read db and about how "there's nothing we can do to make it better - but a whole lot we can do to make it worse" - and i try and stfu and just wait for tomorrow
Yea, that's all I do with H now. Try to do all of my own business, stay out of his, look busy when I may not be, even make up yard work I've done cause it's easy fake. Just stay FU and Shut Up, though it's easier these days, I'm so over it, bored by it, even think how ridicules it is.
My h still says the same stupid stuff about his life being nothing, he "wants" to be a workaholic, he want's to work himself to death, blah blah. It's really to the point that I laugh about how stupid this is all to me, how he's all talk with nothing to say.
His friends are telling him to leave his family because he's abusing us and he says "no, I'm not leaving my family, I'm doing this for my family" for a bigger house, blah! They tell him maybe your family would love it more just to have you back in their lives, he doesn't understand human need for love or affection, especially from him.
So he went from an extrem point of not wanting to live here or even be married, to "I'm not leaving you" but he's not working anything out or talking over our R. He's apologized several times now for EVERYTHING, especially that I am taking the full attacks of his new attitude.
So, I thought maybe he's in a new stage, like maybe the beginning of acceptance without change. So that doesn't work for me, I don't like him, I do think everyday about what I'm missing. I miss saying ILY, hearing it, feeling it, and making it!
I bought new Pj's and pillows today's, my two favorite things in life. Then I found my imported can of coco back in the cabinet, the first thing that came to mind was a cold night in Pj's making two cups of coco and sharing the moment with someone I love. I saw him as loving, quiet, patent, attentive, and content to be with me, just me, because he love's me and appreciates what I bring to his life. It wasn't my H.
It is h in a sense that he does believe that I bring a better world to his life, he says he would be crazy to leave me, but it doesn't move him to feel he deserves me or do what it takes to hold on to me, like get a C, work on his anger, stop talking to ea/ow.
Now am I cheating - that whole if your mind wonders your already sinning? I really want a new love, I can't live off of good memories for someone in front of me that I don't recognize.
With my new attitude my eye's are letting me see what's out there. I find myself thinking "everyone" is so good looking these days, even telling D18 how I would like ''someone like that"! I wish I had a date for Christmas Eve just to smile and feel the warmth of the night over that hot chocolate, minus the P's, for now
Reding this for some reason let me think about the lies and exuses a WAS uses to themself and others to validate themself and to continue on without any guilt.
We need to have a greater respect for how self focsed they are and the internal protection mechanisms that they have in play. And understand this is why all the stuff that we used to think should "logically" work, doesn't work.
