Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[Denver_2010]

I was reading Denver's comments in another thread relating to Plan A vs Plan B.

It really hit me as I feel like I'm sitting in Plan A. I'm trying to be the rock or lighthouse shining the way home for my W. I'm nearly always a happy person around her. I help hold the household together. But this may simply be enabiling her to never make any decision. I really wonder how long I should continue this behavior. Especially with the possibility of OM.

I've been strongly debating bringing up possible OM to W. But every time I ask myself what good would come from confirming it (assuming she'd tell the truth)? I don't think it'd be usefull unless I had my mind made up to either leave her or go through exposure, etc.

Okay... my last post to your thread for now (there are a few up there).

First, others will disagree, but I do NOT believe in exposure of affairs. At least not at the outset. Can discuss this more if it is ever confirmed that your W is in an A. Let's hope not.

However, IMHO, there is good evidence that your W is having at least an EA. The phone secrecy, the multiple work happy hours... ugh.. sorry. Tell tale signs, IMO.

It is also most likely the cause of your W's back and forth with you. YOu are her H, she loves you, she is afraid to lose you (and lucky for you she feels that)... but she is bored. Going out and drinking is fun and exciting. If OM is in the picture, he is probably interesting and fun... as opposed to you who she knows backwards and forwards.

My guess from what I've read is that it is JUST an EA at this point. There is still too much attachment to you, IMO, for there to be a PA.

I know that I probably shouldn't state this conclusion, because it is unconfirmed. And I could definitely be wrong. But I've also learned from my own experience and from reading about countless other situations here, that where there is smoke, there is usually fire.

What good can come from confirming it? It's information. Intelligence. You will know better what you are dealing with. You can make informed decisions for yourself. You can begin the process of learning about the concept of true forgiveness, even while the A is ongoing, if that is what you want to do.

Unfortunately, confirming is very difficult. I am torn on the concept of snooping. It can be something that can drive you crazy, but it can be helpful until you have at least either confirmed or snuffed out the idea of an A. Personally, I would continue to monitor phone records. That's how I discovered my W's, at the time, EA. It is pretty easy to spot if your W is spending tons of time on the phone with, and texting, an OM.

Either way, I would hold off on confronting W until you have more information. And I would NEVER divulge where I got that information.

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Hopefully you can see from my multiple posts (sorry) where I'd go with this if I were you.

Hang in there. Rome wasn't built in a day.