Separated and confused

[jendp]

I am trying to stay strong today, feel like I had a major regression of progress on Friday when he moved more stuff out. I get angry at myself that I let him have so much control over my feelings, thought I had strength to withstand this process. I realize that having no contact was more comforting because it gave me a sense of false hope that maybe he would come back. Now I realize that this is less likely and it is harder to keep hope alive. Still wishing for a miracle but reality is hard to ignore.

[gunny]

hi jendp,
Sorry you are going through this. I went through these feelings about a year ago, and still, today, I have my days. In general, the good far outweigh the bad, but even at the end of a good day, feelings of sadness find their way in.

It sounds to me that you are making progress in your journey to detachment, but still have a ways to go. It is a process, really only time can partially heal your feelings. In any dealings I have with my ex, I always try to ask myself, is this (whatever I am doing) going to help, or hinder me in my progress toward healing? Since I want to be able to look back someday and look at my behavior during this time with a sense of honor and contentment that I acted in an honorable way, i have chosen to remain positive in all my interactions, which has not been difficult since she is of th same mindset as me.

So, with your sp, i would advise to continue to remain positive and upbeat, and know that eventually this phase will end. He will remember how you treated him during this time, and someday, dont know when, he will remember you with kindness, regardless of how things turn out. Hope this helps

[AnotherStander]

Having a really bad day and hope is dwindling quickly. H snuck in while I was at work today and moved more of his stuff out, about half of it is gone now. Sent me a text after saying he will be totally out by the end of the month. This just happened after we had two pleasant conversations by phone and several texts lately about business matters and the hurricane (he was in Atlantic City when it hit). I was just beginning to have serious hope that I might have a chance, now this slap in the face.

Your sitch is still relatively new, so there's no reason to give up hope yet. Remember that it is YOUR choice when to give up hope. Your H will not give you any reason to have any hope for months. That doesn't mean it's finished, it's not finished until you say it is. A good friend of mine's wife walked 2 years ago. They had almost no contact for a year. Then they started talking, then doing stuff together, then sex, and now they're talking about reconciling. After 2 years! There are no guarantees, but my point is your H's current actions do not mean there's no hope.

What really hurts is the way he is doing this, slowly and painfully over the last month. It is like he is trying to make this process as hard as possible.

YOU have control over this! My W was doing the same thing, I called it a "slow bleed". I finally told her I was tired of coming home every day and seeing little things missing, I gave her a deadline to get the rest out and she followed it.

[jendp]

Thanks so much for the great advice, it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this struggle. The "slow bleed" analogy is right on. Came home today to a few more things missing and felt the blood dripping from my heart again. Expect he will make a bigger move tomorrow, Friday seems to be his favorite day to clear out. I don't think he cares how that totally ruins my good mood and plans for the weekends, or maybe that is his goal. Anyway, I have hit a patch here where I have given him more power over my emotions and it has to stop.

I'm planning to take the power back soon, the deadline idea is a good one. I need to set boundaries and protect myself better -- my next goal. But first, must pray for more strength and patience.

[Starbag]

Hi jendp, I'm sorry your H is doing this right now. Mine is doing things that I couldn't understand either. It's like I understand some of his emotions but the same time, what he is doing is just "unbelievable" to me.

I felt the same way from time to time that maybe he IS trying to hurt me. The reason I think that is, he knows me so well. He knows I'd worry about things, and be sad. But still, he is doing what he is, "knowing" that I would be really upset. After reading many posts here, I see that almost every WAS is doing things this way, mean, hurting things to their spouses. And many couples married for 20 some years! I'd think they should know what they're doing is hurting their S so much! But yet, they are doing those things.

I remember my H said once that he wanted to think for himself now, he said he didn't want to take care of me anymore. My point is, your H probably knows this is not nice to you and he doesn't do this on purpose. But he probably doesn't want to feel sorry for you to protect himself. He probably would not sit there for long to think about how you'd feel. And his mind is justified by whatever to feel and behave this way.

I just hope that you don't feel like your H is the only mean H out there right now. Be strong! I still don't know what to do with my H myself (sadly) Keep learning and GAL. We'll get over this eventually.

[jendp]

H filed for divorce last week, putting my faith in God to get me through this. I was hoping he would wait until after the holidays, but guess he is ready to get it over with and move on. I am trying DB techniques at every scarce opportunity I get, giving it all to God. Don't know what else to do, I know I can't change him or his mind. God is the only one who can do that.

[Starbag]

How did he tell you this? I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the D right now. Honestly, I think my H is going to let me know he filed for it already too or that he is going to file sometime soon. And I do not know how to deal with it when he actually shows up to tell me. Or maybe he won't even show up..... Be strong!!

[Grateful]

H filed for divorce last week, putting my faith in God to get me through this. I was hoping he would wait until after the holidays, but guess he is ready to get it over with and move on. I am trying DB techniques at every scarce opportunity I get, giving it all to God. Don't know what else to do, I know I can't change him or his mind. God is the only one who can do that.

The hardest thing I have realized in my sitch is that God is the only one that can change the situation itself. However, you can change how you react to it. I know it is easier said than done. Trust me, I know. Remember that it is the Holy Ghost's job to convict, not yours.

[jendp]

I saw an attorney today to get advice and be prepared for getting served since H said he filed for D about 3 weeks ago -- what a sickening process. It does make me feel more secure to feel like I have someone looking out for my rights during this, but it made it so much more real and painful. I'm still praying for God to turn things around even though it really hurts. I would still take H back in spite of everything, sticking by my marriage until I die or until it is legally dissolved.

[littleGTO]

Hi, Jen,
Stay strong. You WILL get through this. You seem to have strong FAITH.

Remember God has a plan for each of us BUT it may not be saving our M. If this is the case you HAVE TO BELIEVE there is A BETTER LIFE waiting for you in your future.

I'm not denying that what you are going through isn't painful-==it is! Let yourself grieve your M, but remember to take care of yourself in the process. You are important and deserve to be happy. It is soooo hard to let go. I haven't & neither have most of us here.

Give yourself the gift of time. Do the work to improve yourself 180s) and GAL whenever and however can you. It is important you surround yourself w people who can support you. Come here often and vent/journal.

(((BIG HUGS)))