middle name, he told me. Then I was curious to know what last name she gave her, he said there mother's husband. I didn't say anything just looked down at my plate. This made me sad, and angry to hear. That man never raised them, he even tried to beat up one of H's brother's one time. I can't believe she is so angry with her REAL father she would do that, but it's none of my business, those are HER issues to deal with. So when I looked up from my plate I just said quietly, "I hope I get to meet her one day." He didn't say anything else about it, I just changed the subject.
He told me how great the meal was and how nice it was to have dinner with me. I said yeah it was nice. I told him to eat as many leftovers as he would like the next day, since he was off black Friday, and not to forget about the pie I would be making. He said he may take me up on that offer.
He helped me clear the table and put stuff away. He even volunteered to wash the dishes the next day. I told him I would do it, it was his day off he should enjoy it and relax.
He left around 2, before he left he said thanks again for dinner, told me he was leaving, and said to enjoy having the house to myself for the evening.
My dear friend came over later that evening we were watching a movie when H came back home around 8:30. He said hey to her and actually stood in the living room a minute watching the movie.
Since then we have again watched some tv together, and had a couple of normal conversations about what we were watching or other everyday stuff.
I asked him yesterday about a saw to cut down a tree in the backyard to use as a Christmas tree (kind of a heads up to him that I will be putting up a tree this year). When I got home yesterday afternoon he told me he had gotten the saw out for me.
hrm, What a strange holiday that you have had! I do think that he's coming to realize that he needs to work on himself. I don't think he feels comfortable in his own skin and that's some of the problem.
Your holiday went better than I thought it would. I thought he would run away for the day and not be around, but he fooled me. I'm glad he ate with you.
Surely you aren't going to cut the tree down yourself??? I would ask him to do it since you've been having some issues w/your back.
I'm so sorry you've been having some rough days. Hopefully, things will get better soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As I was reading your thread, I was touched by your sadness about having a baby.
Although I wasn't exactly in the same sitch, I can understand your sadness.
My H and I had a very difficult time conceiving. Our road to children throughout the years included a miscarriage, surgery, fertility treatments(shots in the stomach are fun!), and losing a baby at 21 weeks. That was the darkest time in my life, even darker than all this MLC crap.
I remember my H saying, "Maybe we just aren't meant to be parents." I know where he was coming from. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. I told him "If X (a family we know that has 4 kids and are terrible parents) has kids, there is no way we weren't meant to have kids."
I remember catching myself giving pregnant woman and new moms dirty looks when I was out in public. I wanted a baby more than anything.
I knew in my heart that I would be a mom some day, and I was right.
After we lost our baby, the doctor told me to take a break in trying to conceive.
4 months later I became pregnant with S4. This was without "trying". Maybe there is a lesson for me in there?
H if you believe that you will be a mom some day, you will be! Just don't focus on it so much that you lose sight of other things.
I do believe good things come to those who wait
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Strange indeed snodderly! I think you are exactly right about him not feeling comfortable in his own skin. Don't worry about the Christmas tree cutting down, I went out there Sunday afternoon and H came out and we decided those trees won't work, they aren't full, pretty scrawny, and a couple are really dry. H told me he "will goes halves with me on a tree if I want one that bad." That shocked the heck out of me!
TVS~ I'm sorry to hear all you had to go through to have children, it really does svck and all the testing is no fun, and waaaay too many people get familiar with all your parts! It's just nice to know that someone else understands the emotional pain of all that. Trust me I used to give pregnant woman the looks too, and the program that I work for has a LOT of what I would call unfit parents.... you know smoking the entire pregnancy, drugs.... third baby to third guy, etc.... geez no wonder I was depressed!
Also thank you for your encouraging words TVS, I do still believe/hope I will be a mom someday, even if that may seem stupid to other people, I don't really care what they think. All things are possible with God.
So on a different note, in a effort to focus on me I finally went to this local place that offers yoga classes and took their beginners class tonight! I LOVED it, it was so relaxing, and nice to not think about anything except that moment! I plan on going back next week.
I just got home a bit ago and H isn't here, it's his sister's birthday, so I'm sure he had to go do whatever super special thing was planned *rolling eyes*.
I think it was T who once said it's the emotional that hurts the most, and he sure is right. I was thinking about it, 13 months and none of my in laws (except FIL who no one else acknowledges) has made any effort to contact me, and they all go on with life as normal, as if I don't exist, as if I was never with H. I really don't understand how people can be like that.
Maybe all this time with his fam will help him see the unresolved issues he has to deal with there, in that dysfunctional mess, IDK. The puppet master (his mom) sure does like to make these puppets dance.....
So I'm not focusing on that, not my problem.... deep cleansing breath...... back to my happy yoga zen....
Just remember, we never know what's around the corner for us. I mean, we didn't know this "lovely" situation was coming, so it is possible there could be truly lovely things left in this life to come our way that we don't yet know about!
And with your yoga classes you'll be relaxed, flexible and ready (for kids, etc.)!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Wow HRM! Just Wow! I am speechless. He is reaching out to you so much it seems. I wish my sitch was as hopeful as yours. Mine is as hopeless as they come! Lol! But I am happy for you and it seems to me you are knocking down walls.
Keep up the good work! : )
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
hrm, I'm glad to hear that you didn't "chop" down a tree! At least he's offered to help pay for one.
I have a lot of faith in you and your situation and I know that God hears our prayers and even though he doesn't always give us what we want, but rather what we need, I do think that a baby is still in your future. I wouldn't give up on that dream.
I'm glad you are taking yoga. It should be fun and you'll meet new people too. Maybe once you've become proficient you can teach your h. LOL!
You've come a long way and you've been an inspiration to all who post and read in this forum. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
