Welcome to catch-22

[Big Bruce]

Mes tres chers amis,
All your insights and words of encouragement are truly appreciated. I will expose the facts as honestly as possible, so I can realize some truths and amend my course of action accordingly. Thank you, thank you.

Yes but you said those things HERE and so I assume it shows in your behavior. You said she isn't going to church anymore and then you did some mind reading about why. You said it's B/c "she's living in sin" but you never explained that condemning comment.

Well, I meant, the D decision in itself is a sin. I shared that with you because I vent here, but never accused her of that. That wouldn't have changed her. I know better.

I'm glad you got some help then. Why not keep it up? That is NOT an insult.

Yes, maybe I should go back to the counselor. I had the impression he listened to me, showed empathy, but never instructed me what to do or give me advice. When I share my problems, I want solutions, not someone who listens to me.

First, did she SAY or ACT as if she'd meet you and you could be with her and then NOT show up,
OR did she warn you of wanting a divorce, but you thought it would blow over?

Second, why did her family treat you so badly too? What was your relationship like with them before all this?

- Well, she actually said she wouldn't come to meet me, but I never thought one spouse could ever do that to her H.

- As for the insights as to why her parents wouldn't welcome me, either they've listened too closely to W's complaints and taken sides even before I arrived. Or they never liked me really. Info : they didn't come to our wedding. Her sister didn't come, her brother didn't come. Reason: it wasn't a good time of the year, people are busy. I bought it at the time.
We never spoke on tel due to hour difference, or written cards for Xmas, I don't need to dig deep to see I was just the guy who stole their precious daughter.

Please tell me that you now realize this "acceptance" of her schedule was NOT seen as "cooperative" of you.

It was seen as more evidence of how uninvolved you are as a father. It proved her negative image of you was true.

EYE OPENER HERE! I saw it as being agree-able and kind, I was being lazy, and uninvolved again!

Just that you are glad to be able to do it and look forward to more time WITH HIM...don't mention time with HER...she has made it clear that she does not want that, for now.

How am I supposed to make her understand that her company is enjoyable and that is what I want then?

Then ask open ended questions, such as her comments, thoughts, opinion on matters (NOT related to the marriage or relationship)
and about her dreams or her goals, NOT related to you directly OR indirectly...it's not a reconnaissance mission (yet) it's to get her to open up more with you

That's what I call a good advice. Thank you!

I not only said and written things, I have acted on it as well. The way I treat her now is focus on her and my son : opposite of what I used to do. If you have suggestions of what other things I could be doing to show my goodwill, I'd most certainly appreciate.

Please be more specific b/c "the opposite" isn't clear to me. Tell me 2 or 3 things SHE WOULD complain about if she were here, that you did...that you can or have changed.

Well, err, I NEVER complained about the cold, the snow, the rent prices, the city, the country, how short the visits were (maybe I should have), the food, how lonely I was or the fricking lack of mountains, sea or things to do. In normal circumstances, I would have let her know how cold and boring this place is and how we were going to get the f out of here.

I sought more time with my son, even asked to have him overnight, one night a week, but she always resisted my efforts.

Don't blame her for this. The Court will ask about how it was in France and it doesn't sound as if you did much there.

It doesn't count back in France, because she was breast-feeding, as if I could do it. And she jumped out of bed in the middle of the night when the baby sighed, so of course I let her go and didn't bothered.
But I don't blame her for fearing giving up our son, and I admit having made a huge mistake in giving the impression I was not concerned.

I gently kept reminding her that I'd love to get more involved in my son's life.

and as we said before, that^^ was not getting you reconciled. It was cementing the lousy visitation she arranged for your son.

I see this now. Since, 5 minutes ago.

She told you she wanted a divorce. Those things cost money. As long as she could get you to act in fear and remain paralyzed into inaction, she could wait on the divorce AND

she could dictate the terms. In fact she did just that. The longer you allowed that the harder it will be for you to get it fixed.

Yes, I was afraid of the D word. Still am in fact. Didn't want to encourage her in that direction. I wanted her to reconsider. Make peace with me. Sit and have a conversation. Something, but not D..

THIS filing of yours is the first ACTION you have taken that says otherwise...

True. Thanks to you all my friends. I'm grateful you were here to guide me when my "strategy" didn't work, and helped me take the step.

IF your son doesn't know you now well enough to feel comfy going off with you ...
maybe your w will spend longer periods of time with the two of you. But I wonder about you learning to be his dad WITHOUT a member of her family OR HER being there.

Wouldn't that be a blast if she came home to "teach" me to take care of him, then realized it's the place where she always should have been? Oh I'm getting ahead of myself here...

Although her filing for D is in a sense, her getting mad at me for asking to have my son more time.

Hello?? Here, ^^^you are already negatively mind reading about her motives for filing!

Hey, I'm an engineer, not a psychologist. When someone files for D, I don't need to be a mind-reader to understand she is angry about something I did or afraid of something, like you said.

Try to recall my suggestion that you keep the legal matters separate from your fathering efforts...and

don't mention the legal matters at all.

Let her associate the ugly part of this with the lawyers you pay money to...and the time spent with your son interacting with him as his dad, as a totally separate issue.

Great advice. Will focus on that in the coming days..

To show generosity and less self-centredness, I gave her back in July a check of big amount, to "help with the expenses".

well, that's a nice gesture. But It's money...and she benefitted by not filing yet...and she probably saw it as a bribe, but then felt entitled to it...

You know, there's only so much I can do : write letters, write emails, telephone (to her parents house), give money to her, say hello how are you when we meet, buy toys for my son, play with him and say good-bye I had a nice time when we part.

Let me ask you this, what do you believe her love languages are?

The worse thing is that I even read the book a couple of years ago, mind you!
And if you want my opinion, I'm not sure what she sees as a loving thing, maybe the Acts of Service one as number 1, followed by Quality time I'd say.

I don't know what you mean by this^^^ other than writing a check to her. You said she is better around you too, so I guess you DID get something in return. But as for your kindness and love and attention (when? The ONE day a week you see them?)

It's two times a week I see them, and it's 1,5 hour each time.
And I showed kindness and all, by, you know, being smiley, giving compliments, asking her about her day, what courses she was taking, when's the next test, how is her part time job. Frankly, what else can I do? My maneuver margin is very limited.

Can you tell us WHAT SHE SAID were the reasons and please, please you must be as specific as possible so we can advise accordingly.

Since all your posts are so good in general, I will trust you and paste-copy a portion of the Bomb email she sent me in June :"We disagree strongly on key issues, notably in the areas of finances, child-rearing and the importance of family in terms of priority level. These fundamental differences between us have made it impossible for me to consider a fulfilling, long-term...etc..."
(Note. Finances = translate : I spent the money on fun things for me.)

Looks like we've pin-point the culprit reason, haven't we?

Did YOU ever arrange mc in France? Did you seek out pastoral counselling? I mean, what did you do to save the marriage when it was crumbling around her?

None of it. I didn't have a clue.


Au revoir, a bientôt.